Good morning! WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Yeah, nobody wants to talk about Jerry and Becki Falwell's sex life. And yet this asshole keeps thrusting himself into the public discourse, so here we are again.

Last night the Washington Examiner's "Secrets Columnist" Paul Bedard published a self-serving 1,200-word rant from Falwell in which he confessed that his wife had an affair with pool boy Giancarlo Granda and was subsequently blackmailed in a "'Fatal Attraction' type situation." Because Jerry Falwell is the worst husband ever. (Falwell did not name Granda, but the Examiner noted that he "has been identified as Giancarlo Granda in dozens of news stories." Also they talked to him. Read on!)

You see, it happened because Jerry was so devoted to the Christian development of students at Liberty University that he neglected his marriage. And in 2012, when the Falwells were vacationing in Miami Beach at the Fontainebleau Hotel, with its 30,000-square-foot nightclub and topless sunbathing — he did it for the students! — they met Granda, a handsome, 21-year-old pool attendant.


During a vacation over eight years ago, Becki and I met an ambitious young man who was working at our hotel and was saving up his money to go to school. We encouraged him to pursue an education and a career and we were impressed by his initiative in suggesting a local real estate opportunity. My family members eventually made an investment in a local property, included him in the deal because he could play an active role in managing it, and became close with him and his family.

Shortly thereafter, Becki had an inappropriate personal relationship with this person, something in which I was not involved – it was nonetheless very upsetting to learn about. After I learned this, I lost 80 pounds and people who saw me regularly thought that I was physically unwell, when in reality I was just balancing how to be most supportive of Becki, who I love, while also reflecting and praying about whether there were ways I could have been more supportive of her and given her proper attention.

Did you hear that, guys? Jerry was not involved in this relationship! He bought the pretty pool boy a gay-friendly flophouse in Florida, in which his son Trey is a major stakeholder, and Liberty University's favorite bank financed the deal out of the goodness of their hearts. Just like when he bought the handsome personal trainer his very own gym. Nothing to see here!

Well nothing but Jerry Falwell throwing his wife under the bus and desperately trying to get ahead of whatever amazingly filthy story is about to drop. And judging by this ham-fisted attempt to lay the groundwork, we're all going to need bibs for a meal this juicy. Gown up, ya'll!

Claiming the affair was short-lived, Falwell says he and his wife "extended the spirit of forgiveness to this man with respect and kindness, both for spiritual and religious reasons, and in the hope that we could help him find his way and allow us to put this behind us, without any harm or embarrassment to our family or to the LU community to which we have dedicated our lives." But in Falwell's telling, Granda is an unstable chancer who "became increasingly angry and aggressive" and threatened "to publicly reveal this secret relationship with Becki and to deliberately embarrass my wife, family, and Liberty University unless we agreed to pay him substantial monies" and "may have targeted other successful women in similar ways."

To be fair, though, Becki's probably pretty used to humiliation, what with her husband texting her boudoir shots to the personal trainer and bragging that she can hardly handle his gargantuan manhood when they get down to evangelical bonezoning.

Also, Jerry's personal judgment seems, umm, sub-ideal.

Oh, hey, remember that time when Michael Cohen told Tom Arnold he was dispatched by Falwell in 2015 to recover "racy pictures" of Becki from some blackmailer in Florida? And then like five minutes later Falwell switched from Ted Cruz to endorsing Donald Trump? Heckuva coincidence, huh?

Anyway, the hostel deal with Granda devolved almost immediately into litigation. And now Jerry's on the ropes, suspended from his job after documenting his latest indiscretion on social media, as one does.


And worse still, some intrepid journalist appears to be hot on his tail.

"We have categorically rejected this person's demands," Falwell wrote of Granda, "while dealing with him and this particular member of the media who seemed just as obsessed with the prurient, untrue aspects of this story, however fantastic."

Luckily, the WashEx's Bedard, a rabidly pro-Trump journalist, could be counted on to publish Jerry's clean-up missive without doing more than calling Granda for a three sentence comment.

"[A]ny allegation of extortion is falsely, defamatory and belied by clear documentary evidence. The Falwell's attempt to sandbag me, and the Examiner, with a last minute story without providing the Examiner clear evidence that this was not simply an 'affair' with concocted allegations of extortion reeks desperation. The WHOLE truth will come out," Granda emailed Bedard [sic], who was kind enough to publish it 16 paragraphs in, significantly below this bizarre nugget: "[Falwell's] social media has raised eyebrows in the Liberty community, though he is often praised for his success at building up the school and keeping the coronavirus at bay from the university."

Has he, though? Or has he been roundly criticized for bringing students back to campus during a pandemic, suing the New York Times reporters who came on campus to write about it, and demanding the FBI investigate board members of the university for speaking out against him?

Oh well, that's not important now. What's important is that the Lord has forgiven Jerry, and Jerry has forgiven Jerry, and if you think about it, isn't Jerry the real victim here?

Even though I continued successfully working with our entire Liberty team to achieve so many of our goals, I am now dealing with things in a way that I should have done before - including seeking to address the emotional toll this has taken. I shouldn't have been afraid to admit my vulnerabilities and to reach out for assistance from the mental health professionals who could have alleviated this pain and stress. I am committed to speaking out and sharing with others at Liberty the importance of seeking counseling instead of thinking you need to be tough and try to bear these burdens on your own. I am in the early stages of addressing these issues.

UH HUH. Liberty expels students for drinking alcohol, engaging in premarital sex, and homosexuality. But go off, asshole.

[WashEx]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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