Jesus Endorses Mike Huckabee For President, Sends All Other Candidates To Hell

This picture terrifies us, but it came from here (IMAGE CREDIT!) so blame them.

Hey there, fundamentalist Christian fuckweasels, how ya doing? Confused about election season? Wanting to make sure you've picked the right candidate, and won't accidentally support somebody who'll make you ride Kim Davis like a donkey all the way to Christian Persecution Camp? Well, GOOD NEWS, and MARANATHA! An outfit called USA Christian Ministries has done the hard work of ranking the candidates on a completely arbitrary scale based on who loves religious freedom the best, who is EXACTLY LIKE the ahistorical version of the founding fathers wingnuts believe in (they were all Southern Baptists who spent a lot of time protesting Planned Parenthood and bashing gays), and who's just generally the most like Pretend Republican Jesus.

And surprise, Mike Huckabee, that lard-smothered Duggar-humping fucksnot from Arkansas, is the winner! USA Christian Ministries says he is 93 percent like the founding fathers and their best friend Jesus, mostly for the following reasons, which are ALSO Wonkette stories!

• Huckabee was the one Republican willing to drop absolutely everything to get down on knees and slob Kim Davis's knob, even offering to go to jail on her behalf ( after she got out of jail, how convenient). Ted Cruz tried to get a few slobs in, but mostly had to settle for being Huck's penis fluffer.

• We also remember fondly the time Huck went on the television to explain how Supreme Court decisions don't count if he doesn't like them, and that if the gay marriage ruling DOES count, then we still get to own The Blacks, right???

• Finally, we all know guns are NEVER the problem, and that if only people would listen to Huckabee and stop Doing Sins, all gun crime would cease immediately.

As usual, fuck Mike Huckabee in his crusty, jizz-filled earhole, and the same goes for anybody who views him as a "Godly man" or a "human being" or anything other than a vitriolic little shitpile of a man who defends dog murderers and child molesters. 

Mike Huckabee wins the "Marry" part of Jesus's "Fuck/Marry/Kill" contest. Who's a "Fuck"?

While Huckabee is off getting his moobs fitted for a flattering Bride Of Christ dress right now, let's meet the strippers performing at Jesus's bachelor party:

• Rand Paul in second place, who loves humping guns and stopping 'bortions, but didn't lick Kim Davis in her special place enough.

• Ben Carson, close behind in third. The pockmarks on Carson's otherwise beautiful Christian asshole? He's "willing to compromise in sin with civil unions and Constitutional protections for gays which our founders never would do." Oh, that gay-loving Ben Carson! Also, too, he is willing to throatcram good Christians with vaccines, which is clearly unbiblical.

• And who is this in FOURTH PLACE for Jesus-loving? Ted Cruz! Holy crap, and he's tried so hard! Apparently Jesus doesn't quite HATE Ted ( unlike everybody else ), but he's going to have to settle for his sloppy fourths, because apparently he "doesn't truly follow the Second Amendment" (???) and he's semi-gay for Iran. (REALLY? Well OK, we guess.) Also, SOME SAY he's not a "natural-born citizen," to which we reply HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And finally, the KILL portion of Jesus's little game

Some of these are predictable: Hillary Clinton can't be president because she loves abortion, homosexxies, and sending secret Benghazi emails; Bernie Sanders is a communist; and Joe Biden is on the list but he's not running for president, so whatever.

What's MORE FUNNIER is that Marco Rubio is considered "biblically unqualified" because he loves gays (the people who made this list are NUTS), he REALLY loves the foreign brown Spanishes, and also SOME SAY he's not a natural born citizen, just like his Mexi-Cuban friend Ted Cruz. Carly Fiorina is unqualified because she hates Jesus and also because (LOL!) she ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground, which is a TRUE FACT. 

Chris Christie is disqualified because he won't let Christian parents torture their kids with scientifically discredited "ex-gay" therapy, and Jeb! Bush is the dumbest scion of the gay abortion-loving clan known as the Bush family. Yes, that is what these people believe.

Oh and Donald Trump? Well, that motherfucker can't even name his favorite Bible verse so YOU'RE FIRED, Donald Trump.

There you go, Christians. You are now prepared for the election.

[ Christian Voting Guide ]