Jeb Predicts Marco Rubio Will Win Two Terms As President, Just Like Loser Obama

You can't even tell them apart

If we were Jeb Bush right now -- and thank the Jewish Jesus Christ we are not -- we'd think twice, or maybe even just the once would be good, about comparing our fellow Republican presidential candidates to President Barack Obama:

As Jeb Bush's campaign wrapped up its two-day family-and-friends sales job to top donors, there was one figure who loomed large — Marco Rubio. [...]

The following slide called Rubio "a GOP Obama," and noted their “strikingly similar profiles: first-term senators, lawyers and university lecturers, served in part-time state legislatures for eight years, had few legislative accomplishments, and haven’t shown much interest in the process of advancing legislation and getting results.”

Yeah yeah, Obama is worse than Hitler times Stalin raised to the Billary, yadda yadda. But you know what else he is, besides that? He's the badass motherfucker who got elected president twice. And not in some bull-funked "stop the vote counting, bro, and let Dad's friends handle this" way, if you know what we mean. (We mean that time Jeb helped his brother steal a presidential election, and the Supreme Court was like, "Well, OK, this one time only, and then let us never speak of it again," is what we mean.)

Nah, President Obama won the election -- twice -- the good old fashioned way: by winning the election. Twice.

Now, to be superfluously clear, we do not think Marco Rubio is anything like Barack Obama because are you fucking kidding us? We will now pluck some for examples at random, from our noses, to make our point.

  1. Young, inexperienced future two-term president Barack Obama inspired Hope n Change. Marco is trying, not very successfully, to inspire fear of the communist threat in Cuba.
  2. When Barack Obama first appeared on the national stage, at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, America swooned and ooohed and ahhhed and swooned some more and dared to dream that maybe, just maybe, that guy right there could be president one day. When Marco Rubio introduced himself to America by delivering the Republican response to the State of the Union address in 2013, he choked. Literally, he choked. On water. And everyone laughed at him, and no one swooned or ooohed and ahhhed. At best, he got a sympathetic awww or two. As in, awww, you poor dumb bastard, you are never going to be president.
  3. Whippersnapper Barack Obama had the foresight to be correct about the mistake of invading Iraq before we got there. Dumbass Marco Rubio isn't even sure now whether it was a mistake. (Spoiler: It was.)
  4. Are you fucking kidding us?!?!

Marco Rubio should be so lucky. He's not, though. At best, he'll get to play the role of Sarah Palin, helping whichever dumb a-hole is at the top of the ticket to lose to Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders or aw heck, even Larry Lessig.

As for Jeb ... well. He and his advisers might want to have another emergency meeting to review some basics. Like how comparing his rival, who's within spitting distance of him in the polls, to the twice-elected president isn't quite the insult he thinks it is.

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Or not. Seems pretty obvious Jeb doesn't really want to be president. He's just on some doomed Oedipal mission to win his parents' love, which is going about as well as any Bush mission ever has. Now that his poll numbers are practically in kids' debate table second-tier territory, he's clearly trying to ride it out until this damned thing is over and he can go do "really cool things" like fooling people into thinking he's The Smart One.



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