Jeb Bush Loves His Brother, Swears He Will Be Nothing Like That Idiot

Don't misunderestimate how hard it is to run for president when you are the baby brother of the worst president U.S. America has ever had judicial activist-ly crammed down its throat. It can be very a lot hard! Like answering yes or no questions, but more harder than that, even. Which has not stopped Jeb Bush from saying he's still "thinking"about running for president, though he hasn't "made the decision" yet. Suuuure, OK, buddy.

Jeb was on "Face the Nation" Sunday, tripping on his own dick  againbecause he still hasn't figured out how to say "Vote for me, I am a Bush" while simultaneously saying "Please forget that I am a Bush, PLEASE." (Spoiler: It cannot be done, which is one of about a thousand reasons Jeb is never gonna get to disrespect the office of the presidency by putting his feet on the desk.) Let's watch Jeb fail another time, some more, together:

This is hard for me, to be honest with you. I have to do the Heisman on my brother that I love, you know? This is not something I’m comfortable doing. But I’m my own person. I have my own life experience.

Hahahahaha, good one, Jeb! You are, in fact ahem, so NOT your own person, you're surrounding yourself with your brother's terrible advisersandyour dad's terrible advisers too! But go on, Jeb, keep deluding yourself, on TV, for our amusement:

As I tell that story, people will begin to say, "Yeah, look, he’s a Bush, that’s fine, but I’m for him because he has ideas that will help me rise up." So, my brother is not going to be a problem at all. I seek out his advice. I love him dearly. I’ve learned from his successes and his mistakes.

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None of that is going to happen, but Jeb can name a mistake his brother made from which he has learned, um, something. Invading Iraq? Hahaha, AS IF. Jeb would totally do that all over again. Or maybe he didn't understand the question. Or maybe you hate the troops for asking him about that. Or, actually, definitely no, he would not, that's his final answer.

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But that's not the kind of mistake he means.

I think I learned also from not having -- keeping the reins on spending. I mean, because of the war and because of the focus on protecting the homeland, I think he let the Republican Congress get a little out of control in terms of the spending.

Funny, we remember it differently. Sure, there was all that spending on the wars George W. Bush wanted, but we remember a ginormous tax cut for rich people, which was, it turns out, not very good at stimulating the economy so much as making rich people even richer, when they were already doing just fine. And all of that, as we recall, was done with the approval of the Republican Congress, yeah, but at the fiercely passionate insistence of the Bush administration. But whatever, "history." So can Jeb Bush name a success? He sure can, in that all too familiar, apparently genetic and very quintessential Bush-style slaughtering of the English language we have not had enough time yet to forget:

The successes clearly are protecting the homeland. We were under attack, and he brought -- he unified the country, and he showed dogged determination, and he kept us safe.

We love (by which we mean hate, despise, want to gulp rubbing alcohol, need all the therapy, ARRRRGGGHHHHH!) the Republican fairy tale that George Dubya "kept us safe" because that terrorist attack on some day in September, can't remember when exactly, that killed about 3000 people -- the one that justified running the Constitution through a shredder, invading two countries, and a whole bunch of other awful crap -- that doesn't count. Why doesn't it count? Because NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED that it was going to happen, except for how there was a memo that said it was going to happen, but that memo also doesn't count because it was written while Dubya was on summer vacation from being president, so there.

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But hey, if Jeb Bush wants to run on the very persuasive platform of promising to keep us safe just like his brother did so successfully, we are all for it. After all the damage Dubya did to our country, from which we are still trying to recover, the Bush family definitely owes us some comedic relief.

[ Rawstory / NYT ]