Jeb! Bush Poised For Triumphant Comeback Literally Any Moment Now


Life sure sucks free-range rooster cock if you are Jeb Bush. But it also sucks if you work on Jeb's flailing presidential campaign, a term we are using very loosely at this point.

If you're part of the Iowa ground game, you are spending 37 hours a day driving all over the state to cover your "region" because Team Jeb is bad at maps. If you are Jeb's graphic designer, you gotta explain how the fuck Jeb's hand turned black while doing a Bush-league job photoshopping him onto a brilliantly fake blue Iowa river. And if you are Bush campaign communications director Tim Miller, you have to say stuff like this:

Bush is gonna make a comeback -- you'll see! -- with his rebooted campaign. And then his numbers won't be stuck in the literal toilet like a common just-barely-top-tier candidate. Jeb's born-again campaign is like the old one, except more pathetic because now we know for a fact he isn't the smart one.

But Jeb Can Fix It Good, it's not too late, he can do president too, Daddy, he can, HE CAN! He has a fresh new slogan, his boy-vag is all rejuvenated and vajazzled, and -- as he demonstrated during a weekend chit-chat with Mark Halperin -- he's a leaner, meaner tougher tough-talking take-no-shit GRRRRRRR JEB BUSH SMASH!:

HALPERIN: Are people underestimating your ability to fight back and your willingness to fight back?

BUSH: I hope they are. I hope they are.

Good god, man. Have you not watched Donald Trump strut around this country, swinging his dick, guaranteeing he's gonna make America So Great Again, right in your G-spot, ooooh yeah, baby? Can you even fake a tattered shred of confidence?

HALPERIN: Just talk about your resilience, because some people think you don't know how to fight.

BUSH: They don't know me. They don't know me. I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast.

OK, then, obviously not.

Jesus Christ, Jeb. Pull yourself together. You're pathetic. You're tragic. We can barely bring ourselves to mock you because that's how fucking sad you are. Obviously, we will continue to do so anyway, but we will feel a little bad about it until you make it stop. Which you should do pretty much now, for your own good.



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