Yesterday reporters were assembled on the White House lawn to watch Donald Trump praise himself for rescuing the American economy from terrifying, MS-13 low-flow shower heads.

"So showerheads — you take a shower, the water doesn't come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn't come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer?" The president joked. "Because my hair — I don't know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect."

PERFECT.

Also the scourge of energy efficient dishwashers.

Dishwashers — you didn't have any water, so you — the people that do the dishes — you press it, and it goes again, and you do it again and again. So you might as well give them the water because you'll end up using less water. So we made it so dishwashers now have a lot more water. And in many places — in most places of the country, water is not a problem. They don't know what to do with it. It's called "rain." They don't have a problem.

The people that do the dishes, who even are they?


Billed as "Remarks by President Trump on Rolling Back Regulations to Help All Americans," the event was set against a backdrop of a blue pickup truck labeled "Forty Years of Regulatory Burden" and a red pickup truck labeled "Four Years of Regulatory Freedom," with a crane labeled "Trump Administration" lifting weights out of the bed of the red truck. Get it, get it, get it?

Aren't you glad you paid your estimated quarterly income taxes this week so a 74-year-old man could play with toy trucks on the White House lawn ... again? Beep beep VROOOOOOM!

It was less crazy stream of conscious gibberish than the MAGA rally cum press conference on Wednesday, but only marginally. For 40 minutes in the baking sun, Trump praised himself for his "historic campaign to rescue American workers from job-killing regulations."

Were you under the mistaken impression that the Clean Water Act and fuel efficiency standards made it slightly more likely that your children would be able to breathe and drink water here on Planet Earth in the decades to come? Wrong! Those are "a stealth tax on our people — slashing take-home pay, suppressing innovation, surging the cost of goods, and shipping millions of American jobs overseas — millions and millions and millions. It never ended."

Without citation, he bragged about saving the average American household $3,100 per year and claimed to have slashed eight federal regulations for every one added — "It's been an incredible achievement." As in, literally not credible. Also he rescued incandescent lightbulbs, which are "much cheaper" — "They were mandated out, legislated out. And we brought them back, and they're selling like hotcakes." (They're not cheaper.)

And when he "stopped the egregious abuse of the Clean Water Act," verily there was weeping in the streets.

When I signed that legislation, I had many farmers and construction people standing behind me — people that haven't cried since they were a baby. Some of them never even when they were a baby, and they were crying. Many people were cry- — we gave them back their life. They took away their land. They took away their rights. They took away their life.

Were you aware that Donald Trump invented telemedicine?

We made telemedicine available to all American patients and allowed doctors to work across state lines. I will tell you, the telemedicine is something that's really gone up by thousands and thousands of percentage points of percent. Because what happened is people that wouldn't even think of using telemedicine, all of a sudden, started using it, and it's really turned out to be good. Really, really turned out to be good, and it solved a lot of problems. So that's something. There's been great advancement.

Or perhaps people are terrified to leave their houses because of a deadly pandemic, so doctors have been forced to treat them remotely. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

And what would a MAGA rally be without some good old red-meat racism for the rubes.

The Democrats in DC have been and want to, at a much higher level, abolish our beautiful and successful suburbs by placing far-Left Washington bureaucrats in charge of local zoning decisions. They are absolutely determined to eliminate single-family zoning, destroy the value of houses and communities already built, just as they have in Minneapolis and other locations that you read about today. Your home will go down in value and crime rates will rapidly rise.

Joe Biden and his bosses from the radical Left want to significantly multiply what they're doing now. And what will be the end result is you will totally destroy the beautiful suburbs. Suburbia will be no longer as we know it. So they wanted to defund and abolish your police and law enforcement while at the same time destroying our great suburbs.

Do you think he's talking about desegregation? Is it possible that he's dogwhistling about scary brown people moving into white suburbs?

The suburb destruction will end with us. Next week, I will be discussing the AFFH rule — AFFH rule, a disaster — and our plans to protect the suburbs from being obliterated by Washington Democrats, by people on the far Left that want to see the suburbs destroyed, that don't care. People have worked all their lives to get into a community, and now they're going to watch it go to hell. Not going to happen, not while I'm here.

So, that's a yes. Donald Trump wants to get rid of HUD rules that force local governments to demonstrate that they are complying with the Fair Housing Act and not discriminating when they apply for federal grant money. Because if you make sure that brown people have access to good schools and safe communities, then the suburbs will be ABOLISHED. Be very afraid, white people!

Then there was more illegal use of government property for political campaigning, where the president accused Joe Biden of wanted to murder the economy and help Russia by rejoining the Paris Climate Accord, close all prisons and release murderers and rapists into the community, and send cops to re-education camps. Blahblahblah.

Trump finished his "speech" with a promise of exciting things to come.

So we have many exciting things that we'll be announcing over the next eight weeks, I would say. Things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible, and things that we're going to get done and we have gotten done — and we've started in most cases. But it's going to be a very exciting eight weeks, a eight weeks, like I prob- — I think, Mike, we can honestly say nobody has ever going to see eight weeks like we're going to have. Because we really have — we have — we're taking on immigration, taking on education, we're taking on so many aspects of things that people were hopelessly tied up in knots in Congress. They can't — they've been working on some of these things for 25, 30 years. It wasn't happening.

But you'll see levels of detail, and you'll see levels of thought that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn't have in this country. We're going to get things done. We're going to get things done that they've wanted to see done for a long, long time.

Indeed, we have believed very strongly that we didn't have levels of thought in this country. But in exactly 108 days, we very much hope to get some things done that we've wanted to see for a long, long time. Like for four freaking godawful, nightmarish years.

Get this lunatic out of here!

[Transcript]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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