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It's not breaking news that Donald Trump, the unelected president of the United States, is a pathological liar. But CNN reporter Daniel Dale follows Trump relentlessly, fact-checking his every grunt and squeal, and has pinpointed a certain "tell" Trump has, that says, "HEY-O, dumb motherfucker 'bout to lie!"

A couple of Trump's lying "tells" probably quickly come to readers' minds. For instance, if he says "many people are saying," that tends to mean either that zero important people are saying, or that literally nobody is saying. Similarly, as former RNC chair Michael Steele pointed out, if Trump says, "I heard," he is about to drop a nuclear bomb of lies. Oh yeah, and "believe me." Holy shit, are there any words Donald Trump says that don't predict impending lies?

But the one Dale noticed is pretty funny, and it's that whenever Trump tells a story wherein he says somebody called him "sir," he is absolutely 100 percent of the time lying. He's talking about an imaginary friend, he's making up a story, and in these imaginary stories, his imaginary friends give him the respect he so desperately craves, yet does not deserve.

Isn't that sad and pathetic?


Dale offers this tweet as an example:

EVERYBODY knew Trump's story about suddenly canceling an impending strike on Iran because he, blessed and beneficent Dear Leader that he is, experienced feelings upon learning how many would die, was unmitigated horseshit. EVERYBODY. And as Dale notes, there's the "sir" right there, from the imaginary general who loves him enough to call him "sir." (To be fair, all the generals are going to call him "sir," because that's how little green Army men do. That story, though? Fucking fake.)

But there are so many other examples! There are all the stories Trump likes to tell in rallies, where GROWN MEN come to Trump and they are CRYING and THANKING HIM for whatever the fuck, and wouldn't you know it? All the imaginary crying grown men call him "sir":

[N]o genre of Trump story is more reliably sir-heavy than his collection of suspiciously similar tales about macho men breaking into tears of gratitude in his presence.

In a speech in January, Trump painted a colorful picture of the "strong, tough" farmers, ranchers and builders who stood behind him in 2017 as he signed an executive order to rescind a water regulation. "Half of them were crying," he told the American Farm Bureau Federation, especially one man so tough he might not have cried even "when he was a baby."

"He was crying," Trump repeated. "He said, 'Sir, you gave me back my life. You gave me back my property.'"

Touching if true. Absolutely not true.

No shit, it's not true. As Dale notes, there's video evidence of that one being bullshit.

Last year, when he was still at the Toronto Star, Dale wrote another piece on the big strong handsome men who are always breaking down into sobs when graced by the presence of Donald J. Yeti Pubes Mario Kart Dandelion Dick Trump.

Something remarkable happened, according to Donald Trump, when Donald Trump arrived at his campaign rally in Evansville, Indiana last week.

Nine "miners" greeted him backstage. They were "tough guys," "seriously tough cookies," men he wouldn't want to fight. But eight of the nine were crying.

"Crying out of happiness," Trump said. "Because they're back."

Jesus Christ.

Doesn't that just tell you something so sad and pathetic and needy about this mentally incompetent, stupid-looking, and sexually repellent man, that he makes up imaginary friends to kiss his ring? Maybe deep inside, he knows that the only people who really love him are just the dregs of American society, the racists, the wife-beaters, the evangelicals. Maybe there's a still small voice that nags at him when he looks out at groups like the malcontent never-nudes he invited last week to his "social media summit," which appears to have been convened solely so that the president could whine about his Twitter follower count fluctuating as Russian trolls and bots get deleted. If your number one fan was Sebastian Gorka, you'd invent new ones too.

Dale even flags a line Trump said at that social media summit, where Trump invented imaginary worshipers who were desperate to follow him on Twitter, but who were denied that indulgence, because of the devils of Silicon Valley:

"I have people come up to me: 'Sir, we want to follow you. They don't let us on.'"

Sir, sir! Please, sir! May I have another tweet? I'll surely die otherwise!

Maybe the reason it hurts Trump's feelings so much when Twitter gets rid of bots and fake Russians is that, for somebody as empty as he is, those bots and fake Russians are every bit as real as the crying men he invents to praise him at rallies.

After all, where else is Trump going to get genuine love and praise? Melania? OK LOL yeah no. His adult children? Ivanka pretty obviously only loves him as a vessel for enlarging her own stature and bank account. Eric? The fuck anybody cares. As for Don Jr.'s gushing and constant praise for a father who doesn't really seem to love him, can you imagine having this face at your feet, slobbering with devotion?

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OH FIDDLESTICKS, we have done it again. We started a post writing about one thing, and then before we knew it we were making fun of Junior's face.

Well whatever, have an open thread!

[CNN / Toronto Star]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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