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Between 2013 and 2014, JPMorgan Chase, a shadowy banking cabal, paid some $14 billion with a b in legal costs stemming from various criminal enterprises the company willfully engaged in to make money. So of course the bank's CEO, Jamie Dimon, took his lumps and was very humble and chastened, right? Wrong!


"Banks are under assault," Dimon said on a conference call with reporters on Wednesday, responding to a question about the bank's legal costs.

"We have five or six regulators coming at us on every issue."

What do you call someone who breaks laws, then complains that they're "under assault" when held to account for their crimes? A whiny blowhard? A big old baby-person? A "Jamie Dimon," perhaps?

Jamie "Jamie Dimon" Dimon went on to say:

"Obviously companies make mistakes. We try to resolve it, we try to fix it, we admit it,"

[contextly_sidebar id="mnnSaa76J2Npyvo4KnouHimu87qHzTlw"]

Sometimes a young company gets a little rowdy, sowing its wild oats in the foreign exchange markets. Who among us hasn't helmed a massive financial institution that manipulated the LIBOR rate in a rush of hormones and sweet cash, then denied having any knowledge of what happened? Mistakes were made. By the company of course, not the people running it. Heavens no. That's not how banking works, which you might not realize unless you're as knowledgeable as Jamie Richard Nixon Whiny Lying Persecution Complex Man-Child Dimon.

In all, this is another data point against the notion, ascendant on the left, that the Obama administration is "the same as Bush" on Wall Street regulation. No, Obama didn't nationalize the banks, and people who probably should have been charged with crimes after the 2008 crash weren't. But "five or six regulators coming at us on every issue" (if true) doesn't exactly sound like a picnic. Which banks paid billion-dollar fines under Bush? Which president signed Dodd-Frank, which is working even after some horse trading in the CRomnibus spending bill stripped out the push-out rule? Wall Street is again contributing to Republicans 2-to-1 after briefly giving equally to both parties. You think they're doing that "just because?"

[Reuters / NYT / Marginal Revolution / HuffPo]

Why not yell at Alex on Twitter? Yeah! You tell 'im!

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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