Donald Trump and his slobbering Republican manservants in Congress are losing their shit trying to show the American people just how much #Obamagate there really was, what a Witch Hunt, what a DEEP STATE!111!! Oh my God they have been leaving snail trails all over the streets of Washington DC.

At the center of Obamagate -- as best as anyone can tell, and to be honest, our explanation is more lucid than anything that will ever slither out of the president's thin lips -- is that during the transition, the Obama administration sought to undermine the incoming president and fuck with the peaceful transition of power, chiefly by FRAMING Michael Flynn and tricking him into lying to the FBI about his improper secret conversations with the Russian government about sanctions relief. In reality, the Obama administration was faced with an unprecedented situation, namely the very real possibility -- as yet still not disproven! -- that the incoming administration and maybe the president himself were severely compromised (or worse) by Russia.

On Tuesday, the Trump administration declassified a section of an email former national security advisor Susan Rice sent herself on Inauguration Day, 2017, her last official act, to memorialize what was really going on with Flynn, so that there would be a paper trail. And kids, this declassified section was supposed to be their SMOKIN' GUN! That proves! that Obamagate! Was a thing! That happened!

Spoiler alert: It is, um, not that.


It's an email Lindsey Graham and Chuck Grassley have been just losing it over, for ages. It recounts an Oval Office meeting on January 5, 2017, and here are some of the parts we already knew about, as breathlessly transcribed by Fox News in 2018:

"President Obama began the conversation by stressing his continued commitment to ensuring that every aspect of this issue is handled by the Intelligence and law enforcement communities 'by the book,'" Rice wrote. "The president stressed that he is not asking about, initiating or instructing anything from a law enforcement perspective. He reiterated that our law enforcement team needs to proceed as it normally would by the book."

Rice also wrote that Obama said "he wants to be sure that, as we engage with the incoming team, we are mindful to ascertain if there is any reason that we cannot share information fully as it relates to Russia."

She added: "The President asked Comey to inform him if anything changes in the next few weeks that should affect how we share classified information with the incoming team. Comey said he would."

OBAMAGATE! SMOKIN' GUN! Oh wait, that's not the Obamagate smokin' gun. The smokin' gun is the part Trump's fucking dipshit acting director of national intelligence Ric Grenell declassified yesterday. The part that was SEEKRIT before yesterday. The part that shows the OBAMAGATE!

Are you ready for it? No you cannot possibly handle it. Are you ready yet? Are you ready yet? No, you will never be able to OH FUCK HERE IT IS!



[Comey] added that he has no indication thus far that Flynn has passed classified information to [former Russian ambassador Sergey] Kislyak, but he noted that 'the level of communication is unusual.'

The President asked Comey to inform him if anything changes in the next few weeks that should affect how we share classified information with the incoming team. Comey said he would.

OBAMAGATE!

Or wait ... what? That's it?

OK, so the redacted section of this email that was supposed to be so incriminating was James Comey telling President Obama that he didn't think Michael Flynn had given the Russian ambassador classified intel, but that their "level of communication" was fuckin' weird. And Obama said to please tell him if anything happens that might make them reassess how much classified intel to give Flynn, you know, like maybe if they found out Flynn was leaking state secrets directly to the Russian government. Remember that Flynn had been tapped to serve as Trump's national security advisor, so this was kind of a big fuckin' deal.

#ESCANDALO!

So ... that's it. The sum total of OBAMAGATE! is that Barack Obama wanted all of this handled "by the book"; he wasn't directing any of it personally; but he did want to know if they found Michael Flynn -- a literal actual foreign agent -- giving state secrets to the Russian government. Oh yeah, and as the cherry on top of his fiendish plan, Obama had told Trump personally that he really shouldn't hire Michael Flynn -- like right after the election -- because that guy was a fuckin' problem. But therein lay the evil genius of OBAMAGATE! You see, because Obama knew Trump was so irrationally and small-dicked-ly resentful of the black president with the prettier face beloved by billions worldwide that he would obviously hire Flynn anyway, thus setting the stage for Obama to ... OBAMAGATE!

Yep.

(By the way, we want you to know that this declassification was personally requested by Ron Johnson AKA the Senate's Dumbest Republican.)

This is the stupidest fucking thing we have ever heard.

It is not the stupidest fucking thing one of the world's stupidest fucking senators Marsha Blackburn has ever heard, though.

Susan Rice's email WOULD say that, says Inspector Gadget! THAT'S HOW THEY GITCHA!

It is not the stupidest fucking the world's stupidest fucking House minority leader Kevin McCarthy has ever heard:

LOL okey doke, Kevin. "Spying." Because it's supposed to be some sort of "scandal" that the American government was intercepting the Russian ambassador's phone calls. In other words, in Kevin McCarthy's tiny squirrel brain, spying on the Russian government is tantamount to spying on the Trump administration. And, well, if that's the argument they're really wanting to make, then ...

OH HEY KEVIN, what was that thing you said about how you think Putin pays Trump? You said it like six months before this meeting about "spying." We can't remember the exact quote. Something like "I think there are two people Putin pays -- Rohrabacher and Trump." And then you said you were dead serious. Oh well anyway!

Ted Cruz is pretending to be so stupid he doesn't see this email as the complete self-own it is:

Poor thing, sounds like he needs to go jerk off into an empty soup can or something.

The Federalist reported on the OBAMAGATE! email by leaving out all the parts that debunked the OBAMAGATE! conspiracy theory. This is expected behavior from The Federalist, because nobody even knows who funds The Federalist. Maybe there are THREE people Putin pays? Somebody should check on that, eh, Kevin McCarthy?

In response to the declassification of this email, former NSA Rice has released a statement that amounts to "Yeah that's my email, it's a fuckin' good one too." She adds that they really should declassify the transcripts of Michael Flynn's phone Snapchats with the Russian government, so that everybody can READ TEH tRANSCRIPT!

Surely the Trump administration isn't trying to hide anything in there, right? You know, like maybe Donald Trump personally giving the order to Flynn to tell Moscow to cool its jets, because President Russian Asset would fix that whole sanctions situation as soon as he had officially been sworn into the presidency Moscow helped him "win"?

Or maybe something like this?

Guess there's only one way to find out.

RELEASE THE MEMO! READ TEH TRANSCRIPT!11!1 OBAMAGATE!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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