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Sad news, everybody! And it's about the Republican convention nobody's going to in Jacksonville, not even 86-year-old Republican senators, who for some reason aren't willing to die of heatstrokes in the Florida sun in August for Donald Trump, if the COVID doesn't get them first. (For SOME reason.)

If you'll remember, it wasn't supposed to be in Jacksonville. It was supposed to be in Charlotte, but then Trump had a babypoopy tantrum because the Democratic governor of North Carolina said they'd have to do social distancing and stuff. And everything was going great with the non-planning for the "Oh Shit, We're In Jacksonville!" convention (which would be a very accurate slogan for that town's tourism bureau), but then the Jacksonville mayor started requiring masks, and masks are stinky. That's where the brilliant "plan" to have the convention outside got hatched. Again, in August. In Florida.

Anyway, the latest LOL comes from the Republican sheriff of Jacksonville, who says actually the way things stand right now, he cannot guarantee security for such an event, because to do that, the RNC would actually have to, you know, plan an event:

The sheriff of Jacksonville, Fla., said he can't provide security for the Republican National Convention because of a lack of clear plans, adequate funding and enough law enforcement officers.

"As we're talking today, we are still not close to having some kind of plan that we can work with that makes me comfortable that we're going to keep that event and the community safe," Duval County Sheriff Mike Williams told POLITICO.

"It's not my event to plan, but I can just tell you that what has been proposed in my opinion is not achievable right now ... from a law enforcement standpoint, from a security standpoint."

In other words, it's not Mike Williams's event, but, um, well, if it were, he would do it better than whatever this dumpster fire is. They can't get the cops they need — and they've asked! — and there's no schedule, and ... there's just not shit.

One thing that's making it difficult, as Williams explained, is that the RNC still hasn't gotten around to deciding where in Jacksonville the fucking convention might be held.

"[T]here's a lot of things that need to happen: an event schedule nailed down, and being able to sign contracts and spend money so that we can prepare for this event. And none of that has happened yet," he said. "So here we are inside of 40 days, and I haven't really pulled the trigger on anything RNC-related when it comes to finances or contracts and so, you know, only related to security, mind you, nothing, nothing related to any of this."

When he says "inside of 40 days," we should clarify that the Republican National Convention is supposed to start in 34 days. And they haven't even figured out which camel to bring from the Jacksonville zoo so Trump can show everybody how smart he is by pointing at it and saying "elephant!"

Another sheriff from nearby Volusia County, Mike Chitwood — who has agreed to help! — shared his opinions with Politico on exactly what kind of shitshow the RNC is trying to pull off here:

Chitwood said Trump's security detail already makes such big demands of local law enforcement that it makes it difficult to supply security for him. [...]

Chitwood said he didn't believe the event should be held and said the RNC is struggling to do the impossible.

"There's a fear of telling him no because anyone who tells the president no, it's like, off with their heads," Chitwood said.

Chitwood [...] said conventions need months of planning "and that's without Covid-19."

"There are going to be tons of issues," he added. "This has something that has never ever happened before. And for some reason common sense is being thrown out the window."

No, not in Trump's America!

RNC spokesidiot Mandi Merritt is like no it's fine, everybody, it's fine. She says the Department of Justice is going to give them millions of American dollars for security, it's fine, OK? It's fine.

"Jacksonville has accommodated upwards of 70,000 people for football games and other events, and we are confident in state, local and federal officials to be able to ensure a safe event for our attendees," she said.

We bet. Because Jacksonville's history of having really great events with bigly numbers of people before the pandemic, events planned well ahead of time, is definitely indicative of Jacksonville's ability to MacGyver some shit together for a whiny-ass president who had a temper tantrum in the middle of a pandemic crisis his incompetence created.

By the way, Florida is reporting 9,440 new confirmed coronavirus cases today, and its test positivity rate for the last week is 19 percent. (!)

On a complete unrelated note, except for actually it's totally related, nobody wants to give that loser Trump their money:

Womp womp.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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