He gonna fixed it so good now!

Oh, is it mock Jeb o'clock already? Yup, sure is. On Monday, we laughed so hard we cried tears, of pity, at Jeb's new and improved plan to surge in the polls -- that is, after "a few weeks" of more sucking, according to his campaign. And then he will make a glorious comeback, you'll see! He's got a new slogan (and a banner!) that says Jeb Can Fix It, so it must be true. Aren't you impressed already? No, either are we.

[contextly_sidebar id="fhviJyrl0Dno4xAzTd28U3zTUdlZkQx8"]

In addition to his new catchphrase [insert laugh track here], Jeb has hired yet another of his brother's advisers to make it all better: Janan Grissom, former Gee Dubya re-election campaign guru with, as POLITICO puts it, "long ties to the Bush family." Nothing says "I'm my own man" like gettin' George's band back together. Oh wait, Jeb's campaign scrapped that line in favor of "Remember who my daddy is?" and "My brother saved us from 9/11."

[contextly_sidebar id="VQwPWh1RzlnifK0VBWFKXH80pd8iiOUe"]

How's that going so far? Well, Jeb's daddy and brother remain on the fence about his doomed campaign, but at least he's won the endorsement of his own son.

Jeb has also hired A Expert from the official cable network sponsor of George Bush's presidency and rehabilitation campaign, to teach Jeb how to talk more good. Or, as Jeb himselfhas put it, he's "got to get better as a performer." Congratulations, Jon Kraushar, you've got a hell of a job ahead of you:

According to a source close to the campaign, Bush will be media-coached by Jon Kraushar, a legendary image-maker who’s worked with [Fox News CEO Roger] Ailes for decades. In the 1980s, Ailes and Kraushar were business partners at Ailes Communications, the political-consulting shop Ailes founded. It was during this time that Ailes and Krashaur famously coached Jeb’s father and Dan Quayle to the White House in 1988. [...] Fox pundits regularly go to Kraushar for training and Ailes recommends politicians to him.

Other successful graduates of the Kraushar school of talking good include Vice President Paul Ryan, class of 2012. So at least after Jeb's White House dreams die for good, he might have a future as speaker of the House, once Ryan gets shoved out by the nihilists. By our very scientific calculations, expect that to happen by the month of soon, at the latest.

Oooh, and then we can look forward to a Speaker Jeb Bush SEX SCANDAL that will drive him from office. Can't hardly wait for that!

[POLITICO / NY Mag]