So what's today in the impeachment trial going to be like? We have NO CLUE! Are they going to vote for witnesses on Friday? Well, the news is saying Mitch McConnell doesn't have the votes to block that right now, but again, we have NO CLUE.

Does it mean anything that CNN is reporting that the White House has issued a "formal threat" to John Bolton to keep him from publishing his tell all book about all the sexcapades he did while he worked for Trump? We have NO CLUE, but it sounds ominous and not very American! (Book may not actually be about John Bolton's sex life. But it might have sex scenes. You don't know.)

Here is Donald Trump, having a temper tantrum about life:

LOL, what a very normal president and/or toddler and/or wombat with syphilis!

Anyway, today is the beginning of question and answer time in the impeachment trial, and here is how that works:

Senators will write down their questions on a note card and give them to Chief Justice John Roberts. Roberts must then act out the questions like he is playing the common game of charades, even if it is very embarrassing and he has to dance a polka or show his nipples or something, because that is how Constitution says it has to work. After that, the House managers and the Trump lawyers can answer.

And we are going to liveblog it!


www.youtube.com

1:04: Oh here's some more John Bolton news from House Foreign Affairs Committee chair Eliot Engel. Apparently he specifically told Engel to look into the firing of Marie Yovanovitch.

A senator should ask about that!

1:15: LOL did the chaplain just subtweet the Republican senators by saying Besmirch Statements TO GOD IN HIS PRAYER about how the senators should do "the right thing" in this impeachment trial?

1:17: First question is from Susan Collins, and it is "Can I vote to confirm Brett Kavanaugh again?" JUST FOOLING.

It is a question from her and Murk and Mittens and it is a thing about if Trump had more motives for extorting Ukraine on top of "do crime." The question goes to the Trump lawyers.

Trump's lawyer says that's a dumb reason to impeach Trump, if he's got multiple motives to do crimes, like maybe some of them are good motives! Also he says PSHAW to the idea that there's "no possible public interest" to Trump demanding investigations of Joe Biden, his likely political opponent, because isn't it just totally normal for Trump to demand investigations into Joe Biden?

Also what if, in Trump's brain, 48 percent of him was interested in just doing crime, and 52 percent was demanding investigations from foreign countries into Joe Biden for AMERICA REASONS?

In conclusion, Donald Trump should be allowed to do crime.

1:23: Next question comes from Chuck Schumer, and it is WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN BOLTON?

Adam Schiff says he does not know, but holy shit, we sure do need to hear from him, since he witnessed Trump's crimes up close and they are coming out in his book anyway. Also he would like to discuss the first question about Trump's "mixed motives," because fuck off. In conclusion, let's call John Bolton!

1:28: Schiff concludes by showing videos of Pat Cipollone and one of Trump's other shit lawyers saying you should DEFINITELY get all of the facts (like from Bolton maybe!), and oh man, they are better at this than Trump's shit lawyers.

1:31: Next question is from a Republican, we didn't catch which one, and it is for the Trump lawyers, and it is YOU GONNA LET ADAM SCHIFF TALK ABOUT YOU LIKE THAT?

One of Trump's shit-lawyers responds by saying Trump DID TOO have multiple motives for his crimes, including "burden-sharing," AKA Trump's dumbshit belief that Europe doesn't do its part in helping Ukraine, etc. To prove that Trump does hold this dumbshit belief, he awkwardly goes back to his desk to get a copy of the READTEHTRASJDKSKJCCRIPT!

Also he does not think we should hear from John Bolton, because John Bolton is unperson now. Also his argument is "cmon you guys, if we have to do witnesses, you are gonna be SO BORED because impeachment trial is going to take SO LONG and BAD PRECEDENT" and we dunno what else, that is not an exact quote, but it was definitely that whiny.

1:37: Next question comes from Ed Markey to the Adam Schiff side of things. He wants to know if the House actually did ask Bolton to testify. Schiff responds by saying YES DOY DOY DOY, and he refused, and they asked his deputy Charles Kupperman to testify, and he refused and took them to court. Fortunately, Kupperman's deputy FIONA HILL did testify and her deputy ALEX VINDMAN also did.

Schiff notes that Trump's lawyers are saying something totally different to the Senate than they are saying to the courts about whether people should be required to testify, telling the Senate the House should have litigated this for years, but telling the judge down the street that the House has zero standing to even ask for these witnesses.

Conveniently, Liz did a lawsplainer on this just yesterday!

1:39: SCHIFF: "60-year-old Alan Dershowitz doesn't agree with 81-year-old Alan Dershowitz," and no, it is not because he learned how to law better.

We are just here to note that holy shit, Schiff is so much better at this than all of Trump's shit lawyers. Did we say that already? Gonna say it like 50 more times today.

1:40: Next question is from Marsha Blackburn and a flock of other idiots, and it is for Trump's shit lawyers. They want to know if there is a different standard for "impeach" in the House than there is in the Senate, because we guess they couldn't Google this for themselves. Also they want to know if Trump is innocent, or GLORIOUSLY innocent with cream and sugar on top.

Trump's shit lawyer is actually having to explain Impeach, How Does It Work for Marsha Blackburn, Tennessee's most embarrassing export, and yes, he agrees that Trump is covered with cream and sugar and completely innocent Yeti Pubes goodness.

1:46: MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE SENATE CHAMBER:

TELL US MORE!

Next question comes from Dianne Feinstein, and it is for the House managers. She would like to know if it is true, like the Trump shit lawyers say, that there is no evidence Trump linked the military aid to his demand for investigations. Jason Crow takes over for Adam Schiff, and says, well for one thing, Mick Mulvaney fucking confessed.

Also Gordon Sondland talked to Trump on the phone and said "NO QUID PRO QUO" but then he explained the ins and outs of the quid pro quo he wanted from Ukraine. Oh yeah also Sondland literally delivered that quid pro quo in Warsaw.

And then there was Ambassador Bill Taylor, who must have been reacting to something when he texted Sondland that is fucking crazy that they are tying military aid to investigations.

In conclusion, maybe John Bolton could speak to this issue. You should call him!

1:49: Next question from one of the Utah senators, but not the mittens one, the "Mike Lee" one. His question is for Trump's shit lawyers, and he would like to know isn't it Trump's right to decide how to do foreign policy, even if his foreign policy is just to commit crimes all day long? Trump's shit lawyer says yes.

1:54: Trump shit lawyer's extended answer is that this is just a POLICY dispute, even though Trump's POLICY is just to commit crimes, and if Americans don't like that, they should vote him out instead of doing impeachment, which is not even in Constitution, oh wait just kidding it is.

Jeanne Shaheen sends the next question, and it is a bunch of examples of ways Trump could and has abused his power, and basically she is giving the House managers a chance to talk about how "abuse of power" is literally the simplest thing you can and should impeach a president for, there does not have to be a statutory crime present, and also by the way, Trump did commit statutory crimes.

1:58: Sylvia Garcia notes that some crimes are actually not impeachable! Like if Trump was mostly good but was just a big stinky jaywalker, we would not impeach him for that! We'd give him a traffic ticket and a dirty look. And why? Because impeachment and the criminal process are different things, duh.

2:01: John Kennedy would like to ask EVERYBODY a question, along with Marsha Blackburn, gonna be a dumb question because they are two of the dumbest, and it is ...

Why did House not challenge Trump's claims of executive privilege and absolute immunity during its impeachment investigation?

Hakeem Jeffries notes that Trump never invoked executive privilege, so how could they do that? They did raise a made-up bullshit legal doctrine of "absolute immunity," and the House DID argue in court against those, in related cases working their way through the courts. Seriously, Google Wonkette + "absolute immunity," because we wrote about ALL THEM.

Now it is time for Trump's shit lawyer to answer a question that really wasn't to him, even though Kennedy and Blackburn technically asked both sides. He says the House's subpoenas were fake and Congress is not Trump's real dad.

2:07: Next question is from Patrick Leahy to the House managers. He would like them to talk about how Trump pretends he didn't just release the aid to Ukraine because he got caught, and his lawyers say he's been a better ally to Ukraine than even Barry Bamz Obama. Val Demings will address why this is all lies.

2:09: Demings notes that YOU SENATORS actually had to make sure Ukraine got the aid YOU SENATORS had already appropriated and Trump was holding inside his bottom. And YOU SENATORS had to do that after Trump got caught.

2:10: DEMINGS: No harm, no foul to the delay in aid? Fuck off. YOU SENATORS know that is not true.

Next question is from Ted Cruz and it is can he get a fresh soup can to jerk off into? LOL KIDDING, that is not his question!

It is for Trump's shit lawyers, and it is "Quid pro quos are actually AWESOME, right?"

2:12: Trump's shit lawyer says the only way a quid pro quo is bad is if the quid pro quo is illegal. Which is exactly what Democrats have been saying.

But he literally is arguing that it is TOTALLY OK for Trump to say a quid pro quo to get himself re-elected is "in the public interest," because that is totally fine and normal.

Giphy

2:17: Next question is from Chuck Schumer to the House managers, and it is OH MY GOD, DID THEY REALLY JUST FUCKING SAY THAT?

Adam Schiff says holy shit, let's talk about this!

2:18: SCHIFF: Oh my god, they literally just said all quid pro quos are great, and they are all the same, including "crime pro quos," which is what Trump did. Did they fucking confess just then? I think so!

Anyway, Schiff addresses some other bullshit Trump's lawyers said, about how it's somehow the same that Barack Obama told Dmitry Medvedev that he'd have some more flexibility after his re-election on missile defense, and that Trump demanded Ukraine investigate his political opponents. Schiff notes that the actual parallel would be if Obama had ASKED UKRAINE TO INVESTIGATE MITT ROMNEY. Hello, Mittens, you happen to be in the room right now!

2:21: SCHIFF: It's not hard to find out which quid pro quos are good and which ones are just crimes. A good person to ask would be John Bolton!

And now Chuck Grassley has a question for Trump's lawyers, and it is if the House didn't enforce its subpoenas, doesn't that mean the second article of impeachment is a big dumb boner? Trump's shit lawyer says yes, what a BIG dumb boner.

2:25: Trump's shit lawyer would now like to cite Nixon as precedent without mentioning how much Nixon lost all that litigation about privilege and immunity and whatnot.

2:27: Next question is from Debbie Stabenow, and it is a free pass for Zoe Lofgren to correct any lies Trump's team has told. Lofgren says OMG LIES, HERE IS SOME.

1. We have evidence of Trump's intent outside his Perfect Call, and some of that involves John Bolton, you should subpoena him.

2. Trump lies and says the Ukrainians felt "no pressure," and here is why. Zelenskyy was literally in the process of setting up the CNN interview Trump demanded, before he got caught.

3. Trump lies and says Ukraine didn't know about the aid hold. Here is a list of people who testified and explained that yes they did.

4. Trump lies and says no witnesses said Trump linked the aid to the investigations announcement. Yes they did, but HAVE YOU EVER MET JOHN BOLTON?

5. Trump lies and says no crimes were committed. Here's a crime.

6. Oh yes, and they are lying and saying this was just a "policy dispute." Shaking down Ukraine to investigate your domestic political opponents is not "policy."

2:32: Next question is from Tom Cotton and a bunch of his MENSA friends, for Trump's shit lawyers. Did the House try to get witnesses or litigate executive privilege while Nancy Pelosi was hiding the impeachment articles from the Senate? Trump's lawyers say no. What a dumb question, but that's what we expect from Tom Cotton and his MENSA friends.

2:34: Haha, MSNBC keeps going to break during Trump's shit lawyers' very badstupid answers. RIGGED!

2:37: Next question is from Tom Udall for House managers, and it is please talk about how dumb it is when Trump's shit lawyers argue that impeachment, which is constitutional, is "overturning" the (almost certainly illegitimate) results of the 2016 election, and also their whining about how it is an election year, blah blah blah.

Adam Schiff starts by addressing some thing Trump's shit lawyer said about litigation, noting that they are STILL IN COURT on getting Don McGahn to testify. Then he moves to the next question, noting that if impeachment was so unconstitutional, it wouldn't be in the Constitution, now would it.

SCHIFF: Know what is not in Constitution? The idea that you can't impeach a president until their second term, or that you can commit any crimes you want in your first term. Know what the framers WERE really concerned about? Foreign influence on elections.

2:43: Rob Portman with a question for Trump's shit lawyers, and it is why is the House being so mean and trying to make the Senate do a fair trial with real witnesses? Trump's shit lawyer does not know why the House is being so mean and trying to make the Senate do a fair trial with real witnesses, he just finds it very unfair and damaging to the Senate's ability to do its very important work, which it hasn't actually been doing in any discernible way for over a year now.

TRUMP SHIT LAWYER: If you call witnesses, you won't even have time to confirm unqualified 24-year-old judges for Trump!

2:49: Next question for House managers from Tom Carper. Would you please address the bullshit idea that if we call witnesses, it will somehow last a million years, and that privilege would have to be litigated forever, considering how the chief justice of the Supreme Court is RIGHT THERE and CAN DO THAT and witness depositions in the Clinton impeachment took approximately five minutes?

Hakeem Jeffries confirms all the facts in Carper's very good question.

2:52: JEFFRIES: This is a trial. Trials have witnesses, documents, and evidence. None of this is fucking new. Also having new witnesses in Senate impeachment trials is not new. Like for instance, what about John Bolton?

2:55: Next question from big dumb John Cornyn, and it is for Trump's shit lawyers. Is it BAD for presidents to not be allowed to commit all the crimes he wants all day long? No, that is not the question, he wants to know if it will damage the presidency if an Article III court doesn't weigh in on whether Trump is allowed to keep all his crimes a secret because of the fake legal doctrine of "absolute immunity."

3:00: Next question from Brian Schatz and Dianne Feinstein to the House managers, and it is, if Trump was committing NOT CRIME or did not have criminal intent, would there be evidence of that, and did Trump's lawyers present any evidence like that, LOL just kidding, we know they did not.

Jason Crow says yes, you'd think maybe SOMEBODY would say Trump was committing NOT CRIME, but none of his people said that. John Bolton has thoughts about it!

3:03: Next question is from Lindsey Graham and it is how is Donald Trump so awesome at golf and so sexxxxy at the same time?

Haha just kidding, his question is if Barack Obama had evidence that Mitt Romney's son had done bad corruptions in a foreign country, would Barack Obama have the authority to ask the foreign country to investigate that.

Adam Schiff says Graham's hypothetical is dumb as fuck, but says sure, let's pretend it's not. If Obama had asked a foreign leader to target his political opponent, IT WOULD BE BAD, YOU DUMB AS FUCK IDIOT.

SCHIFF: Are we really having this conversation right now? Are you goddamn kidding me?

3:08: SCHIFF: It's REALLY gross also too because there is literally no merit to Trump's Kremlin conspiracy theories about the Bidens. Also remember how he didn't even care about an actual investigation, just wanted the announcement? Yeah that.

Next question from Democratic Senator Gary Peters of Michigan, and he wants to know if you literally have to commit statutory crimes to commit "high crimes and misdemeanors," because guess he missed every day of this trial so far and also the first two hours of today. Zoe Lofgren will now splain him good.

3:14: LOFGREN: Trump could deface a post office box in the middle of Fifth Avenue and we ... wouldn't impeach him. But that would be a crime! Because impeachment and crime is DIFFERENT.

Next question is from Murk and somebody, and they want to know why Trump's shit lawyers think all the Democratic subpoenas from before they passed HR 660, which directed committees to do an impeachment inquiry, are totally fake and not Trump's real dad. Trump's shit lawyer now giving a long boring answer about why those subpoenas are fake and not Trump's real dad.

3:20: Trump's shit lawyer cites the opinion of Bill Barr's Office of Legal Counsel, which is LOL, and argues that Congress's subpoenas are fake and Congress is not Trump's real dad.

Now we get question from Bob Casey to House managers, which is how are non-crimey public servants SUPPOSED to act, vs. how super-crimey Trump acted.

3:23: Nadler explaining chapter-and-verse all of Trump's crimes and betrayals of the public trust, noting again that if what Trump did isn't impeachable, nothing is.

Nadler also would like to tell Trump's lawyers why they are full of shit on the subpoenas, and how many bags of dicks they should eat.

3:25: NADLER: This case Trump's shit lawyers keep mentioning about Nixon, they are forgetting the part about how that case also found that you can't use executive privilege to shield wrongdoing.

Oh also, by the way, Trump waived executive privilege when he accused John Bolton of lying about Trump telling him the military aid was linked to the announcement of investigations.

Two more questions and we will take break!

3:28: Pat Roberts would like Trump's shit lawyers to say why Jerry Nadler was wrong about all that.

TRUMP SHIT LAWYER: No disrespect to the chief justice, but THE CHIEF JUSTICE IS NOT DONALD TRUMP'S REAL DAD EITHER!

3:30: Jay Sekulow, fucking idiot, appears to be arguing that the FBI started the Trump/Russia investigation upon Hillary Clinton's orders.

3:31: And now, Kamala Harris with a real question, to the House managers. Nixon said if the president does it, it's not illegal. Before he was president, Trump said if you're a star you can grab them by the pussy, and after he became president, he said Article II means he can do anything. If we don't remove the motherfucker, how does that damage the idea of justice in America for all eternity?

Say something passionate, Adam Schiff!

3:34: Schiff says the only way Trump could think these things or that his crimes were in the national interest is if he incorrectly believes he is America. And he is so hilariously offensively NOT THAT.

3:37: Schiff going through how bad-faith Trump and his lawyers really are, noting that even if they took their "absolute immunity" shit all the way to SCOTUS and lost, they'd just find a new way to obstruct and argue some other kind of privilege and would just tell them to pound sand forever, because he literally thinks he is king.

And break time!

3:39: Oh by the way, Wonkette is being sued by an idiot superlawyer. Go read about it while we are on a break, but come right back!

4:07: And we are back! Starting with a question from a bunch of Republican idiots on the Armed Services Committee. Is it worse that Donald Trump tried to bribe a foreign country and extort investigation announcements, while holding on to their aid, or that Barack Obama didn't even do any extortions because he wasn't giving Ukraine lethal aid before?

Trump shit lawyer says Obama was worse, obviously.

4:11: Trump shit lawyer lies again and says Ukraine didn't know the aid had even been paused. This is a lie, because it is a lie.

4:14: Angus King with a question for everybody, and it is why is the other senator from Maine so fucking awful, just kidding, that is not his question. It's about how John Kelly says he believes John Bolton, and does everybody agree that John Bolton should testify? Trump's shit lawyer Jay Sekulow says NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, that was in the FAKE LYIN' NEW YORK TIMES, and we do not even know if John Bolton said that, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

4:17: SEKULOW: If they get witnesses, we get witnesses, and we promise they will be irrelevant and waste your time!

Adam Schiff says the question isn't whether John Kelly believes John Bolton, it is do the SENATORS believe John Bolton? Maybe they should call him, as a witness, to find out for themselves!

4:20: Ted Cruz and Mike Lee and Josh Hawley with a question for the Trump lawyers and it is can they out the whistleblower yet?

4:23: Trump shit lawyer does not out the whistleblower, but he'd like to make some baseless insinuations about collusion with Adam Schiff and stuff like that.

Now for a question from Martin Heinrich, to Trump's shit lawyers: When did you shit lawyers first learn Bolton's book was in the White House for review, and what have y'all all done to intimidate Bolton or his publisher? JUST ASKING QUESTIONS.

4:26: Trump idiot lawyer is now reading the BS letter sent to Bolton's lawyer alleging that he just filled his book with classified information, because of how John Bolton is too dumb to write a book without filling it with classified information.

4:28: Joni Ernst with a question about breadbags or something, just kidding, it is how GREAT is it that Donald Trump gave Ukraine Javelin missiles (and then extorted Ukraine with that lethal aid)? Was it SUPER GREAT or was it SUPER EXTRA GREAT?

Trump lawyer's answer was propagandistic garbage, we are not repeating it.

Feinstein with a question, joined by a bunch of Democrats, for the House managers. Should there be witnesses and documents in trials, or is there precedent for doing none of that and just doing sham trials instead? Please cite cases in America, not Russia.

4:37: And Zoe Lofgren gives a long and elegant answer on the separation of powers and the rights of Congress to do its job as an equal branch.

Next question! You all say Ukraine didn't know about the aid hold but Laura Cooper testified that her office at Defense was getting inquiries about the aid looooooong before that. Doesn't that mean YOU LIE?

Trump shit lawyer says that does not mean YOU LIE, and proceeds to act like Ukraine didn't know, which they totally did.

4:43: Next question for the House managers from one of the Maryland senators, we didn't see which one. Same question on whether Ukraine knew or not, please tell the whole truth unlike a common Trump lawyer. Jason Crow cites Laura Cooper's testimony of getting emails from the Ukrainian embassy literally on July 25, the same day as the perfect call. Maybe we should subpoena the emails! Here is more evidence that there was a TON of discussion among Ukrainians about the aid hold, which they knew about.

4:49: Oh great, another question from Susan Collins and Murk, to Trump's shit lawyers. Did Trump care about Ukraine's corruption before Joe Biden was in the race? Did he mention this to former Ukrainian president Poroshenko?

(He does not care about Ukrainian corruption now, except for if he can use it to cheat in the election.)

4:53: Trump's shit lawyer is basically confessing all the things Rudy Giuliani has been doing in Ukraine, so that's an interesting strategy, but basically what we are hearing is that this crime has been going on A WHILE.

4:55: Kamala Harris and Patty Murray want to hear about Lev Parnas's tape of Trump trying to fire Marie Yovanovitch. Does this new tape mean evidence is really likely to keep just exploding out no matter what, so maybe we should have witnesses and documents?

Schiff like "duh." For instance, when John Bolton's book comes out. And for all of eternity after that.

5:01: Deb Fischer of Nebraska would like to say she is really buying this "Trump cres about corruption" thing hook, line and sinker. How long has Trump been obsessed with the corruption in Burisma and just losing sleep over it?

Trump shit lawyer idiot is going to tell you all a story now, about Trump's deep concerns about corruption in Burisma.

5:04: Oh nothing, just a Trump shit lawyer spreading Kremlin propaganda about Ukraine meddling in the election to hurt Trump, a propaganda conspiracy theory Trump literally believes.

5:07: Richard Blumenthal asks the Trump lawyers if anybody told the White House counsel that John Bolton's book was going to be "politically problematic for the president." No, they say nobody told them that, but they assumed John Bolton was going to be very mean and "disgruntled."

Now, to a question from Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley and another idiot: Can we out whistleblower now? Did he do JOE BIDEN QUID PRO QUOS in Ukraine! We are some dumb motherfuckers if we believe this JOE BIDEN QUID PRO QUOS nonsense. For some reason they asked Adam Schiff, so he could make them look like idiots to their faces.

Schiff will not be outing the whistleblower, but he will outline Trump's witness intimidation against the whistleblower and cite Chuck Grassley's defenses of whistleblower protections, and Mitt Romney's, and Richard Burr's, right there with them in the room.

5:16: Sheldon Whitehouse and others with a question about the "missing witness" rule and whether senators should draw an adverse inference from Trump hiding witnesses and documents. Schiff is like duh, if they had anybody to exonerate Trump that person would be testifying right now.

5:20: SCHIFF: That "adverse inference" is SCREAMING AT YOU with John Bolton. But you shouldn't have to rely on an inference. You can just call him!

5:21: John Thune says Trump lawyers, please tell me why Trump withholding witnesses means Trump is WAY INNOCENT.

5:26: Hahahaha, idiot Trump lawyer says if you do the right process, they TOTALLY follow the law and give over documents, TOTALLY! You bet.

5:27: Good question from one of the New Hampshire senators. Did Mick Mulvaney waive privilege WHEN HE CONFESSED?

Hakeem Jeffries says duh, and also reminds us the Trump administration has never asserted executive privilege.

5:31: Murk has a question for everyone, and it is how should they decide if Trump is guilty, should they literally look at all the confessions and the evidence and use their goddamn common sense, or can the Republicans do something different?

Zoe Lofgren says the Constitution doesn't specify the burden of proof.

5:35: TRUMP IDIOT: Remember, you've been told your heads would be "on a pike" if you vote against the president. Just kidding, he did not say that, but he definitely thinks they should not be finding Trump guilty, all this evidence should be ignored, and so forth.

5:39: Hey look, more questions about how Trump hasn't asserted executive privilege and also waives it constantly when he confesses. Good times!

5:44: LOL time for clownfuckery! John Kennedy says TELL US HUNTER BIDEN BURISMA STUFF and freakin' Pam Bondi gets up to say? In conspiratorial tones? That Hunter Biden went to Monaco? One time? OMG!

5:48: CHUCK SCHUMER: Name one time Trump has actually cooperated with Congress.

TRUMP IDIOT: We totally would've if the subpoenas hadn't been fake like an Obama birth certificate and if Congress was Trump's real dad :(

Zoe Lofgren like "looka these clowns up here."

5:55: Uh oh, we missed the last question because MSNBC went to commercial but Adam Schiff is talking about how the ICIG is doing a good job and the whistleblower should be protected and please piss off with allegations of "bias" on the part of the whistleblower.

Trump whinyass Jay Sekulow says whistleblower WAS TO BIASSSSSS, like it even matters, everything in the whistleblower complaint was proven true.

5:59: Joe Manchin has question, and it is can he become Republican yet? Just kidding it is for Trump's lawyers, and Manchin wants to know WTF happened that made Alan Dershowitz change his mind and suddenly say you can't impeach without a statutory crime. Dersh says I TOOK MY PANTIES OFF! just kidding he, who is not an expert on constitutional law, says he read some new books he hadn't read before, and he is still not an expert on constitutional law.

6:03: NADLER: Shut up, Dershowitz, "high crimes and misdemeanors" literally was understood to mean "abuse of power" by the framers, literally every impeachment ever has included abuse of power, this is so fucking stupid and insulting to all our intelligence. All scholars understand this, except I guess Sparky the Wonder Brain over here.

Question from Richard Burr! Trump lawyers, please tell Richard Burr how Mick Mulvaney's confession was not a confession and whether we should believe you or our lying eyes.

TRUMP IDIOT: Believe us! Not your lying eyes! Mick Mulvaney walked his thing back because he got in trouble for confessing! Believe that, not his confession!

6:10: Question from one of the Maryland senators, what did John Bolton mean by "drug deal" Trump was cooking up?

SCHIFF: Oh, so Trump was extorting Ukraine for an announcement of investigations in exchange for aid and a White House meeting. Specifically that was in early July, as Fiona Hill testified Bolton got real mad, and this meeting was specifically about the White House visit. But maybe John Bolton thought Donald Trump was literally selling drugs out of the White House hidden inside Big Macs! ASK JOHN BOLTON.

Trump idiot lawyer will not even accept that Bolton called it a "drug deal," despite how literally everybody remembers it.

6:15 OH, HAI Wonkers! It's Liz, your Five Dollar Feminist taking over for a while!

Also Philbin just said HEARSAY! CONFLICTING ACCOUNTS! Ipso facto we can't call any witnesses.

6:17 Kevin Cramer, the Senator from North Dakota's Fisher Industries asks how can there be a QUID PRO QUO if the Ukrainians didn't wind up doing the investigation, HUH HUH HUH? That dork lawyer Purpura says nope, omits the fact that those assholes got caught because of the whistleblower.

6:18 Some bluestate Senator (didn't catch who, sorry) just asked how they can debate without knowing what Rudy Guiliani and the chucklefuckers were cooking up. Schiff says NO WE FUCKIN CANNOT, and we're getting nothing from the intelligence community since Cipollone ordered the entire executive branch to give the House the stiff-arm.

6:22 OH GODDAMMIT they said Beetlejuice and now Dersh is back. Some GOP dick said abuse of power is maladministration, right? And now Dersh is four hundred words in to an impassioned defense of his position. Which is not the position he took twenty years ago. But now he studied it instead of shooting his mouth off like an asshole, and is "much more correct."

6:24 Shoe on the other foot test, DRINK! Dersh is yelling at Laurence Tribe for getting "woke." Dersh mad GRRRRRR ARRRGHHHHH. And yelling at the House managers. How dare you question the great Alan Dershowitz????

6:26 Ben Cardin has a truly lovely Baltimore accent.

6:28 Cardin asks for himself and Ed Markey if a real judge would call a trial without witnesses or evidence a "fair trial." Adam Schiff says DUH NO. And now he's gonna read Dersh for filth, bring it bitches!

Schiff says that Dersh did the reading twenty years ago, he's a bloody genius. It beggars belief to believe that he didn't do his homework back then. What's changed is that Dersh wants one last moment to bask in the sun, and if he has to sell his ass to the Republican party to get it, well, those panties are comin' off!

6:31 Schiff reminding all present that Dersh actually said that, as long as the president believes his reelection is in the national interest, he can bribe a foreign leader for dirt on his opponent.

6:33 And now it's dinner time! Hooray! Maybe it will be Evan back at 7:10. Maybe it will be me. WHO KNOWS???

7:02 Whilst you are waiting, would you like to watch Alan Dershowitz 'splain you how all the other lawyers are idiots, and if the president thinks his own re-election is good for America, he can commit ALL THE CRIMES?

Where have we seen this before?

Giphy


7:20 They're still not back. Meanwhile in Crazytown ...

7:25 Still not back. Also, Rand Paul, still a raging asshole. According to CNN's Phil Mattingly, Rand Paul wants to name the whistleblower in his question and the Chief Justice won't read it.

OH, BACK NOW.

7:27 McSally, Hawley, and Hogan just asked if it is UNLEGAL for Adam Schiff to do a treason paraphrase by likening Trump's conduct to bribery. Philbin says LOCK HIM UP.

7:30 Philbin says if this were a real court -- which is is not -- it would have resulted in a mistrial. Milhouse van Houtten is so pissed off he might rip off that hideous yellow tie and START SOME SHIT.

7:32 Democrats are like, y'all really gonna talk smack about Hunter Biden with Jared and Ivanka in the White House? Val Demings winding up to drop the hammer.

"In my former line of work we used to call it smoke and mirrors ... The reason why we're here has NOTHING to do with anybody's children."

Reading that one as a none-too-subtle threat to start bringing everyone's children in if they want to get it going.

7:37 Crapo, Risch and a couple other dorks are like, Yo, Regis Philbin, please tell us some lies about how critical it is to the United States' national interest, to investigate Burisma and Hunter Biden. Philbin is like, LIE TIME. Only he's kind of bad at it, so all he's saying is, PEOPLE SAID IT LOOKED BAD. Which is ... not the same as corruption. It's a dastardly APPEARANCE OF A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. Which is ... not a crime. Philbin is bad at shit.

7:42 Dick Durbin invites the House managers to kick Philbin in the nards. I think they're armwrestling for the privilege.

7:43 Sylvia Garcia wins! She says FUCK OFF, Biden was carrying out official US policy (and that of the EU and IMF) when he got Shokin fired. There was absolutely nothing corrupt about it. Which is why Donald Trump never brought it up for two years until Biden was about to declare. And, oh BTW, sending Rudy to lean on Zelenskyy is NOT how this shit goes.

Do not come for Miss Sylvia unless she calls you, PHILBIN.

7:47 Senators Scott, Crapo, and Graham want to know "what agency within the government led to the debunking" of the Biden smear. When did you stop beating your wife, sir?

Cripes, it's that screaming loon. Herschmann is shouting quotes from Biden telling Ukraine that corruption is bad. Citing zero evidence, he demands an investigation to prove Biden's innocence.

GRRRR WHY WON'T HUNTER BIDEN OPEN HIS KIMONO!

7:53 Democrats want to know when Trump's defense team learned about Bolton's manuscript? Because there may have been some lack of candor by officers of the court about the dearth of firsthand witnesses. AHEM. And also, too, which members of the White House legal team is pretending that the entire book is classified in that blatant attempt to choke it off.

Philbin says WE AIN'T KNOW NOTHIN.

For the record, it's probably John Eisenberg.

7:58 GOP wants Sekulow to bitch about the impeachment hearing taking so long. Sekulow, is happy to oblige. And threaten to subpoena Adam Schiff, Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, whistleblower, blahblahblah.

"We'll be here months," shouts Sek. He's spazzing out, but he's no Herschmann.

Which, okay by us.

8:00 Democrats: If Trump was so concerned about Ukrainian corruption, why did he sent them $1.5 billion in aid during the first two years of his presidency?

Jason Crow: THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK! It's 'cuz he's absolutely full of shit. More full of shit than a herd of constipated elephants. It's so grody!

8:04: Oh hey, it is Evan again! We think we just heard Jason Crow singing "He never mentions the word corruption in certain company" like a common Black Crowes song, because that is how Trump doesn't mention corruption, like ever, when he talks to Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

Anyway, Ron Johnson has a question, and it is WHY IS MY OWN PERSONAL ASS ALL EAT UP IN THIS SCANDAL?

Just kidding, he wants to ask Trump's lawyers if they are certain it will take 100 years to litigate John Bolton's testimony. He should have asked somebody who wouldn't lie to him, like Adam Schiff. Trump lawyer bitches and moans that the Democrats want more "evidence," like that is even a thing in "trial."

8:08: Oops, we missed the question, we think it was "say why that last Trump lawyer answer was bullcrap," but Adam Schiff is saying Republicans are being whiners and promising they will make this last forever and do dumb shit like call Adam Schiff as a witness and call Joe Biden, well guess what says Schiff, he'd sure like to call JAY SEKULOW as a witness and ask about his contacts with the indicted Lev Parnas, maybe he'd like to put Donald Trump under oath.

But Schiff doesn't feel the need to go to crazytown, says John Roberts is perfectly capable of adjudicating important matters, because that is where we are, the DEMOCRATS are defending John Roberts's ability to be an impartial judge, and the REPUBLICANS ... well, they know he'll be an impartial judge, and that's why they don't want him adjudicating important matters.

Schiff also says he doesn't like John Bolton, but he likes him a little more than he used to. Maybe we should call him as a witness!

Anyway, question from the non-John Kennedy flaming idiot senator from Louisiana, Bill Cassidy, who is still an idiot.

8:15: Q: Jerry Nadler said partisan impeachments are bad 20 years ago. If this impeachment is partisan, does it even exist?

TRUMP IDIOT: This impeachment is not even our real dad!

8:19: Bernie Sanders with a question about how none of this would have happened if we had Medicare For All, JUST FOOLING, it is about how since Trump lies constantly, is it just kinda funny or is it hilarious that we are supposed to believe Trump when he says NO QUID PRO QUO?

Adam Schiff accepts the opportunity to talk about what a damned liar Trump is.

8:22: SCHIFF: Ever wonder why Trump has such a pissant conniption every time somebody tells the truth about him? Because he thinks he literally is the state and that he is a king. Are ALL these people, like John Bolton and John Kelly BIASSSSSSSS against Donald Trump?

Or does it say something about Trump The Liar that John Kelly believes Bolton, not Trump The Liar?

HUH WHAT A MYSTERY!

8:24: SCHIFF: Know who is not known for lying about the Ukraine scandal? John Bolton! Let's have him over for a nice dinner.

8:26: Cory Gardner: Why am I such a weak sauce who is going to lose my Senate race anyway, what a loser I am!

Just kidding. Some bullshit about the House "abusing" its impeachment power, by using its constitutional impeachment power. Fuck off.

8:28: Trump monotone annoying nerdface saying "impeachment" is not even a really big power and executive privilege is more bigger than impeachment, and we dunno why he's talking about that since Trump has never invoked executive privilege.

8:29: Trump monotone annoying nerdface says "absolute immunity" is part of -- get this -- "checks and balances," because if you go letting Congress check and balance Trump, then he might not even be above the law anymore!

Or something. Fuck off.

8:30: Elizabeth Warren has a plan to ask a question right now.

It is a question for both sides. If Zelenskyy called Trump and offered HIM Biden dirt in exchange for aid, that would clearly be bribery, so why is it not bribery when the situation is exactly reversed?

Jerry Nadler is like yep, you said it! Good question! Fuck.

MSNBC mercifully spares us the Trump team's godawful answer by going to commercial, and we are not watching the stream because our computer is being fucky about "stream."

8:36: Some Republican, Moran we think, and maybe another one, wants to know if it's true that John Roberts can adjudicate important things about witnesses and documents.

Trump's lawyer nerd is like NOOOOOOOOOOO!11!!!!!

Moran thinking about voting for witnesses? And also his friend?

8:40: Basically Trump's lawyer says yeah Roberts can do some stuff, but they promise to be as big a pain in the ass as they possibly can.

Senator Smith of Minnesota is just asking why if Trump's call was so perfect, he doesn't trust anybody he knows to come as a witness and tell the Senate how perfect his call was. Adam Schiff like AYUP.

8:43: Schiff says the Trump lawyers will definitely be a pain in the ass about John Roberts's rulings, because they know he will be fair (big problem for them!), but promises Democrats won't, because hello, they're not the ones with the weakass case.

Ben Sasse and Marco Rubio and Tim Scott have some bullshit question for the Trump lawyers about how this impeachment is bad because it does not follow the "golden rule of impeachment," which we guess is "If at first you don't impeach, try and try again!"

Oh yes, the golden rule is that criminal-protecting Republicans must agree with the impeachment and make it #bipartisan.

8:47: Also the Trump idiot whines that #RIGGED! and NO DUE PROCESSES! and they wouldn't even let Trump call Joe Biden as a witness to Trump's crimes against Joe Biden ;(

In conclusion, "Dershowitz."

8:49: Dick Durbin wants to know, if Trump actually DID invoke executive privilege, wouldn't he have to specifically point out the crime documents he's trying to cover up, and isn't that the real reason he hasn't done this?

Jerry Nadler says LOL, and is now making fun of Trump's bullshit claims of "absolute immunity," which does not exist.

8:55: In conclusion, if Trump had ANY exoneration to offer, in the form of witnesses or documents, he'd give it. He doesn't have it, because he's fuckin' guilty.

Anyway, some question for a Trump idiot lawyer, something about the OMB hold, we dunno, MSNBC keeps doing commercials.

8:57: One of the Nevada senators, Cortez Masto, has questions about Trump's whining about how he didn't get due process, and why that is some unmitigated bullshit. Val Demings will explain why that is unmitigated bullshit. "The president is not the victim here." Trump was invited to EVERY party the Judiciary Committee threw. These dumbass idiots over here could have come and cross-examined witnesses and presented their good evidence if they had any good evidence.

They're whining about the depositions, which of course were closed door, because they're fucking depositions!

LOL, Demings is pissed.

9:01: Murk with another question, this time for the House managers. In October, Pat Cipollone whined that all the subpoenas were fake and Congress wasn't Trump's real dad. Why didn't the House go back and fix all the very real problems noted good lawyer Pat Cipollone was whining like a little baby about?

SYLVIA GARCIA: Because it was fucking bullshit, that's why.

9:08: Sheldon Whitehouse has a question about why the Trump lawyers refused to answer a question from Collins and Murk about whether Trump ever talked about being upset about Biden's so-called "corruption" or something before Biden ran for president. Trump idiot nerd lawyer chooses to continue not answering the question.

Trump nerd idiot Philbin also says NUH UH, the House does not set its own rules of impeachment, TRUMP NERD IDIOTS make them up right now as they go along, because isn't the Constitution after all just a sexy shirtless Jon McNaughton painting of Donald Trump?

9:13: The senator from Gilead and also Missouri, Josh Hawley, has a question. It is a lie-telling of the story of Viktor Shokin, the corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor general Biden got fired at the behest of LITERALLY THE WHOLE WESTERN WORLD. Shokin said he was going to investigate Burisma, but somehow just forgot to do that. So in reality, firing Shokin made it more likely the Burisma investigation would come back to life.

Trump's lawyer is giving a bullshit answer, and afterward the House managers will tell the truth. And it is Val Demings!

9:16: DEMINGS: Shokin was so goddamned corrupt the "entire free world" wanted him out. And again, firing Shokin made it MORE LIKELY Burisma would be investigated. Burisma was NOT BEING INVESTIGATED when Biden got him fired, because Shokin was FUCKING CORRUPT. Why do you all insist on living in this dipshit alternative reality? Oh yeah, because you've gone full fascist.

9:18: Angus King: Um, so Rudy G. totally confessed that he was just doing political errands for Trump in Ukraine, so doesn't the fact that he brought up Rudy G. on the perfect call with Zelenskyy kinda prove what that perfect call was really about?

Jerry Nadler: HEY-O!

9:25: Marco Rubio and others: Would the framers cry about impeaching Trump if they knew all he did was commit crimes, but the Republicans were OK with that?

Fuck off.

9:28: Oh for fucks sake, they're letting Alan Dershowitz shake his old balls around on this question, because they couldn't get an actual constitutional lawyer to weigh in on their side.

9:30: You guys, we think Dersh just definitively proved that if Trump tried to steal an election while he wasn't even up for re-election, then he wouldn't actually be trying to steal an election?

It's almost like Trump was impeached for LITERALLY TRYING TO STEAL AN(OTHER) ELECTION, DERSH.

Holyshitwhoaiftrue!

Anyway, question from Klobs, we missed it because Dersh pissed us off by being the stupidest person in that entire room.

9:34: SCHIFF: Did you hear Dersh just say an illegitimate investigation of Biden becomes legitimate if Biden is running for president? Fuuuuuuuuuck, what happened to that guy's brain? Is he wearing his panties on his head and they are cutting off the circulation to his brain?

9:40: Blah blah, some shit from Josh Hawley about the differences between impeachments of judges and presidents, which gave Dersh another opportunity to slither up and down his stripper pole and say you can't impeach presidents for abuse of power LOL.

Chris Coons like hey remember that time Trump told George Papadopoulos that foreign interference is awesome and he might not even tell the FBI if he got some? Wonkette's headline at the time was Hello, FBI? We'd Like To Report A Crime In Progress. Had no idea how literally true that was.

Anyway, Trump's dipshit nerd is arguing that foreign interference of the kind Trump likes is not actually foreign interference, LOL OK.

9:44: And now they take a break! And Mitch McConnell says after that, they're going to wrap up? (Finally.)

10:08: BACK! And the new wingnut from Georgia, along with Marsha Blackburn, has a question, and it is ADAM SCHIFTY SCHIFF COLLUDED WITH WHISTLEBLOWERRRRRR!11!!@!!

Trump's fuckface lawyer agrees that Adam Schiff COLLUDED WTIH WHISTLEBLWEORRRORRrR!

Betcha Schiff goes apeshit here in just a sec.

10:13: Gary Peters of Michigan LOL: Is corrupt abuse of power bad even if preznit is way too fucking stupid to complete his crimes?

10:19: Zoe Lofgren says clearly it is still bad, because this asshole is a repeat offender, and can you BELIEVE Trump's moron just said accepting foreign interference is totally OK? Holyshitomg.

Some dumb question from dumb Republicans about "Trump's constitutional authorities" meaning he cannot by definition obstruct Congress. Fuck off.

10:24: Question from Dick Blumenthal, Kamala Harris and others: No seriously, Trump's dipshit really just said accepting foreign interference is fine. Isn't it actually a fucking crime?

SCHIFF: Omifuckinggod.

Schiff is just great. Saying these assholes call this "policy," because Trump's only "policy" is "commit crimes and steal elections." Jesus, it is still amazing that this is where we are as a country.

Question from Susan Collins about why did Adam Schiff hurt her feelings right now, probably.

10:36: Collins wanted to know if Trump committed all these crimes, why aren't they articles of impeachment. Hakeem Jeffries said basically all lumped in under "abuse of power," which DOES EXIST, ALAN, and then listed all Trump's many election-stealing crimes.

Question from Gillibrand and others on how the Ukraine aid hold differs from legal holds that are not crimes to help presidents steal elections.

10:41: Jason Crow gives a long and elegant answer, and one thing he points out is that most aid holds aren't some big ass secret you have to hide from literally fucking everybody.

Some question from Roy Blunt and some other idiots, including Senator McSally, whom he accidentally calls MCCASKILL LOL OOPS.

This gives Dersh a chance to jerk off some more, this is so goddamned embarrassing.

10:47: LOL Dersh says even if you support impeachment, you should not vote for it if you don't think 2/3 of the Senate will vote for it because you are violating the "spirit" of impeachment LOLOLOL THIS FUCKING DUMBASS, CAN WE GO TO BED YET?

Question from Chris Murphy of Connecticut. Mitch McConnell says FOUR MORE QUESTIONS tonight, including the one from Murph.

Murph would like to ask Trump's lawyers why they are so chickenshit about letting John Robert adjudicate important decisions on witnesses and documents.

The answer is that they are chickenshit and they have a guilty client.

Wonkette has a question for Trump's dipshits and it is BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK!

Roger Wicker would like Dersh to dance some more, because Roger Wicker likes that. He wants Dersh to say why impeaching Trump is literally the end of the republic or something. Thank god, MSNBC just took a break.

10:55: Dersh says you should only impeach for REALLY BAD stuff like Watergate. Reminder: Nixon was illegally going after his opponents abusing his power using domestic means. Trump did it with a foreign nation desperate for aid and support in its war with Russia.

In other words, Trump's crimes are WORSE.

11:00: It sure is a good thing Trump's lawyers aren't under oath, because woo boy, that answer about the REAL reason Trump did the aid hold. WOO BOY.

Now some fucking bullshit about SHOW US THE EVIDENCE from some idiot Republicans.

11:06: Day ends with some queening out from Jay Sekulow, we do this all again tomorrow, GIVE US MONEY SEACREST OUT.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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