Jerry Falwell Jr.'s Wondercock Gonna SUE YOU SO HARD! No, HARDER!
Last week we had daily updates on Hurricane Dorian's unfortunate track through Alabama (in the president's brain). This week we have daily updates on JERRY FALWELL'S WONDERCOCK OF JOY AND LAMENTATIONS, DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU'RE SITTING AND WHETHER YOU'VE DONE YOUR BREATHING EXERCISES, ALLEGEDLY.
If you'll remember, there was a big Politico piece this week, where journalist and Liberty University alum Brandon Ambrosino got lots of Liberty people to talk off the record about Jerry's little fiefdom, and also some other things. By the way, "little fiefdom" isn't his name for HIS COCK, because have you heard how it WON'T FIT IN HIS WIFE?
Allow us to remind you:
At Liberty, Falwell is "very, very vocal" about his "sex life," in the words of one Liberty official—a characterization multiple current and former university officials and employees interviewed for this story support. In a car ride about a decade ago with a senior university official who has since left Liberty, "all he wanted to talk about was how he would nail his wife, how she couldn't handle [his penis size], and stuff of that sort," this former official recalled. Falwell did not respond to questions about this incident.
MULTIPLE people confirmed to Politico that Jerry just hearts talking about his cock. And they also told Politico about how Liberty University isn't really a college (knew that), but rather a "real estate hedge fund" that's "not educating," but rather "buying real estate every year and taking students' money to do it."
And now Jerry Falwell Jr. is MAD and he is going to SUE EVERYBODY who told SECRETS about his COCK, which is weird, because doesn't the Bible say DON'T HIDE YOUR COCK UNDER A BUSHEL, JERRY?
Falwell, son of the university's founder, also says he is considering filing a civil suit against "6 to 8" unnamed former employees and board members, accusing them of breaking confidentiality and non-disclosure agreements they had signed with Liberty.
OK, so he's going to sue people for breaking their NDAs and dishing to reporters about HIS RESPLENDENT COCK and also his grift. Yes, this is after he also said this week that he's going to tattle to the FBI about the obvious RICO conspiracy everybody at Liberty is doing to him, by "stealing" their own emails and leaking them to reporters. We bet that's right at the top of the FBI's list. Anyway, Jerry is just mad as a tick, and you don't want to be in the path of JERRY'S WONDERCOCK when it is angry! (Unless you're into that sort of thing! Not that there's anything wrong with that!)
Anyway, all the conspiracies against Jerry Falwell Jr., he says, are because he loves the president too much, which is usually why people do RICO conspiracies.
We are not a lawyer, and we are not a psychologist -- OR ARE WE? -- but we feel like this is the behavior of a person who might perhaps be worried there are more revelations to cum we mean come. Hey Reuters, whatcha got?
In emails to his colleagues over the years, Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr has denigrated students and staff at the Christian university he runs, referring to one student as "emotionally imbalanced and physically retarded" and calling the school's police chief a "half-wit."
As scripture says, love the lord thy God with all your heart AND ALSO YOUR COCK, and if you're the president of a Christian clown college, be sure to call the students retarded. What a man!
Reuters has a screengrab of that email:
In the emails Reuters has, Jerry Falwell Jr., chosen of God and adored among nations, does indeed call Liberty's police chief a "half-wit," and in 2012 said about Kevin Keys, who was the associate athletic director, that you should "[o]nly get Kevin involved in something if you want it not to work." That's rude but it's not that bad. We just bring it up because you should read this article about how Falwell's been staffing the Liberty athletics department with Good Christian Guys with recent sex scandals of different sorts in their immediate past. There's Liberty athletic director Ian McCaw, who as the Washington Post reports was "forced out at Baylor — itself a private Baptist university — following a wide-ranging sexual and domestic assault scandal involving football players." And then there's Hugh Freeze, the former Ole Miss coach who now coaches at Liberty, who lost his job at Ole Miss after he for some reason used his school-sponsored cell phone to call an escort service. Less well-known is that Freeze was the subject of allegations of inappropriate behavior with high school girls when he coached at Briarcrest Christian School in Memphis, Tennessee. (FULL DISCLOSURE: That's where yr Wonkette graduated high school. Yes, during the time in question.)
One more update you should know about, as a sidebar to this story has been Jerry Falwell Jr.'s weird and ever-changing explanations for why there are pictures of him clubbin' it up at the club in Miami. The Politico journalist was "terribly mistaken"! They were faked! They were "likely photo-shopped"! He was dead at the time! (And the photographer responded EAT ME.)
Now there is a new explanation:
Love going to the very gay-friendly club in Miami Beach for 30 minutes to listen to music with my conservative Christian family. That is just totally a thing.
This has been your daily update on THE JERRYCOCK! Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE.