Hello! Has Satan ever kidnapped you at knife-point and then imprisoned you in his favorite fire dungeon, where thousands of sweaty young people "grind" to auto-tuned fart sounds accompanied by predictable bass lines and recycled MTV mashup samples, for the rest of eternity? It doesn't even matter really, since these apocalyptic sex rites are performed every single night at every middle school semi-formal and yuppie "wine bar" in America. But what happens when young people areprohibited from crawling all over each other like horny centipedes at their high school's annual debutante ball? And also: Are thousands of baby birds murdered every time Bristol Palin "grinds" to the latest Lady GaGa .wav file? Scientists say maybe. (Maybe.)

A winter ball at a Vermont high school has been canceled in part because of slow ticket sales caused by a ban on the style of dancing called grinding.

Some students say they didn't want to go to the dance because of the prohibition on grinding, in which partners rub their bodies against each other, with both people usually facing the same direction.

It's shit like this, young people. There are millions of different kinds of dances, many of which are fun and easy to learn. Try downloading a Samba tutorial onto your Kindle or something. Do it tonight! You will experience incredible results! Everybody at the club will point at you and ask, "Why is that person moving his feet in a rhythmic fashion, instead of rubbing his face in that stranger's vagina?"

Stay classy, Young America! (You were drinking one of those "Four Lokos" while you read this article, weren't you?) [AP]