It's Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let's Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites!
But first, since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy (or if they make you want to throw all your precious TruckNutz at the wall in rage) you should go ahead and drop $5 in the collection plate, so that we can continue writing all the funny blog time internet posts. Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready!
We'll wait while you take care of that.
Okay, now that you have given us dollars, here are your ten very favoritest stories of the week, as determined by Science. If you've already read them, read them again, as your reading comprehension is very poor!
1. Your President Kenyan Muslim Barack Obama decided to spend Earth Day trolling all the Florida Republicans by saying "climate change" a whole bunch of times, in the Everglades. Doesn't he know you're not supposed to say those words in Florida?
2. We were all amazed to learn that Ted Cruz has always been a big annoying asshole, even in college!
3. According to the Heritage Foundation, gay marriage is going to make all the old spinster ladies abortion their babies. It's just simple math, and science, also, too.
4. Some wingnut columnist says Neil DeGrasse Tyson is a very bad scientist, who probably should be killed. That's a totally normal thing to write, in a column.
5. The Koch Brothers had to explain to that dumb New Pope just how much the Lord loves pollution. It's in the Bible.
6. These asshole kids in Pennsylvania decided that they needed to deal with the Gay Problem at their high school, so they hung nooses and offered to lynch some gays. This was because of their faith, obviously.
7. Lovable batshit Nevada assemblywoman Michele Fiore does not like it when you make fun of her bill to take all the Nevada land back from the feds, and she will cuss you out if you make fun of her.
8. Best. Sovereign Citizen. EVER.
9. That Fox News "Democrat" Kirsten Powers just wishes Obama would stop drowning all the Christians.
10. Rand Paul's jerk son just can't seem to stop getting arrested for drunken hijinks, before noon, even!
Hurray for your favorites! There are also Honorable Mentions, like this thing about Allen West stopping football injuries by saying little prayers. Read that too! Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette!
Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
And if you haven’t put Elizabeth Warren on your tits or your morning coffee yet, GO DO THAT in the Wonkette online swag emporium, where you will find t-shirts and coffee cups and stuff and all the other things!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed the collection plate when it came down your pew, don’t worry, you can still give one of the friendly ushers $5 on your way out the door. Or you can give him more. We are not opposed to that!
Now, go enjoy the rest of your Sunday Funday and we will see you very soon, like tomorrow!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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