Jared Kushner Innocent Of All Russian Crimes, According To Jared Kushner

HE'S JUST A NORMAL FAMILY MAN (who meets with Russians all the time, no big).

Prince Jared of the Ivanka-Boning Jareds is appearing behind closed doors this week for interviews with the House and Senate intelligence committees (he's at the Senate RIGHT NOW!), to explain why he's had one million secret meetings with every Russian who ever lived. In advance of his testimony, he submitted a VERY LONG statement explaining all his Russian contacts, and you can read it all (it is VERY LONG), or you can rely on Wonkette's summary, which we will throw at your face right now. The short version is that Prince Jared is innocent, and you are mean to even suggest that this son of a seasoned felon who married into a notorious crime family did anything wrong, so shut up, OK? Also, he didn't do it. And he was washing his cat that day. And he was dead at the time!

First of all, what you need to know is he is brand new at this politics thing, and he didn't mean to do any bad things, not that he did any bad things in the first place. Also, everything was crazy busy at the time, and it's hard to remember every single little thing you did, whom you banged (better be just Ivanka!), or whom you might have done a teensy weensy bit of foreign Russian collusion with, not that you did any.

With those things in mind, let's talk about some Russian meetings!

April 2016, Mayflower Hotel, when Popsy-In-Law read his first big foreign policy speech off the teleprompter.

This meeting comes up frequently! Trump gave a speech where he was very fawning toward Russia, and it was just great! Attorney General (For Now) Jeff Sessions went to the party, and plumb forgetted to remember it when he was testifying for the Senate Judiciary Committee. Paul Manafort was there. Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak was there. ERRYBODY WAS THERE. Trumpers have always said it's NBD, because all they did was watch a speech, do a meet and greet, drinky some fancy cocktails, and at the end they all bought Pampered Chef from the Pampered Chef lady who came to sell them kitchen knick-knacks.

In Kush's statement, he says he planned that Russian Pampered Chef party, and confirms FOR FACTUAL that it was a big nothing. He says his contact with the ambassadors who attended (there were four total) was limited, that some of them asked him on lunch dates but he didn't accept, and he didn't talk to the Russian ambassador again before the election. (Despite how Reuters says they talked on the phone twice.) Furthermore, Kush says on November 9, 2016, when he got a lovely note from Russia saying "MAZEL TOV FROM VLADIMIR PUTIN!" he wanted to verify it was real, but couldn't even remember the Russian ambassador's name. This exonerates Jared Kushner from all wrongdoing, because Americans never have any trouble remembering Russian names, especially when there are Borises and Natalias and Sergeys and Vladimirs FUCKING EVERYWHERE and all their last names have 83 letters, 41 numbers and 16 emojis in them.

Anyway, Jay-K is innocent. PROVE HE'S NOT, FUCKERS.

June 2016, when his freak-faced brother-in-law Don Jr. invited him to a meeting in an email with Russian collusion in the subject line.

GAH THAT MEETING WAS SO STUPID HE TOTALLY FORGOT IT HAPPENED. That's Jared Kushner's defense. Earlier in his statement, foreshadowing his excuse for taking a meeting based on an email WITH RUSSIAN COLLUSION IN THE SUBJECT LINE, Kushner says, "I did not have the time to read every [email], especially long emails from unkown senders or email chains to which I was added at some later point in the exchange."IT. WAS. IN. THE. SUBJECT. LINE.

Anyway, he says he got there late and this Russian chick (lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya) was rattling on about bouncy Russian babies and he was like so bored, bro, so he texted his assistant to try to get out of it:

... I actually emailed an assistant from the meeting after I had been there for ten or so minutes and wrote "Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting."

See? No big deal. He didn't read the whole email chain about how the Russians were offering super secret sexxx dirt on Hillary Clinton, and besides, he didn't hear nothin' 'bout no Russian documents, so why are you even asking? Now would he have stayed at the meeting if it was super fun and mucho-collusion-y? MAYBE. He doesn't say either way. Regardless, he says nothing happened, and he never heard that Russian lady's name again until his lawyers found the record of the meeting.


(More here from the Washington Post's Greg Sargent, about just how hard Kushner is throwing his brother-in-law under the bus with this statement.)

October 2016, when maybe a Russian hacker or somebody pretending to be one emailed him.


On October 30, 2016, I received a random email from the screenname "Guccifer400." This email, which I interpreted as a hoax, was an extortion attempt and threatened to reveal candidate Trump's tax returns and demanded that we send him 52 bitcoins in exchange for not publishing that information.

Jared says he asked a Secret Service agent on their aero-plane what he should do about it and the Secret Service dude was like "ignore it." So he did! End of story!

November and December 2016, after Popsy-in-law was "elected" and it was time for a buncha Russian fun and games during the Trump Transition, NONE OF WHICH WAS ILLEGAL SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Ahhhhh, those heady days at Trump Tower when Steve Harvey was coming in the front door and Russians were going in the back door! Kushner says the transition was EVEN MORE BUSIER than the campaign, but he remembers two (2) meetings with Russians, and a third he didn't actually go to. They're the same meetings we already knew about. The first featured Kush, disgraced literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn, and Kislyak. The second, that Kushner initially failed to report, was with Sergei Gorkov, head of VneshEconomBank (VEB), a Russian state-owned "development" bank that is not really a bank, but really just more of a Russian government operation. Then there was another meeting with the Russian ambassador, in between those two, that Jared sent his "deputy" to, probably because he was waxing his abs that day.

The point is those meetings were NOT CRIME-Y. Can you get that through your thick skull? In his statement, Kushner 'splains something, IN BOLD TYPE, about the first meeting:

During the meeting, after pleasantries were exchanged ... I stated our desire for a fresh start in relations. Also ... I asked Ambassador Kislyak if he would identify the best person (whether the Ambassador or someone else) with whom to have direct discussions and who had contact with his President. The fact that I was asking about ways to start a dialogue after Election Day should of course be viewed as strong evidence that I was not aware of one that existed before Election Day.

Kushner was nice enough to highlight that, in case we're all too stupid to see its significance. He hadn't talked to any Russians about how to have a good relationship with Russia before the election, and he doesn't know anybody who did. Of course, that BOLD PRINT SENTENCE doesn't say he didn't have secret conversations with Russians about anything, and it definitely doesn't say he didn't have secret conversations about using the Trump campaign digital operation (which he ran) to collude with Russia's hacking operation. JUST SAYIN'.

Also in this meeting, Kushner talked to Kislyak about setting up a secret back channel between the Trump transition and Russia, not that they talked about setting up a secret back channel between the Trump transition and Russia:

[Kislyak] said the generals could not easily come to the U.S. to convey this information and he asked if there was a secure line in the transition office to conduct a conversation. General Flynn or I explained that there were no such lines. I believed developing a thoughtful approach on Syria was a very high priority given the ongoing humanitarian crisis, and I asked if they had an existing communications channel at his embassy we could use where they would be comfortable transmitting the information they wanted to relay to General Flynn. The Ambassador said that would not be possible and so we all agreed that we would receive this information after the Inauguration. Nothing else occurred. I did not suggest a "secret back channel."

"I suggested maybe we could use a back channel at the Russian embassy. I did not suggest using a back channel." Makes perfect sense! He says it was just for this one conversation, and emphasizes, apropos of nothing, that they didn't talk about lifting the Russian sanctions. (Unless they did, which is possible if Jared Kushner is lying. Hope he doesn't lie to Congress!)

Kushner doesn't mention that time in December of 2016 when Michael Flynn called Sergey Kislyak on the Obamaphone and said, "Hey don't worry about mean President Kenya-Bummer taking away your spy mansions and kicking all the Russian spies out of America and levying new sanctions, we'll take care of those right nice after the inauguration." That's not relevant, because Jared Kushner is not here to cover Michael Flynn's ass, that's for sure.

Kushner says the meeting he didn't go to, to which he sent his deputy, only happened because Sergey Kislyak was being such a Stalking Susan, and that Kislyak really wanted him to meet with Sergey Gorkov, the head of the Russian "bank." So Kush was like, "FINE, I will meet that guy." When that meeting happened, Kush says there was zero sanctions talk. He says Gorkov brought him presents (which he "registered with the transition office"), and they didn't talk about any Russian connections with his real estate business either, so GOOD MEETING, JARED HAS NEVER COMMITTED A CRIME, WHY IS THIS POST NOT OVER YET?

January 2017 to present: Jared Kushner's lying security clearance forms ARE NOT FULL OF LIES!

Kushner says when he initially submitted his SF-86 application form, the one that didn't disclose any Russian contacts, it was just a big oops. His assistant just hit "send" too early! Then they sent some more information, then they sent some more after that, then they looked behind the couch and found 77 more financial assets Jared had, and good golly, they'll just keep sending supplemental information until Jared Kushner figures out everything there is to know about Jared Kushner's foreign contacts!

In summary and in conclusion, Jared is innocent and he did not do any illegal collusion with Russia, and if you believe otherwise, PROVE IT!

By the way, Jared Kushner doesn't have any business dealings with Russia either, and if you don't believe THAT, then read this news report about how Kushner "secured a multimillion-dollar Manhattan real estate deal with a Soviet-born oligarch whose company was cited in a major New York money laundering case now being probed by members of Congress," and Jared Kushner will proceed to show you on the doll how that report is FAKE NEWS.

By the way, it's the same money laundering case New York Attorney General Preet Bharara was pursuing when Daddy-In-Law Trump fired him, the one involving the Magnitsky Act (which is code for BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES and also sanctions) that features all the Russians Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort met with on June 9, 2016.

It was the stupidest meeting. Jared didn't even read the email his stupid brother-in-law sent about it. He got there late. He got his assistant to rescue him from the meeting, because he was so dang bored.

Jared is innocent.

Fuck you.

The end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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