Ivanka Trump To Save All The Small Businesses, By Asking For Chinese Patents On Them Probably

Congratulations, America, you bent the curve! You stayed home with your family and got the infection rate down, at great personal sacrifice. And now your reward is a recovery managed by Ivanka Trump. So, you can look forward to safely coming out of your house ... NEVER.

Axios reports that Vanky will be handling the small business angle of our economic recovery for Coronavirus Task Force Two, Electric Boogaloo. Hooray! Fauci and Birx can go home and rest up, 'cause Steven Mnuchin and Mark Meadows got this thing on lock. Larry Kudlow just needs a couple belts of gin (allegedly), and he can go sell it on the Sunday shows.

Take it from Uncle Larry, everyone who wants a loan can get one. Just like a coronavirus test.

Plus they got their ace in the hole Kevin Hassett, who did such a bangup job selling the government shutdown in January. LOL, remember when he went on television and said how awesome it was for those government workers to get furloughed without a paycheck?

We're in good hands!

You may have missed the announcement of this tire fire of a recovery plan, what with Trump flooding the airways with bullshit at his daily MAGA rally pressers. But on Wednesday he invited reporters in to the Roosevelt Room to listen in on a conference call with officials from Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase, Wells Fargo, Citibank, Visa, Mastercard, Grand Rapids State Bank, and Alabama's Community Spirit Bank. (One of these things is NOT like the others ...)

Trump got the ball rolling, as he usually does, by telling a giant whopper. You know, just to set the mood.

No wonder those lickspittles at the Washington Examiner call her Trump's "jobs czar"! The actual number of jobs created before the pandemic was 6.7 million. But Tsarina Ivanka Trumpovich simply snapped her fingers and ordered that number to double, and it did! It might take two or even three snaps for the former purse designer to dig us out of the 16.8 million jobless claims filed in the past three weeks, but Vanky is willing to make the sacrifice.

"We are all in this fight together, as a country and as a nation. And so we called upon each of you to do more and to assist us in what is a really herculean effort," she said, congratulating the CEOs on their aggregate commitment to $1.5 billion in donations and interest forbearance.

And then she turned to the important business of the day, praising her father, whom she referred to as "Mr. President," just like a real adult working in a job she actually earned on her own merits.

"Anyone who knows you knows the heart you have for America's small businesses — over 30 million amazing innovators and entrepreneurs that employ over 60 million people. So, just absolutely incredible."

Incredible. Absolutely. Take it from the dozens of carpenters, plumbers, painters, waiters, glaziers, real estate brokers, and lawyers who have sued Trump over the years for non-payment — he really has heart for them.

Clearly, we're in good hands. The economy will be up and roaring in no time, and we'll be back to investigating Hunter Biden for his shady nepotism by summer.

[Axios / CNN / WashEx]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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