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Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11

News

Good news! Thenew Bureau of Labor Statistics unemployment report came out, and more Americans are working, the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, and jobs numbers were revised upwards in July and August.


Of course, Barry Obama had a bad debate on Wednesday, so how could the economy mysteriously be recovering two days after Obama lost the entire election, friends? It's a CONSPIRACY. At least, that's what a bunch of Republicans are saying. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you ... BLS Troofers, because of course they are.

Yes. They went in and tinkered a decades-old system to get a possible bump out of a positive jobs report. This is eminently logical. Also, they changed the buttons on Jack Welch's clicker, because he simply cannot get the channel changed from this gonzo teen porn to the Hallmark Channel.

Hahahaha, we kid, Jack Welch is not a pervert, just an insane demagogue.

On Fox News, Stuart Varney agrees.

Makes sense that Obama would keep unemployment above 8% for his entire term, then game the system a month before the election to place unemployment at the insanely low rate of only 7.8% (also known as the magic reelection number, people). Chicago-style politics at its finest.

There is, however, an alternate explanation for all of this, via Washington Examiner "senior writer" (paid intern) Conn Carroll:

Be on the lookout for further evidence of Democrap perfidy - after all, if a concerted effort by Democrats to game the BLS numbers by calling in and reporting that their organic dildo stores were booming with a hundred employees each worked, then by next month MoveOn.org could get the unemployment rate all the way down to, like, 7.7%.

We are sensing a third term for President Obama. Guaranteed.

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The Dumb Song Of J. Dinesh Prufrock

A quick Dear Shitferbrains for you smart kids today, in response to our recent piece on Dinesh D'Souza's continued insistence that historian Kevin M. Kruse please bitchslap him with facts again and again. It turns out we picked the wrong historian to lionize, according to "Hadding Scott," who dropped by to let us know we had foolishly referred to a mere Princeton professor instead of to the most comprehensive take-down-er of D'Souza's lies, "Hadding Scott" himself.

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Among the primary results from Tuesday that we didn't report: Chris Murphy, US Senator from Connecticut, managed to hold on to the Democratic nomination for a second term. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, he didn't win the nom Tuesday -- he'd already been nominated at the state party convention in May, and the Dem primary was cancelled since Murphy was the only one to file. Murphy's also heavily favored to win reelection this fall. The biggest question for Murphy is whether he's hoping to seek some other office in a couple years. (As if any prominent Democratic senator hasn't already mentally compared their inaugural crowd size to Trump's.)

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