Is This Post About Sex? Or Is It About MADE YOU LOOK?

Hahahahaha, MADE YOU LOOK.

There is a pandemic, and it is called the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19. You might have forgotten about it, or maybe you never knew. It's not as dominant on the news these days, what with how America has taken to the streets to finally try to actually do something about racist murderous policing. Oh yeah, and the federal government, led by Donald Trump, has decided pandemics are boooooring and over 100,000 Americans dying in pandemics is booooooring and science is boooooooring. Better to just let Nana die and hope she was a Democrat, right, Trump?

The point is the pandemic still exists, it is here, and it is growing.

But there are also sex tips in this post, and that is because the New York City health department has released some guidelines for safer sex in the time of coronavirus, so in the interest of MADE YOU LOOK, we will give you some corona-FACTS, and then for dessert, we will give you some corona-SEX-facts. Why? Because you're shallow and probably wouldn't have just clicked on a science post.

Let's start with the serious, somber truth. Over 114,000 Americans are now confirmed to have died from COVID-19. Yes, 114,000. There are over two million confirmed cases in America, and nobody in Trump's government seems to give a shit.

Bloomberg reports on the so-called "second wave" of the coronavirus, which appears to be hitting because a bunch of states had a race to see who could reopen the fastest. Here are just three data points:

A month into its reopening, Florida reported 8,553 new coronavirus cases this week -- the most of any seven-day period.

In Texas, hospitalizations on Tuesday jumped 6.3% to 2,056, the highest since the pandemic emerged and the third consecutive daily increase.

California's hospitalizations are at their highest since May 13 and have risen in nine of the past 10 days.

But as Bloomberg explains, the forming second wave is taking some weird shapes. For instance, the virus seems to be plateauing at the moment in Georgia, where under the sage leadership of Governor Brian Kemp, they reopened so fast they might as well have just put COVID in the water supply. California shut down quickly and thoroughly, and its numbers are rising, as you see.

Arizona, though, which also reopened pretty fast ... Arizona has it BAD:

Arizona "sticks out like a sore thumb in terms of a major problem," said Jeffrey Morris, director of the division of biostatistics at University of Pennsylvania's Perelman School of Medicine.

Arizona's daily tally of new cases has abruptly spiked in the last two weeks, hitting an all-time high of 1,187 on June 2.

This week, its Department of Health Services sent hospitals a letter urging them to activate emergency plans and prepare to staff beds.

Hospitalizations are going up in 12 states, including Arizona and California. The others are Alaska, Arkansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Montana, North Carolina, Oregon, South Carolina, Texas and Utah. Note that 10 of the 12 are states that voted for Donald Trump in 2016. Why note that? Oh no reason.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said recently that Trump doesn't even hardly talk to him or the coronavirus task force anymore. The New York Timesreports on a talk Fauci gave to biotech executives, where he said we are way far from being out of the woods on this thing, calling the pandemic his "worst nightmare."

"In a period of four months, it has devastated the whole world," Dr. Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said on Tuesday during a conference held by BIO, the Biotechnology Innovation Organization. "And it isn't over yet." [...]

Although he had known that an outbreak like this could occur, one aspect has surprised him, he said, and that is "how rapidly it just took over the planet."

Fauci did say he is "almost certain" one of the vaccines being tested will ultimately work. Or more than one! But he also said HIV, which he he is an expert on, is "really simple" compared to COVID-19.

"Oh my goodness," Dr. Fauci said. "Where is it going to end? We're still at the beginning of really understanding."

So there's that.

Anyway, we're nowhere near having a vaccine, so we guess we're just all on our own, because it's not like we have a functioning federal government in America or anything.

Rachel Dratch Snl GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy

But hey, at least we're not Brazil, where Trump's pal Jair Bolsonaro is fucking it up just as badly or worse than Trump is!

So that's the tip of the iceberg of what's going on with the coronavirus in America today. Just a few facts for you to keep in mind.

Ready for the boning tips? You are ready for the boning tips, now that we tricked you into reading a science post. LOL @ you, accidentally reading "science."

Can you bone during coronavirus? New York says yes! Just follow these tips!

Who should we bone? "You are your safest sex partner," says New York. Just wash your hands afterwards, says New York.

But if you must bone others, the next safest is somebody you live with, says New York. Outside of that, think about risk factors like you would think about HIV and other STDs.

What if we want to bone a whole buncha people at the same time? "Three (or more) is definitely a crowd," says New York! "But, if you decide to find a crowd," then you should "limit the size of your guest list." And you know, mask it up and use Purell and stuff. Also, "Pick larger, more open, and well-ventilated spaces." Maybe do your sex party in the park! Just kidding, we don't think they are saying that. Simply rent a large warehouse.

What if you find people online for boning on the regular? Consider "sexy Zoom parties," that is one of New York's ideas!

Any tips for keeping safer WHILE ACTUALLY DOING THE SEX? Yes, New York has those!

Kissing is dangerous. Rimjobs also could be dangerous, also too.

But that doesn't mean New York doesn't think you should "Make it a little kinky," because they literally wrote Make it a little kinky just like that, in bold! "Be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers, like walls, that allow sexual contact while preventing close face to face contact." That's right, simply intercourse your lover through a wall like the X-Men character that can go through walls, just kidding they are lightly alluding to gloryholes right there, we are pretty sure.

Should you bone if you are feeling like you personally are sick? Um, no, you idiot. That's not a good idea even during non-pandemic times.

Anyway, good coronavirus sex tips! Horrific coronavirus news otherwise!

If you'd like to read the full list of sex tips, please click and bookmark it, because it is obviously not New York-specific, and it's not like some Republican town is going to come out with its own sex tips besides "read the Bible together instead" and "NO GAYING."

If you don't want to read the fuil list of sex tips, then this is your OPEN THREAD.

NO GAYING in the comments. You know, unless you want to, in which case we are fine with that. MAKE IT A LITTLE KINKY!

[Bloomberg / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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