WINE-THIRTY! (viahere)

Josh Hawley is this conservative wingnut guy who wants to take Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill's job. While McCaskill might be vulnerable at any other time, first of all Democrats are showing the fuck up to vote this year, and also it's kinda stinky to be running as a GOP candidate for Senate in a state where the GOP governor's a giant abusive pervert who's about to face charges while still remaining governor.

But there are three things we did not know about Josh Hawley, because we weren't paying attention. First of all, Josh Hawley is hot. Second, he dresses far too well for his alleged heterosexuality. Third, as Politico reports, dude seems to be FAR TOO BUSY working out his sexxx legs and being all "IT'S WINE-THIRTY, LADIES!" to actually do the work of trying to win the race.

The complaints seem to be that he didn't show up for a recent GOP primary debate, even though he is the leading candidate, and also it is hard to get him to show up for radio appearances and like, such as. According to Politico, this is probably because he is too busying getting caught on tape buying wine in the middle of the day last September, and because he goes to the gym sometimes.

Politico also notes that Hawley was "pressured" into running for the Senate, so maybe he is just being a lazy jerk-off because he doesn't want to be doing this anyway.

Let's look at brah's Instagram page and see how busy he is doing everything but the thing he's supposed to be doing! UH OH, here he is pumping his body last November, instead of doing traditional Republican things like stickin' it to the liberals by stealing their food in the checkout line at Whole Foods (that's right, Tomi Lahren, we see you out there being an idiot and we have no interest in giving you the attention you crave):

Politico also shares this photo of Hawley doing his buttock crunches at the gym, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY:

Oh no, and here he is saying Happy Mother's Day to his mom instead of kicking grandma off a cliff like a common Paul Ryan, allegedly:

And here he is with the president of the Mizzou College Republicans, who is some twink, we guess. DID CAMPAIGN DONORS PAY FOR THIS CAVORTING?

And here is Josh Hawley at "Donuts with Dad" day at his kids' preschool, like come on, Mister Republican candidate, shouldn't you be out saying something sexist about how the sexual revolution turned all the ladies into a buncha sluts who can't even keep an Aspirin between their knees?

Oh great, now he's just hanging out with the president, another lazy ass who works like an hour a day before going back upstairs to yell at clouds:

In this picture, we learn Josh Hawley is too lazy to even turn his phone around to take a selfie while he watches the Super Bowl with his wife. Loser.

Well, we think we've solved the mystery, and it is that Josh Hawley thinks he can just skate into the United States Senate like a common person who skates into places instead of PULLING THEMSELVES UP BY THEIR BOOTSTRAPS, MOTHERFUCKER and earning it. What's a matter, bro? YOU WANT A HANDOUT OR SOMETHING?

Pfffffffffft, maybe while pretty boy is lyin' around on his ass he can make Wonkette a sammich and pour us a glass of the wine he buys all day like a common brunch queen.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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