Jesus Helps Duck Dynasty Guy Refrain From Cutting Off Your Penis
Are you a godless heathen hell-bound non-believer who refuses to accept The Truth that there is indeed an invisible daddy in the sky making a list and checking it twice to see who's been naughty and nice? Us too!
But theologian and reality TV star Phil Robertson -- the proud redneck patriarch of the family known for huntin' ducks and hatin' homos -- has an argument for Jeebus that will absolutely persuade you. Ready to be persuaded? Shut up, you will be persuaded anyway:
I’ll make a bet with you. Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him. And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, "Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?"
And then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, "Wouldn’t it be something if this was something wrong with this? But you’re the one that says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick! In the head! Have a nice day."
If it happened to them, they'd probably say, "Something about this just ain’t right."
While we are not in the habit of imagining little atheist wives and daughters getting raped and beheaded -- we may have issues, but we do NOT have a lifetime subscription, Jesus Psychosexual Christ on Freud's couch -- we are under the impression that yes, raping and beheading and dick-slicing, even of atheists, is "just ain't right," and that is something we would not do or condone or even fantasize about, because (a) dude, that is messed up; (2) ideating about doing physical violence to those with whom we disagree -- such as God-fuckers named Phil Robertson -- is not permitted for commenting radicals and also not cool; and (third) DUDE, that is MESSED UP, what is wrong with you? Do you really need some book to you to tell you that it is Not Okay to do rape and dick-slicing? Because it is Not Okay, and we know that, even without going to church or being on TV or reading every single word of the Duck Dynasty Sex Tips For Sexing According To The Bible. In fact, we definitely won't be reading it now. And, oh yeah, (d), get some help. Now.