It's Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let's Drink Mimosas And Judge People
Hola, Wonkers, we hope that your Sunday is treating you well. Pull up a chair, for we must now gossip about all the hilarious and CONTROVERSIAL stories that you clicked on the most this week! We thought you would all be super-excited about Marco Rubio running for president, but none of those stories made the top 10, :(. Guess Rubio will never be president now. Also never being President? Hillary Clinton, because none of her stories made the top 10 either! It's all yours, Rand Paul!
But first, since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy, or sad, or even OUTRAGED, you should go ahead and drop $5 in Wonkette's collection plate, so that we can continue to do the words-writing that you so desperately crave. Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready!
All righty, now that's out of the way and you have given us cash, here are your top 10 MUST CLICK stories of the week:
1. Bristol Palin is living in sin, for the third time, or maybe for the eighteenth time, for Abstinence. Yes, she is an Ambassador For Abstinence, and she has made many dollars off this! Grifts just as good as her mama, that Bristol.
2. Did you hear that Republicans told pollsters, out loud, with their mouths, that they are more loyal to Israel than they are to the United States? Seriously, WTF.
3. A Walmart pharmacist decided that, due to her Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs, she just really didn't want to give a lady who had just miscarried the drugs that she needed. The drugs her doctor said she needed. Why? Because abortion, of course.
4. Michele Bachmann is still talking, hurray! She says that God is punishing us for having Barack Obama as president, just like it was foretold in the Bible.
5. This past weekend's NRA convention was a jizz-soaked festival of guns, fear, Hillary-hate, and also more jizz.
6. Retiring Senator Harry Reid is just cold talking shit about everybody now, because he does not give a flying fuck. It's a pity he can't bring himself to say what he REALLY thinks.
7. Gwyneth Paltrow tried the SNAP challenge and failed, like all people do, which kind of highlights how difficult it is for people to survive on the paltry sum poor people have to try to live on. We had thoughts about this, and apparently they were controversial!
8. Florida turns down Obamacare money, only to sue for more Obamacare money. Why? Gov. Rick Scott is an asshole, that's why.
9. This sweet adorable credit card CEO doesn't want his employees to starve for some reason, so he's going to pay all of them a minimum of $70,000 per year now! He will be kicked out of capitalism immediately.
10. Here are some Idaho Republicans who are PRETTY SURE a child support bill is going to lead directly to Sharia law being imposed. Yep, they are totally sane.
Those were some good stories you picked, readers! By the way, would you like to receive a secret love note from Wonkette (almost) every day? Then you should sign up for yr Wonkette daily newsletter! It has seekrit jokes in it, that the commoners don't get to read!
And if you haven’t put Elizabeth Warren on your tits or your morning coffee yet, then stop by Ye Olde Wonkette Online Yard Sale, where you will find t-shirts and coffee cups and stuff and things!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed the collection plate when it came down your pew, don’t worry, you can still give one of the friendly ushers $5 on your way out the door. Or you can give him more. We are not opposed to that!
Okay, now go enjoy the rest of your Sunday, with whatever "hobbies" you people get into. They are probably NSFW, we are guessing.