News came out on Monday that, according to a strapping young man named Giancarlo Granda, he had an affair for more than six years with Jerry and Becki Falwell wherein he and Becki would do traditional Christian heterosexual fucking while Jerry grunted in the corner and we assume did traditional Christian onanism to his ween. It wasn't long after that it was announced Jerry would be leaving his post as president of Liberty University, which he was already taking a break from because of that Instagram picture with the non-wife lady where you could see his panties.

Oh but no, said Jerry! Nobody puts Jerry in a corner except Jerry, if it's the pool boy's turn to make intercourse with Jerry's wife, allegedly!

Anyway, the point was that Jerry was not quitting Liberty, and that was Fake News.

Falwell agreed to resign from the school's presidency and board of directors Monday but then reversed course, according to a statement from David M. Corry, the university's general counsel, telling his attorneys not to tender the letter for immediate resignation.

OK.

Do you care about the back-and-forth and Jerry saying he's not resigning and then saying well yes he is but "it's still up in the air," and then fast forward to last night and he really is resigning forever, and then that all changed this morning for a minute, and we weren't sure again, but now it's confirmed? Nah, let's just go with the current news, which is GOODBYE JERRY:

OH FUCK OFF.


Did we mention that on top of how this is all distracting from Jerry's favorite philandering president's fascist racism convention, it's also the first week of school for Liberty University kids, who probably just want to get coronavirus in peace, without being distracted by their dear leader's cock?

Speaking of Donald Trump, this is a good time to remind everyone of the weird tick-tock of events that led to this moment where we all are being forced to think about Jerry Falwell's tallywhacker too many times per day to preserve our good mental health (the surgeon general recommends ZERO times per day, or at least we imagine he would).

The Falwells met Giancarlo the pool boy back in 2012, when he was 20. According to Granda's account, that's about when all the bonezones began. Fast forward to 2015, when former Trump fixer Michael Cohen says he helped Jerry handle some RACY PICTURES, the kind you'd want to keep "between husband and wife" (and pool boy, maybe). They were being blackmailed, allegedly. And Michael Cohen took care of it for the Falwells, allegedly.

And then in 2016, not allegedly, Falwell suddenly changed his mind about supporting Ted Cruz for the Republican nomination, and switched his allegiance to Trump. Can't imagine it had anything to do with Trump's desperate need for cachet with white evangelicals and the fact that his lawyer had pics of Jerry playing pocket pool in the corner while a young buck made sexuals with Jerry's wife. Perish that thought.

Now, think of all that in context with Jerry and Becki's WAY HOT personal trainer, Ben Crosswhite. Remember how Jerry also reportedly sent sexxxy pics of Becki to that personal trainer, who, like Giancarlo Granda, the Falwells also helped out quite a bit financially? Crosswhite ended up with a $2 million gym he got from Liberty University, for the bargain basement price of zero dollars. Meanwhile Granda came out of his "arrangement" running a multi-million-dollar flophouse in South Beach.

Oh yes, and since we are destined to forever know this information, we must remind y'all of what Jerry Falwell was allegedly like as president of Liberty, according to Politico:

At Liberty, Falwell is "very, very vocal" about his "sex life," in the words of one Liberty official—a characterization multiple current and former university officials and employees interviewed for this story support. In a car ride about a decade ago with a senior university official who has since left Liberty, "all he wanted to talk about was how he would nail his wife, how she couldn't handle [his penis size], and stuff of that sort," this former official recalled. Falwell did not respond to questions about this incident.

We are sensing a pattern here. It is a cock-shaped pattern.

Anyway, we bet the next story to drop will be the Ben Crosswhite sexyfucky story, not that we are saying there is definitely a Crosswhite sexyfucky story, but if there is, we're gonna hear it.

Please, if this was your personal trainer and you were the president of a large conservative Christian clown college with an oversized influence on Republican politics, and also according to your own account had a very oversized weenus, wouldn't YOU have this guy make boners with your wife while you grunted in the corner with your panties around your ankles?

No? Maybe that's just a Jerry Falwell thing.

Allegedly.

[Washington Post / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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