Go cry to your mom, Jeb

Poor Jeb Bush, screwed over by his dumb drunk big brother, was finally supposed to get his turn in the White House, daddy said! And it was all going according to plan, with Poppy's bestest buds and favorite son telling him which countries he should promise to bomb, and Dubya promising to not say words too much, lest he remind voters that Jeb will probably ass-bang the country the way Dubya did, because that's what Bushes do. And even though Jeb doesn't have the advantage of a brother who can steal a swing state for him, it was gonna be smooth self-entitled all the way to the White House.

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So what happened? For one thing, turns out Jeb Bush is as dumb as his brother. For a second thing, Donald Trump:

“Seriously, what’s this guy’s problem?” [Bush] asked one party donor he ran into recently according to accounts provided by several sources close to Bush—and he went on to describe the publicity seeking real estate developer now surging in public polls far ahead of Bush and all the 15 others in the Republican field as “a buffoon,” “clown” and “asshole.”

Oh no! Did Donald Trump steal your first place from you, Jeb? That is so mean and unfair and unsportsmanlike! Everyone knows you deserve first place, because of how you have waited so long and worked so hard to get there. And yet:

Whatever Bush wants to call Trump, the most accurate appellation heading into Thursday night’s first big Republican debate of the chaotic 2016 contest in Cleveland is the label that should have been Bush’s: “frontrunner.”

Maybe Bush wouldn't be tripping over his own mangina if he weren't so flustered by Trump, and he wouldn't say self-defeating stupids like how he's "not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women's health issues." Liberal commie rag POLITICO tries to help Jeb out of that mess, with this laughably inaccurate side note:

(Just this week he had to quickly walk back a statement that he wanted to de-fund “women’s health” programs, when he meant to say abortion services).

Nice reach-around, POLITICO, except that we don't spend half a billion dollars on abortion services -- we don't spend any money on abortion services at all, in fact -- and despite later claiming he "misspoke," Jeb didn't actually retract a single word of his statement that he wants to cut funding for women's healthcare and shut down Planned Parenthood. (So you can all stop saying Jeb walked back his statement because he didn't, ACTUALLY.)

Jeb may think Trump is an asshole buffoon clown, and we won't challenge him there, but the other Republicans in the race also think Jeb needs to take a long hard look in the mirror:

The half-dozen conservative senators and governors who had planned to run before Bush brought out his shock-and-awe fundraising campaign, had to laugh: They viewed Bush himself as an intruder, a political semi-retiree who sat on the sidelines for eight years while they fought Barack Obama.

So who is the biggest asshole in the race? Hard to say -- it's so competitive! But maybe we'll find out when Donald Trump and the also-rans (including Jeb!) try to out-clown each other in their sexciting first debate (and oh yeah, the JV debate team pouts in the opening act), which we are liveblogging for your entertainment pleasure, tonight, 5 ET, you are welcome.


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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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