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If You're Reading This, You're In Heaven!

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Welcome to the official newsletter of Heaven! Yes, the Rapture happened, and you won! You're in Paradise! (Sorry it's exactly like the world you left behind; perhaps you should appreciate the world you left behind a little more!) We are too a-scared to wait up until whenever the rapture is supposed to hit California and suck 89-year-old Oakland-based doomsday predictor Harold Camping back to his watery grave, so we'll just schedule this post to publish in the morning. But we have grabbed some news bits from New Zealand, which apparently has yet to be destroyed by Jeebus Quakes even though it's well after 6 p.m. local time.


  • Christmas Island and other locations near New Zealand, where self-styled scriptural scholar Harold Camping predicted that the apocalypse would strike by Friday night Los Angeles time, so far remain free of "super terrible" earthquakes. -- Los Angeles Times
  • New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg — who is Jewish and therefore, according to Camping’s prophecy, unlikely to be beamed up to sit alongside Jesus and God in heaven — said on his weekly radio show Friday that he would suspend alternate-side parking in New York if the world ends on Saturday. -- Vancouver Sun
  • Sun, Sand, Six-Figure Salary? Some lifeguards in California making more than $100,000. -- Fox News
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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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