enema face

We've all been wondering the past couple days, since Rep. Jason Chaffetz's extremely sudden announcement that he won't seek re-election to the House in 2018, and then his further clarification that he might resign real soon, if there was some big escandalo! about to drop. Has he been playing genital games with a male or female intern? Do the Russians have some sort of kompromat on him, maybe a video of him playing genital games with a male or female intern? WTF IS IT JASON, WE KNOW YOU'RE DIRTY, WE JUST DON'T KNOW HOW.

Jake Sherman of Politico did an interview with Chaffetz on Thursday, wherein the congressman explained that HE is not dirty, and YOU are dirty for even suggesting that. And how can he assure us he's not dirty? Because of all the enemas he gets from literally everybody. Yes, all the haters are always throwing Chaffetz's legs in the air and shooting rivers up his fanny, and if there was a real scandal up inside there, it surely would have fallen out, at the end of one of the enemas.


Asked if he is resigning because of a yet-to-be revealed scandal, Chaffetz said, “Absolutely, positively not.

“Not in any way shape or form,” he said. “I’ve been given more enemas by more people over the last eight years than you can possibly imagine.


From the Secret Service to the Democratic Party.

Really? The whole Secret Service gave Jason Chaffetz an enema? We knew a lot of them were weirdo creeps, but we didn't know they'd rush out to buy all the Fleet enemas at their local Walgreens, just because the chair of the House Oversight Committee had a thirsty butt.

Anyway, his point is:

I am who I am. If they had something really scandalous, it would’ve come out a long, long time ago.”

With his poo.

Wait, holy shit (LOLOL literally) ... is the kompromat video the Russians may or may not have on Chaffetz an ENEMA VIDEO? For his sake, we hope the Russians don't leak that, haha we said "leak," we are twelve years old until this post is over.

Regarding the Secret Service, he's talking about that time agents leaked stuff on him (SAID IT AGAIN!) during the Obama administration. (His rejected job application for the Secret Service somehow ended up in the Daily Beast!) He likes to say NOBODY was punished for that, ever, which is a lie because Obama's Department of Homeland Security investigated it and 41 Secret Service agents were punished.

We have no idea what he's talking about when he says Democrats do enemas to him, we are guessing "investigated him 11 times in four years or something," probably. But hey, that sure does bring new meaning to reaching around the aisle, if it's true!


As for his future plans (ASSUMING THEY DON'T INCLUDE JAIL), and regarding the rumors that maybe Fox News is interesting in putting his Play-Doh-lookin' fuck face on TV, he says he'd love to find a "television relationship," but he's still not ruling out running for Utah governor in 2020. He just doesn't know!

“I don’t know exactly where these winds are going to take me,” he said.


OK, we'll stop.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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