Is President Crime Boss TOTALLY EXONERATED Yet? Your Impeachment Vote Preview!

Impeachment

Today is the day we've all been waiting for, the day our Dear Leader Donald Trump rises from the ashes of impeachment like a small-handed orange phoenix who was picked last for dodgeball at phoenix school and comes forth TOTALLY EXONERATED from the fake sham witch hunt charges Democrats ginned up against him! The TOTAL EXONERATION will be performed by Republican senators who definitely were telling the truth when they vowed to be impartial jurors in the Senate impeachment trial.

Or something.

Right now, senators are on the floor, and if they're Democrats, they are naming and shaming Donald Trump for his constant dumpster fire of crimes and saying why he should be removed from office. If they are Republicans, they are providing some kind of bullshit about how the House didn't really prove its case (it did) or how Trump might have done something bad, but it wasn't that bad (because harassing a foreign power to try to help him steal re-election isn't that bad to them, because the Republican Party is not an American political party anymore). Oh yeah, and if they are Susan Collins, they will probably tell us yet again how Trump really has learned his lesson this time, YOU BETCHA, SUSAN COLLINS.


No really, did you guys see that interview where Susan Collins said that with her mouth? She said that with her mouth, where everybody could see her lying. You might want to send your kids out of the room before you watch this Susan Collins video, because of all the inappropriate lies, and then let them come back later when you are re-watching Shakira and J. Lo at the Super Bowl.

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After that interview, we imagine Collins went home and got into her comfy clothes and voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh again, just for good measure, as we assume she does every day in some way or another.

Of course, at a White House lunch yesterday, President Learned-His-Lesson was specifically asked if, like Collins suggested, he had learned his lesson, and he said, "It was a perfect call!" Spoken like a true guy who has learned his lesson and promises never to try to piss on American democracy and steal a re-election for himself in the fall. YOU BETCHA, SUSAN COLLINS.

This is how democracy dies. Not in darkness, but on the floor of the most clownfuckish legislative body on the planet, the United States Senate.

So will there be any surprises in the vote, which is set to start around 4 p.m. Eastern? Well, we guess it's possible the Republican Party could have a communal epiphany (please, Ted Cruz, not in front of the children) and realize that if they remove Trump this afternoon, he can't hurt them anymore. But that's not going to happen. Mitt Romney might vote to remove. Such brave, many maverick!

More interesting is whether any Democrats will decide to Joe Manchin themselves into Mitch McConnell's lap and give Trump the bipartisan TOTAL EXONERATION he would so very much love to have. Manchin himself has been calling for the meaningless gesture of censure, under some misguided belief that maybe some Republicans would go along with that, but Democratic Party leadership is like fuck off. Aside from Manchin, there is Doug Jones in Alabama, who faces a tough re-election race in November, which he will lose, so it doesn't matter what he does. (Late breaking literally as this was being published! Jones has announced he is doing the right thing and voting to convict on both articles.) Meanwhile, there is Arizona's Kyrsten Sinema, who is being a total Kyrsten Sinema about this.

A few minutes ago on the Senate floor, GOP Senator John Cornyn, while explaining how warm it is to live inside Donald Trump's ass where votes to convict aren't allowed, said he just really hopes Democrats will "accept the results" today, when his crime party votes to affirm its undying fealty to its crime boss. We will, John. As long as you accept what happens to the GOP at the ballot box in November, oh wait, your crime boss is going to whine that it was #rigged no matter who kicks his ass at this point.

Liveblog later this afternoon, y'all!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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