Jesus Buying All His Christmas Presents At Hobby Lobby And Chick-Fil-A From Now On
They're watching you.
It's the most wonderful time of the year, almost! We've had a real good start to the War On Christmas, thanks to Starbucks making a cup that does not explicitly mention how the Baby Jesus died so you can have $5 cups of coffee. And if you're a Fundamentalist Christian Snausage-Dick, you're probably VERY worried about how your Christmas shopping might accidentally make Jesus cry, by throat-cramming our newborn savior with gayness and abortion. Can you make it through your Secret Santa list without doing that to Jesus?
NOW YOU CAN! A wingnut Christian group called Faith Driven Consumer has released a new "Faith Equality Index," similar to the Human Rights Campaign's Corporate Equality Index, except it's the opposite, ranking companies by how much they hate the gays and the abortions and the gaybortions, also too. And can you believe it? Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A are the winners! Also way up high? Cracker Barrel, Walmart and Tyson Foods, so breathe easy, fundies, you are allowed to rub SO MUCH CHICKEN FAT all throughout your mouth and body parts, Jesus LOVES IT.
Hobby Lobby is, of course, a natural choice for these people. We all know about the big Supreme Court decision what made sure none of its employees had to be tyrannied by slut pills in their lady healthcare, but also remember how the company is REAL big on peekin' inside your panties, just to make sure you've got the junk the Lord borned you with. On top of that, they're connected to the crazy homeschooling gurus who helped make the Duggars the nasty-ass family they are today.
We don't know if revelations that Hobby Lobby is literally stealing artifacts from Jesus will affect its ranking, but we doubt it.
And Chick-fil-A. You know how IT is, though it should disturb these folks how individual franchise owners are allowed to be nice to the gays if they want to. Regardless, those stale, nasty chicken pickle sandwiches are like crack for the Republican gay-hatin' set, so the ranking will probably stay high.
But how do they decide which companies hate the gays and the lady gardens the most? Well, you see, they have a system, and it goes like this:
- Public Commitment To Faith Driven Consumers: Do they do everything they can to woo the Bible-beaters to buy their shit? Do they heart Kim Davis in a sexxxy religious freedom way? Do they say "Merry Christmas" every day, even on the non-Christmas days?
- Faith-Compatible Corporate Actions: Do they hate 'bortion and stem cell research and euthanasia? Do they publicly hate the gaygenders, or if not that, do they keep their mouths shut and refrain from being publicly NICE to the homosexys?
- Equal Application of Equal Protections: Do they have special policies in place that allow their wingnut employees to do religious freedom to each other on the job? Is there a Kristian Klub for Kristians, so they can braid each other's hair and make stink faces at the gay employee groups?
- Corporate Competency in the Faith Driven Consumer Market Segment: This one is really long and detailed, but suffice it to say it's just more shit about making butthurt gay-hatin' Christians feel loved, welcomed, and teabagged.
So there you have it. Other groups what did really good in the rankings are Interstate Batteries and Thrivent Financial, so if you want batteries or financials, that's where you are supposed to get them, if you love Jesus.
Of course, we would be remiss if we didn't point out that LOL hey liberal gaywad communista abortion lovers, you can use this guide too! Because some companies did REALLY BAD, like Bank of America, AT&T, Apple, Expedia and a whole slew of others. You can take your progressive Christmas-hating "holiday" moneys and spend them there, if you'd like!
As The New Civil Rights Movement points out, Starbucks wasn't one of the worst offenders on the list, because it got a PERFECT SCORE for saying "Christmas" a whole bunch. But UH OH. The thing with the cup. Fuck. Somebody call an emergency meeting at corporate, this is going to KILL their stock prices.
Just kidding, Starbucks doesn't give two grande fucks about these assholes.
Now you are ready to start your
holiday CHRISTMAS! shopping. If you're at the mall, waiting in line to trample somebody to death on Black Friday, just visit the list and make sure the company you're about to give your hard-earned moneys to does enough gay and lady bashing to make your season bright, in Jesus's name, amen.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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