Jeb! Doesn't Want To Be President Anyway, Take THAT, Dad

It's because his daddy never loved him

It would seem a physical impossibility that Jeb Bush, who already lost the presidential election months ago and has now devoted himself to Bushsplaining how his big brother George -- aka The Smart One Actually -- kept us safe from 9/11, could be even more pathetic. And yet:

I've got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around, being miserable, listening to people demonize me and me feeling compelled to demonize them. That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.

We cannot imagine what "really cool things" Jeb would rather be doing right now. Taking hits from the bong, perhaps, or quitting his stupid Paleo diet and eating all the pie and french fries. Or googling some of the nation's worst tragedies that he'll never forget, like, um ... you know, that one, with the people, and the thing. Not that he'd want to spend too much time reading up on them, because hey, that's life. Stuff happens.

Having his pampered ass kicked up and down this country by fellow pampered ass-haver Donald Trump is not, however, Jeb's idea of really cool funtimes. He takes no pleasure, for example, in claiming he's the better candidate for president because he's not a germophobe and will kiss ALL the hands and shake ALL the babies. And while he recently suggested that creating "a little bit of a recession in Washington D.C." could be good for a laugh or two, he didn't seem too thrilled about the recession in his own campaign that has forced him to cut his budget by 45 percent and downsizing headquarters and staff to try to save some dough. Nothing says "We're winning!" like having to cut back on staff and spending. Just ask former candidate Rick Perry.

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Poor Jeb. Poor dumb stupid-as-fuck loser least-favorite-son Jeb. Running for president seemed like a good idea back when he figured he could easily coast to victory, without even having to ask for help from his family because (snort, guffaw, eye roll) he's his "own person" with his own "life experience." Of course, given that polls have consistently shown for months how much Republican voters don't care for him and his experience, he's changed that tune too and is now running on a platform of being a Bush, with those renowned Bush genes, which is just about the most pathetic fucking thing we have ever seen in our entire lives, and that includes all of the other ways we've watched Jeb humiliate himself in this race.

The Bush family spent the weekend begging all dad's rich friends to please donate more money and not give up on Jeb just yet, which is the second most pathetic fucking thing we have ever seen, and, it would seem, failed to inspire much faith that Jeb can recover from his downward spiral of FAIL:

“The patient is either in intensive care and in need of some good doctors who can save him or being put into hospice and we’re going to see a slow death," said one K street lobbyist supporting Bush.

Bush heads into the third Republican debate this week polling so far behind Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson, and sweet Jesus, even a touch behind Marco Rubio now, that we can barely bring ourselves to point and laugh at the sorry son of a bitch. Barely.

One thing seems pretty damned clear, though: If Jeb would rather go do those really cool things and stop being a miserable losing loser, he's free to do so at any time. It certainly doesn't look like anyone in the Republican Party would try very hard to stop him.

[CBS News / Bloomberg / POLITICO]


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