The Illinois Republican Party just can't seem to get a handle on its basket of deplorables. Things looked comically bad when it accidentally nominated a Nazi to run for Congress in the Fifth District, but it's also accidentally nominated a crackpot conspiracy theorist in the 17th. The party is desperate to distance itself from all the freaks flying their flag, so they're denouncing their own candidates, and quietly running write-in campaigns in the event that they accidentally send another wacko to Washington.

Arthur Jones, the actual Nazi running in the Illinois Fifth, ran unopposed in the Republican primary, guaranteeing him a spot on the ballot this November. Since then, he's been (begrudgingly) admonished by national and state party leaders for his well-documented history of anti-semitism and racism. Now Politico reports that Justin Hanson, a former staffer for Missouri Republican Sen. Roy Blunt, has mounted a write-in campaign with the hope of siphoning votes away from Jones.

Despite working for a hardline conservative in the Senate, Hanson is running as an Independent and tells Politico that he "moved to the center" after leaving the Hill.

State party leaders were perfectly willing to let Jones get mercilessly clobbered by incumbent Democratic Rep. Dan Lipinski, so they sat on their collective asses while the deadlines to run alternative candidates came and went. Even after Jones went on CNN in February and talked about his hatred of the "two party, Jew party, queer party system," they did nothing. It's only in the last few weeks that they've been mulling over fielding a write-in candidate, an expensive and ultimately useless move in Chicago's heavily Democratic South suburbs. When Politico called Jones shortly after the ballot deadline in June, he laughed and said, "I snookered them," adding, "I played by the rules, what can I say?"

Since Illinois Republicans are some of the most crooked and feckless political imbeciles, we'll assume that it took them eight months to find someone with balls big enough to punch a fucking Nazi (with votes) as the alternative is even more pathetic.

But things get worse for Illinois Republicans! Wednesday, state party officials had to pull support from 17th District Republican nominee Bill Fawell after they (finally) stumbled across his long history of conspiracy peddling on social media. Like Jones, Fawell ran unopposed for the Republican nomination to run against three-term Democratic incumbent Cheri Bustos.

It's impossible to see how the party leaders missed this guy. By all indications he's been running for office since January of 2017. A campaign video from last September starts with a bootlegged bootleg of Braveheart before he babbles about the death of America, and screams about auditing the Fed as if he were proto-Trump Ron Paul.

Bill Falwell is just B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Media Matters found that Fawell has spent years parroting Alex Jones conspiracies on Facebook (IN ALL CAPS), from 9/11 and Sandy Hook trutherism to Pizzagate and the Seth Rich garbage. He's one of those people who might say only gay frogs boil in hot water, or that chemtrail possessed child actors are shooting up schools to hide HER EMAILS because he heard it on a podcast.

Since these suburban and exurban districts are historically Democratic strongholds, Republicans don't usually bother to run candidates. However Trump just barely swung a few of the counties in these districts in 2016, and he's spent the last two years encouraging Nazis, white supremacists, and conspiracy theorists to slither out from their shanties and sewers and run for offices up and down the ballot. The notion that the Republican Party has become the party of nuts and Nazis is scaring some of their leaders, but their apathy and lust for power has driven them to placate garbage people with dog whistles for decades. While it's nice to see Republicans finally do something about the Illinois Nazi problem, they're not exactly doing much to shut them up and shut them out.

[Politico / Media Matters / The Dispatch-Rock Island Argus]
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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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