The Mueller report is due on House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler's desk TOMORROW. (NO REDACTIONS, NO BULLSHIT.) It's also due on the desks of the five other House committee chairs who wrote to Attorney General Bill Barr last week demanding FUCKING GIVE IT. No, AG Barr may not have an extension, and no, Jerry Nadler will not believe any excuses that the dog ate the report, unless Devin Nunes has dressed up like a dog, infiltrated the Justice Department by wagging his butt REALLY CUTELY, and proceeded to eat the report. And if so, BAD DOG.

When Barr sent a letter on Friday -- his second one! -- he sounded very stung and freaked out, perhaps because he was getting a sense that his cover-up just really wasn't going very well, and that literally no sentient Americans believed the Mueller report had cleared Trump or his campaign of Russian crimes or any other crimes for that matter, and so he decided to promise that Congress would get some version of the report by "mid-April." It was funny, because WHAT PART OF APRIL SECOND, BILL, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? Nadler was not amused. Intel Committee chair Adam Schiff (D-Viral Videos) was not amused. Nobody was amused.

And they're still not amused, the deadline is still tomorrow, and if (when) Barr fails at life and doesn't wrap that shit up in a bow and stick it in his fanny pack and personally escort it over to Nadler's office, Nadler is ready to affix some subpoenas to his foot and personally escort them up Barr's ass, WITH HIS FOOT. Will those subpoenas be sent out immediately, once the committee authorizes them Wednesday morning? Well, that just depends on whether Bill Barr decides to shape the fuck up! (Also about to kick subpoenas up Trump folks' asses? House Oversight Committee chair Elijah Cummings, because the White House has some 'splaining to do about why Prince Jared and Princess Ivanka have security clearances, when they are obviously compromised by princes and princesses from rival kingdoms.)


To accompany his announcement that his committee will authorize subpoenas for the report -- as well as for several other Trumpworld figures who owe them documents, including Reince Priebus, Hope Hicks, Steve Bannon, and Don McGahn -- Nadler wrote an op-ed in the New York Times Monday morning called FUCKING GIVE IT, OH MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. Just kidding, it is called "America Is Done Waiting for the Mueller Report," which Wonkette can confirm is a true statement.

One of the interesting things about the op-ed, though, is that it makes a point we have made here in the august pages of Wonkette, namely that Mueller's report may expose vile activities by Donald Trump and members of his campaign, coordinating and cahoots-ing with Russians in exchange for quid pro quo election assistance, and some of that stuff might not technically be illegal, or at least not to the point Mueller could prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, if that's the case, it's probably also the case that there's stuff in there that should be explicitly against the law. And you know what Congress does, for its job? IT MAKES LAWS. Ergo ipso facto Congress needs every damn word of the report, at the very least in order to make laws so two-bit hostile shithole nations can't do legally deniable reacharounds with two-bit hostile shithole American presidential campaigns to subvert our elections.

[W]e require the report because one day, one way or another, the country will move on from President Trump. We must make it harder for future presidents to behave this way. We need a full accounting of the president's actions to do that work.

When the full scope of the president's misconduct has been revealed, when his lies are debunked and his abuses have been laid bare, I believe that members of Congress on both sides of the aisle will draft legislation to curb the worst of his offenses. Put another way: If President Trump's behavior wasn't criminal, then perhaps it should have been.

Oh yeah, also there is that little thing about how actually it is Congress's job to examine the evidence and decide if Trump committed any (ahem) high crimes or misdemeanors (to coin a phrase), a task Mueller pretty obviously wanted Congress to handle, and not Bill Barr's job, even though Barr has done everything in his power to give Trump a clean bill of health.

Whether or not the president could have been charged with a crime, even the attorney general acknowledges the existence of evidence that has so far been hidden from view. We have every reason to suspect that the unedited obstruction section of the Mueller report resembles the report that Congress received from the Watergate grand jury in 1974. That evidence showed that President Richard Nixon had attempted to obstruct justice. It did not recommend that the president should be prosecuted. It did not say the president should be impeached. It simply stated the evidence so that Congress could do its job.

Barr's Friday letter was full of shit about how he had to redact grand jury information (instead of going to see a judge and asking to have it released, like a good and patriotic attorney general would); and redact sources and methods materials (not for the Gang of Eight he certainly doesn't); and also redact stuff that might damage the reputations of "peripheral third parties" named in the report but not charged with any crimes (nobody associated with the Trump campaign has a reputation to uphold). We were also supposed to believe that Robert Mueller hadn't even thought of any of that stuff, thus forcing Bill Barr to spend several VERY LONG AND SLOW-WALKING WEEKS applying Wite-Out to all the allegedly problematic parts.

Unfortunately for New Meatball, Jerry Nadler ain't that stupid, and neither are Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, Nancy Pelosi, the rest of the Democrats in Congress, or the American people. IT'S SUBPOENA-THIRTY, MOTHERFUCKER!

[Politico / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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