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That's ... that's not it


In an exciting plot twist, to which we give a very enthusiastic three thumbs up, Republicans want to peek at Donald Trump's tax returns. And Mitt Romney -- MITT ROMNEY!!! -- started it! Now all the Republicans want a look, and not just of the picture Trump tweeted of himself this week, supposedly signing his tax return next to a big tower of paper.

But Trump can't release his tax returns and show us whether he really is a TEN BILLIONAIRE or whether there might be, as Mitt Romney (MITT ROMNEY!!!) suggested, a "bombshell" in that big stack. Because, as he explained during the debate and then the post-debate spinterview with CNN's Chris Cuomo, he's being very unfairly audited by the IRS now, which doesn't actually prevent him from releasing his tax returns, but he's got no better answer, so sure, let's go with that:

TRUMP: The one problem I have is that I'm always audited by the IRS. Which I think is very unfair. I don't know, maybe because of religion, maybe because of something else, maybe because I'm doing this, although this is just recently --

CUOMO: What do you mean, religion?

TRUMP: Well, maybe because of the fact that I'm a strong Christian, and I feel strongly about it, and maybe because of bias.

CUOMO: You think you get audited for being a strong Christian?

TRUMP: Well, you see what's happened. You have many religious groups that are complaining about that. They've been complaining about it for a long time.

Um. Uh. No? Yeah, no. We understand Christians in America love to claim they are being persecuted -- by atheists and Big Government and Big Gay and the guy driving the garbage truck -- but that's not a thing in real life. And it's definitely not a thing for Donald Trump. Definitely.

Plus, Trump goes on to say he's been getting audited for 10 years, 12 years. Which is "very unfair," he says, and he's "always passed the audit."

[contextly_sidebar id="J13spUbbqAaAeDKNbTvaSmC73MTbAVfl"]But we only learned what a "strong Christian" Trump is in the last year, when all of a sudden Trump told us how much he loves the Bible, he only drinks wine at church with the little crackers, and his favorite Jesus quote is the story about the "two Corinthians." Plus, the pope himself -- the actual The Pope -- said Trump is not a Christian because he is an insufferable hateful dickbag. So maybe the IRS is taking orders from the pope? That's no crazier than Trump's all-of-a-sudden and very convenient explanation for why the mean IRS would be interested in Mr. Ten Billionaire's finances, for the last decade.

Needless to say, we adore this new line of thought. Please, Donald Trump, tell us more about how you are being persecuted for loving the shit out of Jesus so hard. We look forward to more details on that, please and thank you, God, amen.

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