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Would you like to buy an assortment of porn vitamins?


We've all been wondering what Rep. Jason Chaffetz will be doing after he unceremoniously leaves Congress at the end of June. Will he go to Fox News? Will he go to jail? Will he just hang around the house all the time and let people do enemas to him, because that is his favorite? NO, you are silly. Chaffetz has started a new company called Strawberry C, and it makes the finest Mormon porn vitamins you've ever imagined, to keep porn Mormons healthy and strong, especially on those days when you're supposed to play Elder Gideon getting invited in to a strapping young man or sexxxy lady's house, and getting more "missionary stuff" than you ever bargained for, but you're just SO ZZZZZZ TIRED.

The Church says you can't have Coca-Cola. You can't have coffee. You certainly can't take a shot of Fireball and hope that gives you a little go-go juice until you've finished filming Temple Gang-Bang XI: Covenant Marriages Gone Awry!

That's where Jason Chaffetz's Strawberry C porn vitamins come in. They are $5 a bottle, or $7 if you prefer chewables, and they contain only the strongest, purest energy porn nutrients, to get you through your Mormon Porning Day. For $15, your Strawberry C Porn Mormon Vitamins will have been blessed by the Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, whose name is Thomas Monson.

For $30, you get the same vitamins and the same blessings, but they have been infused with authentic sanctified aura of one of the famous Osmonds.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! A $50 bottle of Strawberry C comes with BONUS GIFT of special lookin' stones that will make it really easy to decode new prophecies from Mormon Jesus, should you happen to be digging in the dirt looking for those. The lookin' stones are ALSO very effective in decoding 29 ways to drive your Mormon porning scene partner WILD IN BED ON CAMERA. They will rip your magic underpants off like a common Fabio ripping a bodice!

Don't believe us? Let's see what a lifelong Mormon porner has to say about it:

"I used to fall asleep with dick in my mouth during those 'after lunch' slumps and when I had a Case Of The Mondays. But now I don't anymore, because of Jason Chaffetz's Strawberry C Mormon Porn Vitamins. Thanks porn vitamins, and thanks Jason!" -- Mormon gay porn star who wouldn't give his name because his mom and dad don't know what he does for a living.

Would that anonymous Mormon porner lie? Well the Book of Mormon says no lying, so probably not!

ORDER IN THE NEXT 15 MINUTES AND JASON CHAFFETZ WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND ADMINISTER YOUR PORN MORMON VITAMINS TO YOUR MOUTH! And you thought he was leaving public service, PFFFFFFFFFFFT.

Jason Chaffetz says Strawberry C is actually a PR company, to which we reply "EAT ME."

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[Salt Lake Tribune]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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