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In Which We Are Irrationally Hopeful That Not Everyone Is a Total Idiot About Gun Control

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With the way so many of our politicians cower in terror every time they spot Wayne LaPierre rushing in their direction, his crazy eyes rolling in their sockets like the googly-eyed panda magnet on our refrigerator, we have thought we might break out theDance of Joy if just one politician would tell him to go fuck himself. Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy did just that on Sunday’s edition of State of the Union, telling Candy Crowley that LaPierre “reminds me of the clowns at the circus,” adding “this guy is so out of whack, it’s unbelievable.” Malloy just this week signed into law some tough new gun restrictions in his state, including banning over 100 types of assault weapons, restricting ammunition clips to ten rounds, requiring background checks on all gun purchases, eligibility rules for buying bullets, and a dangerous weapon offenders registry. Yay Connecticut!


Now, the big question: will these laws work to limit the spread of guns? We have no idea. The gun fuckers on the right say no, and they claim to have statistics to back them up. And as we mentioned last week in rehashing the Virginia Tech shooting, the conflict between state and federal laws can open loopholes you could drive an armored personnel carrier through. What we found so encouraging here is not only the fact that somewhere, legislators from both parties are thinking about and talking about this issue in a debate described as “respectful and…somber,” but actually passing a bill that brings about real changes in the relationship of a state government to its gun-owning citizens. It’s a small victory, but anything free of the usual hysterics is a breath of fresh air. We know some folks in Connecticut who are out of the running for our Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year award. For now.

Isn’t it awesome what legislatures can do when members are not grandstanding lickspittles of the NRA? Someone should point that out to the useless dicks on Capitol Hill, where a bunch of Republican senators have announced plans to filibuster any gun control legislation the Democrats bring to the floor. No less a personage than John McCain went on Face the Nation to say he does not “understand” why his colleagues are so afraid to debate this issue openly. Oh Walnuts. First of all, if you publicly debate a bill mandating background checks on all gun purchases, the public might become aware that polls show 91% of Americans support such a measure, a number high enough that even some of your colleagues might be hard-pressed to vote no. Second of all, two of those senators threatening a filibuster are Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, and you and your boyfriend Ms. Lindsey have already publicly called both of them on the carpet for being complete assholes and neither of them cares. What is there for you to not understand? Your party’s caucus is full of useless scum-sucking shitballs, some of whom got elected by riding the bats you let out of the GOP belfry when you nominated the Snowbilly Grifter as your vice-presidential candidate. Go away forever already, please.

You know who we thought had gone away forever? Asa Hutchinson, former congressman from the great progressive state of Arkansas and one of the more ardent chasers of presidential cock during the late Bill Clinton years. Hutchinson also served in a variety of positions in the Dubya administration, returned to Arkansas, and lost the governor’s race to a Democrat. In Arkansas in the twenty-first century. Then last week he popped up, from whatever Ozarks mountainside he had parked his camper on to lick his wounds for the last six years, to present the NRA’s “National School Shield Initiative.” This is the NRA’s answer to Newtown, and it can be summed up as MOAR GUNZ EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME MOAR GUNZ!!!! Sure, because so many of us want to turn our kids’ schools into armed encampments patrolled by amateurs carrying shotguns and AR-15s. No really, Hutchinson specifically named those two as the types of guns armed security guards would be allowed to carry under this plan. Remarkably, this plan will go nowhere with Republicans. Not because it is defeatist to suggest our society is that far gone, but because the initiative calls for federal spending to train and arm these guards, and we know how Republicans feel about spending money on anything, ever. Outside of the military, of course. Hey, maybe the Army should start a special unit of MPs to guard our schools. All those veterans could have something to do in between tours in whatever war zone we are entangled in this week. About the best thing we can say about this plan is that it seems to have been met with a giant "meh" from the public.

You know who has gone away forever, though? The guy who sold Adam Lanza’s mom that AR-15. This week the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms pulled the federal firearms license of one David LaGuercia, whose store sold the guns used both at Newtown and at a shooting in Hartford three years ago that killed eight people. That’s a lot of blood for one guy in East Windsor to have on his hands. The ATF would not say exactly why LaGuercia’s license was revoked. Let us assume that the Sandy Hook investigation turned up violations of whatever rules LaGuercia is supposed to operate under. Wouldn’t it be nice if the ATF had the resources to run such investigations and shut down negligent dealers more often, possibly even before they sell a semi-automatic rifle to the wrong person? Unfortunately, thanks to the NRA’s bootblacks in Congress, the ATF is chronically underfunded and has lacked a permanent director for six years now. Don’t look for that to change anytime soon.

Remember a few weeks ago when we told you about totes awesome bro Cody Wilson, who wants to make 3D gun printing a thing? This week we stumbled across a short documentary about Cody and his project, produced by Vice Media. If you have 25 minutes to spare, you should watch it. The doc's producer Erin Lee Carr also gave an interview to Elle Magazine, in which she said that what helped her in breaking through to Cody where other reporters have struggled is the fact she is a female and Cody says “he usually doesn’t talk to women.” Let us all now slap our foreheads in shock at this bit of information. Then as a palate cleanser, go watch this Daily Show piece that needs all of 1:10 to dropkick Godwin’s Law through the goalposts of life.

Whew, so that is what a week of uplifting gun news feels like! Check back next week, when we’re sure everything will have gone all to shit all over again and crushed whatever little green shoots of hope are sprouting in our chests that the endless clusterfuck that is gun control policy debate is finally moving in a sane direction.

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