Jesus Communicator Sends Us Poorly Written Cease-and-Desist Letter


If you've never witnessed 'I seen Jesus Christ' typed out on a computer screen, you're in luck.As you learned in civics class, Jesus is the most important branch of the U.S. federal government. And so your afternoon editor wrote a couple of posts about That Dude yesterday and thought nothing of it. But according to a sternly written e-mail from Christ's publicist, who writes in a tongue that is not correct English, your afternoon editor has LIBELED Jesus and should probably be sent to jail. How does this person know the Most High (not talking about pot) is offended? Well, Jesus came to this person's "work place" and told him so. So there.

From: kjv[redacted]

Date: Wed, Sept 29, 2010 2:47 AM

Subject: Jack Stuef


What's with all the disrespect towards Jesus Christ? Why, are you using Him as you want.

I was at my work place at noon, the middle of the day, God is not ashamed or not taking your abuse litely.

When the heavens opened like a curtain and I seen Jesus Christ, seated as six others gathered around HIM,

THE GLORY OF GOD ALL AROUND THEM, they were dressed in white gowns, they smiled and the heavens closed.

I tell you, all of you that are flipant about Jesus Christ at wonkette do me a favor show this letter to the rest of your presumpteous, arrogant,

monsters, have a laugh at this letter. Sarcastic, nymphs.

No wonder, wonkette does not allow comments. If you get down your soapbox, you might hear the Truth, and I don't care about politics,

it's your wicked abuse of someones name without regard to its value, that I'm bringing to your attention, even if it is in vain I had hoped

that you might have a conscious. You're keeping your boss and you happy with your 30 pieces of silver, what a way to earn a living.

Who were these mysterious six others gathered round? The Power Rangers and Dean Martin? Did they do a dance number before they went back in the clouds?

Also, your afternoon editor gets paid much less than 30 pieces of silver. How is he supposed to get these pieces of silver? Should he go on strike until Ken increases his rate to 30 pure silver Ron Paul coins a month?

Your afternoon editor has done this man a favor by sharing his letter. Now please, ye dear sarcastic nymphs, repent in the comments (that Wonkette doesn't allow) if you are "flipant about Jesus Christ." Only then will you be saved from a lawsuit for misuse of the Jesus.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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