Jared And Ivanka Poor Now, Please Send GoFundMe Bucks ASAP
Can she borrow $5?
Sounds like Donald Trump is going to have to rocket-launch some paper towels and cans of Vienna Sausages at his family's face, because both Jared and Ivanka Kushner-Trump have been charged some VERY LARGE fines, just for fucking up their financial disclosures AGAIN. The amount? $200 each. Guess they're not having fancy Olive Garden dinner tonight! Maybe they can get Eric to smuggle them some unlimited breadsticks so they don't starve.
Here's what happened, AGAIN:
Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump, senior advisers to President Donald Trump, were both fined $200 for missing deadlines to submit financial reports required by government ethics rules, according to documents and interviews.
It’s the second time that Kushner has been fined for late filing as part of his months-long process of divesting pieces of his vast business empire to serve in the White House, a highly unusual occurrence.
In addition, Kushner and Trump, the president’s daughter and her husband who serve as unpaid aides to him, listed vastly different values for some of their joint assets, with some discrepancies of hundreds of thousands of dollars or more.
Typical. Ivanka thinks their house is worth eleventy billion dollars by virtue of the fact she takes her golden shits there, whereas Jared is like "But Zillow says something different." (Jared Kushner, commercial real estate magnate, is very bad at real estate, so you just know he would use Zillow.)
In all seriousness, one of the disagreements is over a stake they own in a shopping center in New Jersey:
... [T]hey assigned different values to a partial stake in a Monmouth, N.J. shopping center with Trump listing the value as less than $1,001 and Kushner listing the value as exceeding $1 million. In May, Kushner sold a stake in this mall for as much as $500,000, but that doesn’t appear to account for the entirety of the discrepancy.
Well that's weird. Maybe J-Kush knows a very valuable secret about that shopping center!
This all seems to come down, at least partially, to the fact that Jared Kushner is a dipshit:
Kushner appears to have had difficulty getting his right. In total, Kushner has made changes to his financial disclosure form 39 times — in many cases in response to questions from the Office of Government Ethics — after receiving an initial 18-day filing extension. By comparison, former White House strategist Steve Bannon, who also is wealthy, had made one change to his form as of Aug. 11, one week before he left the administration. Trump herself amended her form just four times.
Steve Bannon might be evil incarnate, but even the devil can fill out a fucking form, good God.
We all LOLed this summer when we learned J-Kush had TOTALLY ON ACCIDENT forgotten to disclose 77 assets he had, worth as much as $51 million. Among those assets were an art collection "worth between $5 million and $25 million" he suddenly discovered, probably on a routine trip to the little mini-storage unit he and Vanky use for storing old hand-me-down furniture and Christmas ornaments and maybe human bodies. Who even knows what you're going to find in there?
At the time, it was reported that all this "disclosure" business was very confusing for the couple, partially because
they are goddamned stupid Prince Jared had to resign from 266 CORPORATE POSITIONS to work in the White House, while Princess Ivanka had to resign from 292 CORPORATE POSITIONS. And all the while, they've been misplacing money all over the place, like a couple of silly geese. And again, they have wildly divergent opinions on what their shit is worth.
This is all going on as the Kushner-Trumps are under fire for having THREE secret Benghazi Hillary email accounts on their private email server. (Yes, we said private email server.) After those were revealed, they moved their private emails over to a Trump Organization server, where they'll be safer from prying eyes we guess, even though Congress specifically said DO NOT DO THAT, DAMMIT. Maybe they just wanted to make it easier to send emails back and forth with Alfa Bank in Russia or something.
In response to all these lies, a couple of Democratic congressmen are demanding Ivanka Trump's security clearance be revoked. We're sure the Trump White House, that paragon of ethics, will get right on that.
So that's where things are. Ivanka 'n' Jared are a buncha morons who can't seem to get their shit straight, and also they are very poor now, because of how they both just had to write a check to the government for $200, for the crime of being a buncha morons.
"Ivanka, can I have one million dollars or maybe just twenty bucks to buy some more Legos to porn with?"
"No, Jared, we can't afford that, because the fines have rendered us poor."
Wonkette sends thoughts and prayers and promises to donate to their GoFundMe, just kidding, they can go fuck themselves with unopened bags of Ramen noodles.
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