Jeb Bush Baffled By Zippers, Magnets, Life Itself

Here is a video of Jeb Bush struggling to dress himself:

You are no doubt thinking words of pity about poor dumb pathetic Jeb, but don't do that. Don't you dare. Because this awkward moment was not captured by some devious macaca liberal with an iThing, smeared across the interwebs to humiliate the sorry son of a bitch who apparently does not possess functioning opposable thumbs.

Oh no. This clip of #JebNoFilter is from the Jeb! YouTube page, apparently because Jeb or the social media moron on his team -- probably the same one whose Photoshop skills need ALL the work, unless Jeb's hand was supposed to look black -- figured this candid moment of Jeb not knowing how to put on a fucking sweatshirt would ... um ... Sweet bar mitzvahed Christ on the bimah, we don't even know what they figured, honestly.

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We've had a blast of a time making fun of poor dumb Jeb for, oh, any number of things, take your pick. But it's starting to feel mean. Like kicking a three-legged puppy or something. Seriously, how much more can he take? How much more can we take? We've already concluded that contrary to rumors, he's definitely not The Smart One. This would be true even if he were the only bumbling idiot ever spawned from Bar's vag.

And we know Jeb's getting awful cranky about how things are not going according to his plan of just, like, becoming president. Plan B -- reminding everyone he's A Bush -- is also, it seems, failing to sway Republican primary voters.

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Jeb's not even pretending to put his heart in it anymore, which makes it quite the challenge for us to put our heart into pointing out what a sad fucking loser idiot jackhole he is. Earlier in his campaign, he told us he's not a fan of the "fancy" "big-syllable words," but now he's not even bothering to make words at all:

Addressing his many troubles at a campaign event in New Hampshire over the weekend, Jeb Bush said, “Blah blah blah blah, that’s my answer, blah blah blah.”

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Even his dry-drunk coked out CHOKED ON A GODDAMNED PRETZEL brother is more articulate than that. And now we hate ourselves for even typing such a thing, and we hate the blah blah blah out of Jeb for making us type such a thing, but we are journalistically obligated because it's true. Good gawd, it's true.

So please, Jeb, for the love of whatever "really cool things" you hold dear, just stop it already. You don't really want this, and neither does anyone else in America. Put yourself out of your own misery, and put us out of your misery too, because watching you fail harder than the average Bush is so excruciating, we almost cannot bring ourselves to mock you for it anymore. Almost.



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