Is Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin The Real Attempted Rapist? Maaaaaybe!
Over this past week, we have heard some fascinating excuses for Brett Kavanaugh having allegedly attempted to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when he was in high school. Hey, he didn't rape us, said some ladies who knew him. It could have just been horseplay, said his spokesperson Carrie Severino! He wasn't even there, said Orrin Hatch! It totally doesn't matter anyway because he has done enough good in his lifetime that he should get to sexually assault like, one lady, said Dennis Prager! Maybe it was a false memory and she hallucinated the whole thing, said the Dilbert guy!
So many possible options. But something was missing. We didn't know it, but we felt it in our bones. And then, today, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathleen Parker dropped it in the Washington Post. What if it wasn't Brett Kavanaugh, she tells us all, very seriously, but rather his evil twin. Or someone who just looked a whole lot like him. Perhaps even this "Bart O'Kavanaugh" we have been hearing so much about.
Let's hear her out!
As crazy as that sounds, it wouldn't be unheard of. And, given the high regard in which Kavanaugh has been held throughout his life, including during high school, it would make the most sense. Could there be a Kavanaugh doppelganger?
"The most sense." Really? It doesn't seem like it would make "the most sense." It would, however, be a super convenient explanation for those who really, really want Brett Kavanaugh to be on the Supreme Court but do not want to look like they don't believe a woman who says he attacked her.
Could there have been another, Kavanaugh-ish-looking teen at the house that night, who might have attacked Ford? (For his part, Judge has written in a memoir that he was an ubiquitous presence at alcohol-drenched parties during high school.)
Cases of mistaken identity are far from rare. People with the same name are often confused, as was the case with Ford herself. On Monday, Drudge Report tweeted a link to an article on another site that seemed intended to discredit her with negative comments by her former students. But it turned out that the reviews pertained to another California professor named Christine Ford.
It seems like that is not so much a case of mistaken identity as it is just the Drudge Report being very bad at journalism. Of course there are multiple Christine Fords in the world. Neither of those names are uncommon! But there is a big difference between being bad at journalism and saying, "Hey, this person, whom I knew, tried to rape me."
To prove her point, Parker notes that one time, there was a guy who looked like John Dillinger and kept getting arrested because he looked like John Dillinger.
Again, however, it seems as though Dr. Blasey knew Brett Kavanaugh, so even if there was someone who looked a whole lot like him, it stands to reason that she knew she was at a party with Brett Kavanaugh, however generic looking he might be.
This theory? I'm not buying it. But I do have some other possible theories that Parker may want to consider for her next groundbreaking op-ed:
- It could actually be his evil identical cousin. Like Patty Duke and David Duke.
- It was his doppelganger, but much like Princess Gina/Hope on Days of Our Lives, said doppelganger was actually someone who got plastic surgery to look exactly like Brett Kavanaugh and pretended to be him in order to win back the love of his life/go around trying to rape ladies at shitty house parties, and the REAL Brett Kavanaugh was trapped in a cage the whole time!
- The doppelganger is actually Dark Brett Kavanaugh from another dimension, in which he is a vampire and wears a lot more PVC than the regular Brett Kavanaugh from this dimension.
- It actually was Brett Kavanaugh but he has a split personality, but he doesn't know he has a split personality on account of how it only ever comes out when he wants to sexually assault someone or rule against women's reproductive rights.
- It actually was Brett Kavanaugh, but he was under an evil witch's spell, like Evil Charity on Passions.
- Brett Kavanaugh and Bart O'Kavanaugh were separated at birth because their real mother couldn't afford to keep both of them and so she gave Brett to her employer to raise as her own -- and the rich one, the real Brett Kavanaugh, is the one who tried to rape Christine Blasey Ford. BUT, the poor one murdered him and took over his life. Like in the Bette Davis movies Dead Ringer and A Stolen Life and also kind of like in Blood Brothers, but not really because they both die in that.
- Dr. Blasey is actually the one with the secret twin, and her secret twin was dating Brett Kavanaugh, and they were very into role play, and Brett Kavanaugh thought she was her own twin, which she wasn't.
- It was Brett Kavanaugh, but he was possessed by an evil inter-dimensional entity named BOB -- known to be prone to both rape and murder -- at the time, so he is not responsible for his actions at this time.
The possibilities, truly, are endless, so long as one is really, really desperate and willing to cling to any explanation that allows one to reconcile thinking that Brett Kavanaugh should be a Supreme Court justice, soon to be in charge of telling women what they are legally allowed to do with their bodies.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse