Y'all wanna watch the exact moment Jeb! Bush guaranteed he will never be president? Of course you do:

The next president should defund Planned Parenthood. I have the benefit of having been governor, and we did defund Planned Parenthood when I was governor. We tried to create a culture of life across the board.

The argument against this is, well, women's health issues are gonna be -- you're attacking -- it's a war on women, and you're attacking women's health issues. You could take, dollar for dollar -- although I'm not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women's health issues -- but if you took, dollar for dollar, there are many extraordinarily fine organizations, community health organizations, that exist. Federally sponsored community health organizations, to provide quality care for women on a wide variety of health issues.

Did you catch that?

I'm not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women's health issues.

Do you know why this is the moment? Let's ask President Mitt Romney to explain it. Oh wait, we can't because he's not the president. See, in 2012, Romney also threatened to "get rid of" Planned Parenthood, and do you remember what happened? He lost lady voters by double digits. Ya can't win the White House without the lady voters, because math. (Ask your wife, fellas, she'll explain it to you.)

Funny thing happened in 2012. When women heard Romney wanted to take away their healthcare, they were a lot less inclined to vote for him. True story! Do you think it would be different for Jeb! Bush? Because if so, to quote Sen. Elizabeth Warren, did you fall and hit your head? Planned Parenthood is more popular than Jeb! Bush. By a whole lot of digits. That is also a true story.

So when Jeb declares that we don't need to spend half a billion dollars on "women's health issues," you gotta wonder: how much does he think we should spend? Is it zero dollars? Because it sure seems like that's what he has in mind. He's awful damn proud of how he gutted women's healthcare when he was the governor of Florida:

As Florida Governor, Jeb vetoed state funding for Planned Parenthood. Instead, at his urging, the state directed funds to crisis pregnancy support services across Florida. These services help women facing difficult circumstances avoid abortion through counseling and life support services.

You know what crisis pregnancy centers do? They tell you you're going to get cancer, kill yourself, and then burn in hell if you have an abortion. They tell you to just start prayin' to Jesus, and everything will work out fine. You know what they don't do?

They don't FUCKING PROVIDE HEALTHCARE. Crisis pregnancy centers, which are federally funded with your taxpayer dollars, FYI, are not actually healthcare centers. Most of them don't bother employing any trained medical staff because you don't need a degree in doctoring to quote the Bible to "patients," right?

Is that the kind of "healthcare" Jeb has in mind? Because Grandma Rosary Beads at your local CPC is not certified to smear your pap or examine your lady lumps. She can't prescribe your birth control -- not that she would -- and we're pretty sure she doesn't know how to spell HIV, let alone test for it.

Is that where Jeb thinks our less-than-half-a-billion-dollars should be spent instead of Planned Parenthood, which is staffed with doctors and nurses because of how it actually does provide healthcare? Because the Congressional Budget Office says that will reduce available services and cost the government more money. That's not very good fiscal conservatism, Jeb.

But never mind, because after Jeb wrapped up his little speech, someone whispered in his ear that the Internet says he just did a REAL BAD THING. Jeb! released a statement saying that women's health organizations that are not Planned Parenthood "need to be fully funded." Only that wasn't enough, so he released another statement saying that he "misspoke," even though he didn't mention which part he thinks he got wrong. Plus, he's got this nice lady doctor right here to tell you how much he loves the ladies, is that enough for you bitches and your "women's health issues"?

Nope. And if Jeb! Bush were going to be president, that would be real problem for women. Fortunately, thanks to Jeb's hereditary foot-in-mouth disease, that's never going to happen. The ladies won't allow it.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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