Jamie Raskin's Three Questions For Pinky And The Brain, AKA Trump's Very Good Lawyers

The House impeachment managers finished prosecuting their case against Donald Trump on Thursday afternoon at a HIGHLY reasonable hour. (Liveblog here! We lied, we are not writing you a recap because we liveblogged it! Read that!) We guess when you watch the crime on the TV and the entire Congress witnessed it, you don't have to take up all your allotted time.

Anyway, it was quite a good presentation. It was less cinematic than Tuesday, but that's to be expected, because Tuesday was CINEFUCKINGMATIC.

Today, Donald Trump's very good lawyers, Bruce Castor and David Schoen and some other guy, will present their case, and we hear they will only be doing their talking today, even though they theoretically have 16 hours over two days to yell about "Do you remember records?" and "Nebraska is quite the judicial thinking place!" There was a whole weird thing earlier this week where Schoen, a religiously observant Jewish person, had requested that they pause the trial from sundown Friday until Sunday, so he could observe the sabbath. Chuck Schumer said sure, you bet! Then Schoen was like "oh never mind, I will just stay home from impeach that day, it'll be fine." We guess they decided they didn't have enough "defense" to spread it into two days.

During the House managers' presentations, they prebutted pretty much everything Trump's idiot lawyers could possibly say.

  • "He said PEACEFULLY!" Sure, buddy, one time in an 11,000-word speech (they counted!) where the rest of the words were some version of "FIGHT LIKE HELL" and "STOP THE STEAL!"
  • "First Amendment!" Sure, buddy, except for the president takes an oath of office to protect the country and its institutions, part of which is the peaceful transfer of power, and also to protect its people from all enemies foreign and domestic. Also, the article of impeachment is not for "gave shitty speech."
  • "It was pre-planned, therefore they couldn't have been following orders!" Sure, buddy, except it was never just about Trump's hate speech on January 6, but rather a months-long incitement of violence promulgating his fascist Big Lie that he won an election he actually lost. He knew these people were violent, because he had incited them before, and gleefully. He knew what they would do. Oh yeah, and the insurrectionists literally all said some version of "We are here for Trump, just following orders!"
  • "INPEACH is UNCONSTITUTION!" Save it, champs, the Senate decided it was totally constitutional on Tuesday, with votes.

And so on. These are some of the very good arguments we are likely to hear today from Pinky (Bruce Castor) and the Brain (David Schoen) today.

Yesterday, as they closed, Jamie Raskin decided to help the Trump lawyers out, maybe in case they hadn't written a defense yet, and gave them some questions he said he'd ask Trump if Trump was willing to waddle his ass up from Mar-a-Lago to be a witness in his own trial. Keep these questions on your mind, and watch for Pinky and the Brain to (not) answer them.

These are paraphrased, obviously, because Wonkette is a known Treason Paraphraser:

1. Why did Trump not tell his terrorists to stop attacking America once they started?

2. Why did he do nothing to stop it for two hours?

3. Why didn't he ever condemn the thing his terrorists did for him?

3.5 BONUS LEGAL QUESTION: IF a president invited a violent insurrection against America, would that be a bad high crime and misdemeanor?

4. There is no fourth question, let's see how you do with those first three and a half questions, Pinky and the Brain.

Again, watch for how Trump's very good lawyers (do not) answer those questions this afternoon.

Also watch for Pinky to tell us why Nebraska is just such a great judicial thinking place! Not because it matters, but just because we are extremely sexcited to find out.

You betcha.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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