Jailbird Congressman Michael Grimm's #METOO: I Was Bad-Touched By The FBI!
This fucking guy again! Not even Haley Joel Osment can see his political career, and yet here he is trying to have a #METOO moment. No, he wasn't sexually harassed. Although there was that one time the former Congressman threatened to throw a reporter off the balcony of the the US Capitol Building, as one does.
No, no, you’re not man enough, you’re not man enough. I’ll break you in half. Like a boy.
Eat your heart out, Greg Gianforte! Some wiseguy reporter asks about that campaign finance shit, and you let him know you're from Staten Island, amirite? BOOM! Spoken like a man who got caught bangin' some chick in the crapper at a Brooklyn wine bar. Allegedly! Classy!
Grimm did eventually plead guilty to felony tax evasion for underpaying the undocumented workers he hired to staff his restaurant called, we shit you not, "Healthlicious." Then he resigned from Congress in 2014 to spend eight months threatening to break other dudes in half in federal prison.
But now he's out, New York! And he wants to share his own #METOO story of victimization with you, because he, too, was badtouched by that man James Comey. If he's guilty of anything, it's of loving America TOO MUCH, which made him a target of those evil supervillains, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama:
— Michael Grimm (@RealMGrimm) January 30, 2018
THE BITCH SET ME UP! He only pleaded guilty because Loretta Lynch and the Secret Society were threatening him with hard time. If you think about it, isn't #HETOO the real victim here, and not those undocumented workers he recruited so he could pay less than minimum wage, in cash, and rip off Uncle Sam for the payroll taxes? Who knows better than this guy why we need THE WALL like President Bighands promised.
Grimm is fully onboard with the MAGA agenda, so naturally he spends a lot of time tweeting hateful shit about undocumented immigrants. Asked about the apparent inconsistency, Grimm responded, "What are YOU lookin' at, girly man?" PROBABLY. Anyway his seat is being held by some RINO who can't even hate brown people good.
Yep, Grimm is a perfect fit for a district where 29 percent of the residents are Hispanic or Asian. Finger on the pulse!
There's only one guy maverick enough to see Michael Grimm, a good kid down on his luck, and recognize him for the political superstar he was destined to be. Unfortunately, that guy was just voted off Loony Island.
Looks like your rabbi has left the building, Michael Grimm. But you go right ahead and tie your re-election bid to the Republican campaign to destroy the FBI. If that's where your crack political instincts lead you, then you can't go wrong!
DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. (Because it isn't one.)
Follow your FDF on the Tweeters!
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.