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If you'll remember, the last time Jacob Wohl and his ... roommate? ... Jack Burkman threw a press conference, it was for their fake Robert Mueller sexual assault accuser who was gonna show up, except she decided not to, and then she later admitted it was completely made up.

Today's press conference about Pete Buttigieg's "accuser" (read: not actually accuser) Hunter Kelly went worse. Way worse.

Maybe this tweet from Daily Beast reporter Lachlan Markay tells the whole story:

That'll be enough from you, young man!

Except it wasn't.


Because the young man -- whose debunking of the made-up Pete Buttigieg assault story that Wohl and Burkman flew him to DC to try to convince him to tell ended up becoming the story before the fake story had a chance to become the story -- also released a statement today, which Daily Beast reporter Will Sommer tweeted out:

"I wish I could be there to watch the embarrassment that is going to take place."

And oh, how it seems to have taken place!

Sommer live-tweeted the experience, much as one live-tweets a crazy person repeatedly spitting up their own dick, and well, it just looks like it was glorious:

Good press conference, bro. Wanna come inside and play Mario Kart?

As for Buttigieg "accuser" Hunter Kelly's truly regrettable absence:

But the show must go on!

Except there was a garbage truck.

A loud one.

But it finished collecting the trash! OR DID IT? Because we can clearly see Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman in this pic Sommer tweeted out:

Those were some bad garbagemen.

Anyway, we like the podium at the very top of the stairs, and the video screen on the landing, which Sommer tweeted was used for Wohl to show camera footage of the "accuser," which proves that the "accuser" is legit, because he was drinking a caramel frappuccino. Assuming Sommer got the quote right, Wohl said, "Most forced coercion events ... do not involve caramel frappuccinos." We do not want to know what in Jacob Wohl's life led him to say "most forced coercion events" instead of "all forced coercion events," which leaves Wonkette wondering if there are "some forced coercion events" Wohl is aware of that DO INDEED involve caramel frappuccinos.

Perhaps at the hipster coffee shop.

Anyway, their point, as Sommer reports, was that in Hunter Kelly's telling of the story, after he had awakened at Burkman's house (where we are guessing Wohl lives now too?) to find that Wohl and Burkman had created fake social media accounts in his name where Fake Hunter Kelly was telling Fake Stories about Real Pete Buttigieg, he said he really wanted to get the fuck out of there. BUT NOT BEFORE HE HAD CARAMEL FRAPPUCCINO, YOUR HONOR!

This obviously proves that Hunter Kelly is a big liar who breathes caramel-smelling lies!

And then there was the part where these dipshits threatened to sue the Daily Beast for $100 million dollars, for accurately reporting on Wohl's latest failed attempts to gin up fake sexual assault allegations against a public figure. They said today that the Daily Beast has until "high noon" on Friday to respond! To Jacob Wohl's mom's cell phone.

Anyway, it sounds like Wohl and Burkman really were feeling the success of their latest mission, because Sommer reports they ended their "press conference" with Burkman suggesting that his house -- yes, his house -- was going to be the "center of 2020," because all the Democratic presidential candidates were going to have to go to there and get vetted, so they could receive the "Wohl-Burkman Seal of Approval." And if Kamala and Beto and Bernie and the others don't show up?

DESTRUCTION WILL BE UPONETH THEM!

You know, like happened to Robert Mueller and Pete Buttigieg.

media0.giphy.com

Oh, did we tell you about how there was supposed to be a big protest against this driveway "press conference," but that didn't happen, because actually the event page for the protest was linked to Jacob Wohl's mom's cell phone email address, which sure sounds like it means Jacob Wohl set up a protest against Jacob Wohl in order to beg for attention for Jacob Wohl?

So that happened. Or rather, we should say, it didn't happen.

What have we learned, class? Besides the thing about how Hunter Kelly had a caramel frappuccino?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

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Beds at the 'temporary' shelter in Homestead, Florida. US HHS photo.

The House of Representatives passed a $4.5 billion emergency bill to fund detention of undocumented immigrants and asylum seekers yesterday, but the bill's demands that government meet minimal standards of humane treatment led Donald Trump to threaten a veto, because no one puts cruelty in a corner. The bill passed largely along party lines, 230-195, with four progressive Democratic first-term representatives opposing it because they believed the machinery of the New Cruelty shouldn't get a single dollar more. Trump prefers a bill already passed by the Senate, which would provide a similar level of funding $4.6 billion), but lacks the House bill's crazy radical requirements that migrants be held in less horrifying conditions than have been reported in the last week.

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