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Last night, as Donald Trump traveled back to DC after a long day of comforting himself before an audience of mass shooting victims, he made some news on Air Force One that nobody wanted or expected -- he's probably going to commute the sentence of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, the grifty garbage human former Illinois governor who was convicted and sentenced to 14 years in prison for trying to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat.

And the people said ... heeeennnnngh? To be clear, there is nobody -- except the convict himself and his wife -- stanning for mercy to be rained down on Blago, who is beloved of no one. Democrats do not give a fuck about him. No one wants him back. No one cares. Nobody would piss on him if he was on fire. They might shit on him, though.

When we saw the tweet from Maggie Haberman, but before we actually read an article about it, our very first thought was that this is going to be just like the firing of James Comey. We joked on Twitter that in a couple months we were probably going to find out that dumbfucking stupid useless ass Jared Kushner had been in his popsy-in-law's ear telling him it would placate the Democrats, just like when he told Trump Democrats would shower praises upon him for firing Comey, because we're apparently too stupid to simultaneously be furious with Comey for his piss-poor handling of the Hillary Clinton investigation and also be able to correctly discern that Trump was only firing Comey to criminally obstruct the Russia investigation. (That was a thing Jared believed! Really! He is not smart!)

Look! Our receipt!

IT WAS A JOKE. Or it was supposed to be.


So then we read the article:

Jared Kushner, the president's son-in-law and senior adviser who has internally championed pardons and commutations, had suggested Mr. Blagojevich be pardoned, saying that it would appeal to Democrats, one of those people said. Other aides told Mr. Trump that such a move would be politically unwise given the nature of Mr. Blagojevich's conviction; instead, commuting the sentence was what had been settled on.

Hold on one sec.

Giphy

OK, we can proceed.

As Haberman reports, Trump said on Air Force One that the smoking gun phone call where Blago was caught on tape talking about auctioning Obama's Senate seat to the highest bidder was totally no big deal, which is unsurprising, because Trump is a repeat-offending criminal, and unlikely to see "crimes" as any big kind of deal.

"I thought he was treated unbelievably unfairly; he was given close to 18 years in prison," Mr. Trump said. "And a lot of people thought it was unfair, like a lot of other things — and it was the same gang, the Comey gang and all these sleaze bags that did it. And his name is Rod Blagojevich. And I'm thinking about commuting his sentence."

Yeeeeeeeah, buddy, you betcha.

Haberman reports that on top of Trump receiving the sage wisdom of Jared Kushner, who has never been wrong, Blago's wife Patti Blagojevich has been on the Fox News begging Trump to save her crapsack husband. And when Fox News tells the president to do a thing, he goddamn well does it. Besides, Rudy Giuliani agrees with Trump that the sentence Blago got was "wacky," because all of these people are the same, all of them are shady as fuck, and when you're a crime family shitheel type, it doesn't really matter if you're a Democrat or a Republican. Birds of a feather stick together.

Of course, there is one other thing about Rod Blagojevich that ties all this up with a bow, and it is that he was on the non-Emmy-winning "Celebrity Apprentice" program. Here is a video of Donald Trump (who is now the president) yelling at Blago for being bad at Harry Potter and then firing Blago for being bad at Harry Potter:

As soon as Trump sorts all this pesky "prison" nonsense out for his old buddy Blago, we assume he'll nominate Blago to be the next Director of National Intelligence (no Harry Potter facts required). We bet Jared thinks Democrats would vote him through EASY!

Haha, just fooling, that is another #joke! But if it's anything like the joke we made on Twitter about Jared stupidly thinking Democrats would fall in love with Trump for commuting Blago's sentence, then it will probably come true by suppertime.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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