Inspiring! These Pandas F*cked Each Other For Almost Eight Whole Minutes!
Move over, all you other panda dudes who think you're hot shit or something. This Chinese panda bear studmuffin has set a whole new sex record that will leave you feeling downright flaccid and Not Good Enough. His name is Lu Lu, and all the panda ladies and the gay panda bois can't stop talking about him because, according to the Daily Mail, he fucked this one panda, name of Zhen Zhen, for seven minutes and forty-five seconds, which is a very long time for panda sex!
Now everybody calls him "The Enduring Brother," due to how long he gave Zhen Zhen the D. Oh, and apparently because panda bears have no Christian morals, they were competing with another couple at the time:
The pair were pitted against another couple of pandas, Yi Bao and Jin Xin, who only managed one minute and 20 seconds of love-making.
The average length of a 'romp' between two pandas is between 30 seconds and five minutes, making Lu Lu's efforts all the more impressive.
Ha ha, Yi Bao and Jin Xin are LOSERS, what are they, teenagers or something? Let Lu Lu show you how a REAL man does it.
The Daily Mail points out that Lu Lu's little edging game clocks in at "longer than the average American man in bed," like they're trying to make some kind of joke at the Americans' expense. We are SO SURE the Brits are so much better at sex than Americans. Totally convinced.
So, doggie-stylin' pandas, that's what's up:
But don't think it was just all one thing, no way, that is not how Lu Lu got his reputation as the greatest panda lover in all the world. Lu Lu knows that ladies like VARIETY, so he was all like "hey my turn on the bottom, Zhen Zhen," and she was all "they see me ridin', they hatin'":
If you're not overcome by all the sexxxytimes, the Daily Mail provides a little explainer on how the zookeepers do all the foreplay for the pandas. NO, NOT THE GROSS WAY YOU'RE THINKING:
They use poles made of bamboo to guide the pandas towards each other, when they have tracked when the pandas are in the amorous mood.
The female of the species are prone to making loud and strange noises, while male pandas leave traces of their scent to attract the opposite sex.
See, that's normal. The zookeeper is like Lu Lu's wingman. He figures out when Zhen Zhen is DTF, and then he makes sure they start talking to each other, with his bamboo stick. Science takes care of the rest.
So well done, Lu Lu, you know how to love your lady right.
Watch the NSFW panda barebacking porno, below, with Chinese news report voiceovers:
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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