Oh Hey, Brett Kavanaugh Was All Up In Hillary Clinton's Vagina

Back in the 1990s, when I was young and jamming to The Spice Girls, Republicans were obsessed with proving that Bill and Hillary Clinton were DC's Anti-Christ power couple. Bill Clinton wasn't really the first black president but the right wing prepared for Barack Obama by treating Bill like 3/5ths of a commander in chief. Common respect for the office was rarely afforded to him, and vice presidents have been handled more gently by the opposing party than Hillary was as first lady. Everyone remembers all this climaxing in the impeachment of a sitting president for a kneeling sex act, which was consensual unlike the 10 or so charges against the current White House squatter. However, there are mostly only dim recollections of the kaleidoscope of accusations and innuendo flung at the Clintons prior to anyone knowing the name Monica Lewinsky. Worse, supposedly "very serious" people took this all very seriously.

Vince Foster, Bill Clinton's childhood friend and deputy White House counsel, succumbed to his lifelong struggle with clinical depression in 1993. The right wing repulsively exploited his death (some continue to do so) in a craven attempt to "take down" the Clintons. People, presumably after smoking meth with Elvis and Bigfoot, claimed with all the evidence they could pull from their asses that Foster was murdered. Oh, and Hillary probably did it. Maybe to cover up that she was cheating on Bill with Foster when she wasn't also being a lesbian (she could've done both, I guess -- no "bi-erasure" here). Some loon as recently as 2016 insisted that Foster's death was "very fishy. He knew everything that was going on, and then all of a sudden he committed suicide."

Enter ... Trump Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh, a young member of Ken Starr's speculum team, was tasked with speaking with reporters (off-the-record, what you might call "a leak"). Democrats in the Senate called for the release of an inspector general report into the special counsel's leaks; released yesterday, it mostly cleared Starr of any leaking wrongdoing. Kavanaugh wasn't mentioned in the report at all. But though the report might not refer to Kavanaugh, he was still knee-deep in all of this as one of Starr's aides-de-camp. Whether they "crossed a line" in regard to leaks is immaterial compared to how the investigation itself crossed every line possible. Buried in the Washington Post article about the report is the revelation that Kavanaugh supported delving deeper into the ridiculous rumors surrounding Foster and Hillary Clinton -- as well as spreading those rumors his own self.

[T]wo grand juries had convened to investigate the Whitewater controversy, including issues related to Foster's death. Hillary Clinton testified before one of them in January 1996.

In a 1995 memo, Kavanaugh referenced the allegations.

"I note that we have asked numerous people about Foster's alleged affair with Mrs. Clinton, but have received no confirmation of it," Kavanaugh wrote to Starr and other lawyers. "If we want to pursue this line of investigation further, however, we should ask Mrs. Clinton about the alleged affair at her next interview."

The journalist in me appreciates Kavanaugh's interest in going directly to the primary source, but it's important to not lose sight of how appalling and offensive it was to have even briefly considered sitting down with the current first lady and asking her about a rumored affair she'd had and whether aliens abducted them afterward while they were enjoying the afterglow with a cigarette. Imagine if the Iran-Contra investigation somehow wound up with an asshole lawyer suggesting interrogating Nancy Reagan over how often Frank Sinatra nailed her in the White House as she climaxed to "Strangers in the Night."

Donald Trump is more a "concrete" than "abstract" thinker, and by that, I mean his brain was at some point surgically removed and encased in concrete. It probably would impress him that Kavanaugh suggested putting the screws further to Hillary and asking her deeply personal questions with only the most tenuous legal basis. Trump can only see Kavanaugh as a former persecutor of the Clintons. He can't connect Kavanaugh's work with Starr to the "rigged witch hunt" he decries on what seems like an hourly basis. I doubt Melania Trump will ever be asked embarrassing and painful questions about Stormy Daniels, but that's because Robert Mueller is not a walking bag of slime or, more to the point, Ken Starr.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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