Jerry Falwell Sorry About All The [GULP!] Crotch
IMPORTANT UPDATE ON IMPORTANT JOURNALISM STORY!
Jerry Falwell Jr., pal of Donald Trump and king of the clown college called "Liberty University," made some news the other day when he posted, and then deleted, this pic of him on vacation on a yacht at a "Trailer Park Boys" party. It was weird because when he posted it (pictured above, currently blinding you, LOL sorry that you're blind now), he was far more concerned with telling us he wasn't drinking REAL devil sin juice in that cup, since obviously he doesn't want to be expelled for alcohol, which is against Liberty University law, it was merely "black water."
He did not mention how he had committed an assault on all of humanity, by showing us his upper pubic mound.
Now, Jerry is at last sorry about his crotch, and he has the most curious explanation for why it is all hanging out like that. He explained on the local radio:
FALWELL: You know it was weird ...
Yeah, Jerry, it was.
'cause she was, she's pregnant, she couldn't get her pants up, and I was, trying to like — my, I had on a pair of jeans I haven't worn in a long time so I couldn't get mine zipped either.
Hate it when you are putting on your clothes with a woman what is not your wife and you both find out that the only pants you both brought with you don't fit.
Whose baby? Just asking.
And so I just put my belly — I just put my belly out like hers, and um, it was just, um, she is my wife's assistant and she's a sweetheart and ...
Like you do when you are drinking "black water" with a woman what is not your wife and all your panties don't fit.
I should never have put it up and embarrassed her because, um, anyway, I've apologized to everybody and I promised my kids, I'm gonna try to be a good boy from here on out.
Uh huh. "Good boy." We bet. Jerry added that it was "just in good fun."
Regular readers might remember the Wonkette story of Jerry Falwell's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcock, so-named because (we are hilarious and) Falwell is "very, very vocal" at Liberty U about his "sex life," apparently, according to a Politico long-read. Indeed, "all he wanted to talk about was how he would nail his wife, how she couldn't handle [his penis size], and stuff of that sort," according to a former Liberty official. We don't know if that's the kind of thing Jerry talks about at yacht parties with his mound showing due to how all his pants suddenly no longer fit, but maybe.
Just figured we'd bring that up, because we are not sure what Jerry Falwell's definition of "good boy" is. Maybe it's something he does when he's out at the extremely gay-friendly Miami nightclub. (Allegedly! Those pictures were photoshopped! Why everybody always gotta photoshop Jerry into pictures? Very rude.)
Did we mention what Jerry's voice sounds like in this clip? You know, there are times when maybe you see or hear something and maybe somebody slurs a word, so you assume they're drunk, because of how you're an asshole and you hate that person. And then there are times when you see or hear somebody and oh my God that person has GOT to be so fucking drunk. And if not, they must be having a stroke.
This is that. Listen for yourself.
Question: Is "black water" some kind of traditional Lynchburg, Virginia, moonshine? And is Jerry drinking it out of a Big Gulp in that clip? Is he drinking it right now this very second?
Inquiring minds [GULP!] would like to know.
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