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Finally, some answers to all our burning questions! Is Donald Trump correct to say all the time that James Comey is a dadgum criminal? Or is Donald Trump the real criminal and therefore always very angry at everybody who might be in a position to reveal his crimes? And is James Comey just a total gossipy Heather who needs to just OMG STOP?

The Department of Justice's Inspector General, Michael Horowitz, has released his report on James Comey's bad terrible awfulness with his personal memos documenting Donald Trump's criminal behavior, including when Comey leaked one of those memos to the press, and big surprise, Comey is not a criminal. Therefore he will not be prosecuted. He may have done a couple of marginally naughty things and violated a couple of FBI policies, and one memo he gave his attorneys had SIX WORDS that were retroactively classified, but he is not a criminal. The IG found no evidence any of those six words were shared with the press. The memo he gave his pal to give to the New York Times contained no classified information.

That means Donald Trump, known liar, lied multiple times when he accused Comey of being a criminal who leaked classified information. Have we mentioned Donald Trump is a liar? We should mention that.


If you need a refresher, these are the memos we're talkin' about:

  • The one he wrote the day after he told President-Elect Dipshit about pee tapes and rumors of pee tapes at Trump Tower on January 6, 2017. You'll recall that we now know Trump was probably very aware of the pee tape allegations trickling down around Washington right about then. (Memo 1)
  • The one he wrote the day after he had din-din with now-President Dipshit at the White House and Dipshit tried to extract a loyalty oath. (Memo 2, which he told his pal about, after which pal told the New York Times about it)
  • The one he wrote on Valentine's Day, after a meeting in the Oval Office where Dipshit tried to obstruct the Russia investigation and begged him to stop investigating Michael Flynn. (Memo 4, the one he gave his pal to tell the New York Times about, after he was fired)
  • The one he wrote March 30, 2017, when Dipshit begged him on the phone to "lift the cloud" of the Russia investigation. (Memo 6)
  • The one he wrote April 11, 2017, after Dipshit pressed him on the phone to tell America that Dipshit personally was not under investigation. (Memo 7)
  • The other ones what were too insignificant for us to remind you of right now.

The IG found that Comey did marginally naughty things with the way he wrote up his Trump memos at home for his own personal use, but didn't give them all to the FBI. If the IG were named "James Comey," he might give a long-winded press conference about how James Comey is a Naughty Norman who was very careless and exhibited very poor judgment, but that's not a thing the IG is going to do, because his name is not "James Comey." We should note, though, that the IG is still basically doing the criminal White House's bidding by releasing this report the way he is, as it details for 83 fucking (boring) pages why Comey is a very bad man -- because this is definitely the most pressing issue at hand in the FBI right now -- in order that the White House may issue full-of-shit-in-your-face lying statements like this:

Gone largely unmentioned in the IG report is that Comey's actions, especially his leaking an unclassified memo to his pal to tell the Times about just after he was fired in a criminal act of obstruction of justice, had the intended consequence of telling the world that he, the now-former FBI director, witnessed more criminal behavior from the president, which led Rod Rosenstein to appoint Robert Mueller as the special counsel, culminating in an investigation that found MANY instances of criminal behavior by the president, and a report that specifically DOES NOT EXONERATE that president.

We feel like mentioning that.

Speaking of Rod Rosenstein, that little pube, has responded:

Oh fuck you, Rod. You were a literal witness in the obstruction of justice probe, and you proceeded to stand next to Attorney General CoverUps McShitmouth while he lied about Robert Mueller's findings and did cover-ups for President Crime Boss. FUCK YOU.

And of course, the Fuck-Sprinkler-In-Chief has responded:

And then the FuckSprinkler-In-Chief responded again, this morning:

And then the Fuck-Sprinkler-In-Chief responded again some more, this morning, 26 minutes later:

Yeah, that's the conclusion a rational person would draw, you betcha.

To review:

Republican James Comey on Hillary's emails: "No reasonable prosecutor" would bring a case.

IG on Comey's memos: No crimes were committed.

Republican special counsel Robert Mueller on Donald Trump: DOES NOT EXONERATE.

[IG Report]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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