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If you're familiar with Brad Parscale, who's been doing numbers for the Trump campaign for quite a while -- and gets to manage the whole campaign in 2020! -- your first thought about him is probably, "That guy needs a bath." Wonkette doesn't know if he actually needs a bath, or if he's just one of those people who can take 50 showers a day and still look like a freshly used toilet brush.

But this isn't a hygiene post, it's a math post! We're just reminding you who the dude is.

Now, far be it from your humble Wonkette to say definitively that Parscale is bad at numbers. This is a man whose data operation led Donald Trump to a historic minus three million vote win in the popular vote, and a weak-ass squeaker of a win in the Electoral College, and he didn't need anything besides his own expertise and a multi-national espionage operation led by Russia to do it.

Parscale is doing some ANALYTICALS on new internal polling from the RNC, and he's got a dire prediction for the poor Democrats:

Well SHITDARNIT! We were really hoping we wouldn't to have to do WALL, but now Calculator McNeckPubes up here says we have to do WALL, if all these new freshman Democrats are going to keep their seats!


Except ... well first of all, we seem to remember that the Dems swept the House, with the greatest gains since Watergate, mere months ago, and that it happened in response to a loathed president whose entire midterm campaign strategy was WALL! He used the troops as fucking political props and made them camp out by the border, in order to stop the marauding hordes of NOBODY from invading America. And yet all those Dems won.

But also, in a follow-up tweet, Parscale showed us the poll he's looking at. It does not say what he says it says. But it is hilarious! (Also, it was conducted by Public Opinion Strategies, or POS, so we're just leaving that there, with Brad.)

The poll was conducted on behalf of the RNC, and let us tell you a couple things about it. First of all, they talked to 800 VOTERS across 10 CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS. And yes, they are all districts held by Democrats, and which were won by Trump in 2016. Did we mention that it's a push poll? It's a push poll.

It lists a series of bullshit statements about how WALL will stop drugs and human trafficking and all sorts of other PUSH POLL-style rigarmarole. And according to the data, those statements moved people in these districts ... a little bit.

So before hearing the bullshit, 27 percent of people in these districts were balls out for WALL. After hearing the bullshit, they got that number up to 33 percent. Whoa hey, guys, don't get too popular on us! Meanwhile, support for Nancy Pelosi continuing to tell Trump to eat dicks dropped by a small handful of points, again after hearing the bullshit. Meanwhile, the largest group in these districts is saying "Oh just figure something out, we are tired of hearing about it."

The poll finds that in these districts, Trump's approval rating is a HUGE 49 percent, compared to a tiny measly 48 percent who hate his ass. It also says 61 percent "support the president's position on border security." Um? Where's that? Because that number is quite different from the 27 percent above demanding that their Democratic congressperson support WALL. It suggests that the rest of the people in that 61 percent -- MORE THAN HALF OF THEM, BRAD -- don't really care all that fucking much, aren't going to die on this hill, and count themselves among the number that just wants Congress and Trump to STFU and govern.

Hell, if we were being intellectually dishonest (or alternately, dumb and stinky) like Brad Parscale, we could flip the numbers a different way, and note that if you combine the "let's just compromise" group with the RIDE OR DIE, NANCY PELOSI group (T-shirts and tote bags available that say exactly those words!), you get approximately the same result. Numbers is fun, Brad! You should try them sometime!

But wait! Does "support the president's position on border security" actually mean WALL? Or HELL NO? Just a few lines down, it says, "By a 53%-43% margin, voters in these DEM-held congressional districts support 'building a border wall or barrier to improve security between the US and Mexico.'" So apparently it's only 53 percent who want WALL, and it remains that only 27 percent are demanding their congressperson give Trump all the WALL he wants.

Our point is that even the RNC's internals show hilariously nonexistent "support" for the wall among these 800 voters in 10 districts, and that support mostly seems to be the RNC saying that people support it while the numbers do not actually say that people support it. Did we mention it's a push poll?

It's also possible that congressional Democrats are reading more than internal RNC push polls (imagine that), like this new CBS poll what says fully 66 percent of Americans are against Trump declaring a NATIONAL EMERGY to get his precious vanity wall; or this Quinnipiac poll showing 55 percent opposed to building the goddamned thing in the first place. (Slate compiled other recent polls, and they range between 52 percent and 58 percent, overall, who are opposed to the wall.)

Maybe they read the very important Wonkette post from January entitled "Majority Of Americans Supports Trump Building Wall UP HIS ASS," which details just how badly Trump is losing on this issue.

But, you know, we are not a numbers guru data dork poopbeard like Brad Parscale, so what do we know?

TAKE A BATH, BRAD.

Also this is now your OPEN THREAD!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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