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Immigration Reform Passes Senate By Wide Margin, Fails Senate By Narrow Margin

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Everyone’s favorite Jewish grandmother, Chuck Schumer, has been banging on for a few weeks about how he wanted the Gang of Eight’s immigration reform bill to get 70 votes in the Senate. To which we say halavai, Chuck Schumer! But if your bill should only get 60 votes, that will have been sufficient to pass. Dayenu.

We understand Chuck’s logic, which is that more Republican votes in the Senate will show the House that there is serious GOP interest in immigration reform, thus putting pressure on Boehner’s caucus to come up with something that the two chambers can reconcile. We just think this logic made more sense in, say, 1993, before the Gingrich Revolution paved the way for today’s state of affairs, where a febrile-brained group of jackholes will do pretty much nothing except vote to defund Obamacare 378 times every month and scream about bullshit scandals.

Even other Dems in the Senate thought Schumer was overdoing it. Chuck, bubele, they said, remember the ACA? Gun control? Every other damn bill we’ve voted on since 2009? How much are we going to have to compromise to get the crazies to sign on, anyway? We shouldn’t even need 60 votes to pass a bill, but we do so let’s take it and move on.

Thursday the vote went down and the immigration reform bill passed with 68 votes. Schumer pronounced himself pleased nonetheless, as he should because passing anything in Congress these days is a victory, and passing something with support of two-thirds of the Senate is a damn miracle. Two more votes will not make the House crazies feel any more pressured to work with you because they are more concerned with being primaried by some nativist assholes in their districts if they give in on this. So, yay?

Meh, not in GOPLand. Diaper David Vitter immediately had this to say:

On the positive side, bill supporters fell well short of a vote total in the 70s.

Bipedal tub of butter Matt Boyle, who has been all over this story like it contained seven kinds of lunchmeat, took to Twitter to snark that 68 votes is not enough to give the House a “mandate.” In a story on Dead Breitbart’s Soylent Green Factory for Pretend Journalists, he quoted an anonymous GOP aide:

It will be seen a failure to get less than 70 given the establishment support for it, the huge money behind it, having Senator Rubio as the lead pitch man, and having Reid and Obama whipping the votes.

Only in the Senate in the year of Our Lord 2013 could falling two votes short of 70 be considered a failure. We now breathlessly await the giant sack of nothing that Orange Julius and his rumpus room full of vicious poop ferrets will put forth in their continuing efforts to be useless, and dicks.

[NYDailyNews / Breitbart]

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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