It's Sunday Funday, Let's All Have Brunch And Gossip About The Week's Top Stories!
Good Sunday afternoon, Wonkers! What are you all doing? We are writing this post! Let's sit together and drink adult beverages while we gossip about all the nice things we wrote this week. Was it all about Rand Paul? MOSTLY!
But first, since your Wonkette loves you, and you love your Wonkette, if these stories make you happy (or if they make you feel antsy or uncomfortable, whatever) you should go ahead and drop $5 in the collection plate, so that we can continue to report on Rand Paul's fuckups. Starting tomorrow, it's Marco Rubio week! Here comes the plate! Get your $5 bill ready!
Okay, that's out of the way, so without further ado, here are your ten very favoritest stories of the week, as determined by Science. If you've already fapped to them, FAP AGAIN:
1. As you all know, Rand Paul announced his Not Gonna Be President Campaign this week. The very biggest story of the week was his first day, which was a rolling series of fuckup after fuckup after fuckup. He sure came out the gate ready to give yr Wonkette hilarious things to write about. Thanks, Rand Paul!
2. Your second biggest story of the week, for real, was that thing about Obama shooting gay rainbows out of his hands, in Jamaica. Now we know how easily satisfied you Wonkers are.
3. Every other one of these is going to be about Rand Paul. Go relive his second official day of fucking up as a presidential contender!
4. That gross disgusting "family values" lunatic Todd Kincannon got arrested, just for showing his wife who's boss.
5. Rand Paul, the poor thing, had to take a break from fucking up to teach that lady reporter Savannah Guthrie the proper way to speak to him.
6. But then everything was okay, because he got to fuck up some more, on his third official day!
7. Thursday was Appomattox Day, the 150th anniversary of Robert E. Lee's surrender. Did the South lose the Civil War? Yes they did! Get over it!
8. Is Mindy Kaling's dick brother a dick? Yes, science says it is so.
9. That terrible Obama just HAD to go and stomp all over Jesus and religious freedom, at an Easter prayer breakfast!
10. It was so cool how those patriots from Washington State united together to remove the communist Chinese flag from the state capitol building, where it was flying, communistly! At least that's what wingnuts said had happened. That is not what happened, like, at all.
And if you haven’t put Elizabeth Warren on your tits or your morning coffee yet, GO DO THAT in the Wonkette online swag emporium, where you will find t-shirts and coffee cups and stuff and all the other things!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed the collection plate when it came down your pew, don’t worry, you can still give one of the friendly ushers $5 on your way out the door. Or you can give him more. We are not opposed to that!
Now, go enjoy the rest of your Sunday Funday and we will see you in the mornin'.